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a draft for the short answer section - Common App Short Answer help

mezmerizeThreads: 1
Posts: 3 		 Sep 5, 09, 10:54am   #1
I just wrote a draft for the short answer section of the common app and I had a few questions about it? does it need to start off like story with a sort of philosophical meaning or is supposed to be a straight up explanation? here is my current draft, which is a straight up description:

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

For the summer of 2009, I had an internship at the Schifferstadt Architectural Museum in Frederick, Maryland. Circa 1750, it is the oldest standing building in Frederick County, and one of the oldest of German heritage in Maryland. As an intern, I gave multiple tours a day, managed the souvenir department, and upheld the museums unique, cultural integrity. The museum tours that I gave were my main priority, and I took pride in them because they educated the public about German history, which isn't very prominent in the area. Another one of my duties was to sustain the Schifferstadt Garden, which has won numerous awards for its beauty, as well as for its plentiful amount of herbs and vegetables that are sold to the public. Schifferstadt is a non-profit organization entirely run by volunteers, so the items sold keep the house running. I compiled over 100 hours this past summer at Schifferstadt, and I cannot wait to go back whenever I get the chance.
 
Llamapoop123Threads: 8
Posts: 573 [Contributor] 		 Sep 5, 09, 11:06am   #2
mezmerize:
Circa 1750, it is the oldest standing building in Frederick County, and one of the oldest of German heritage in Maryland.

I don't understand this sentence structure. Boxin, it is my name, and what a great name it is.

mezmerize:
does it need to start off like story with a sort of philosophical meaning or is supposed to be a straight up explanation?

It doesn't have to be.

This is a fine response.

Boxin Zhou
 
mezmerizeThreads: 1
Posts: 3 		 Sep 5, 09, 11:16am   #3
thank you for your response Llamapoop123.

i agree with what u said about the second sentence, i just wanted to see what other people thought. im thinking about combing it with the first sentence:

For the summer of 2009, I had an internship at the Schifferstadt Architectural Museum, a German-style house built in 1750.
 
EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2163 [Moderator] 		Edited by: EF_Simone  Sep 5, 09, 12:31pm   #4
Yes, that's better. The problem with the original phrasing was that the referent of "it" was not clear. And, to answer your over-arching question, students just have to do what they can with these short answers. If you can find a way to include something lively or pithy while still reserving enough words to relate the facts you need to relate, great. If not, just say what needs to be said as clearly, concisely, and engagingly as possible.

Simone, EssayForum.com
 
LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 689 [Contributor] 		 Sep 5, 09, 03:34pm   #5
Yea your essay does need some revision here and there.

mezmerize:
does it need to start off like story with a sort of philosophical meaning or is supposed to be a straight up explanation?

^It all depends on your writing style. If you can do justice to the philosophical statement, then that should be fine. But generally, people put up philosophical statements that they found on google, or ones that are unpopular. I personally dont think that philosophical statements is the best way to start an essay however.
'Only the uninspired are inspired by quotes'.
Its up to you though, I think your essay is fine as it is if you can revise and improve it.

'The' Faisal Pasha, Essayforum.com Contributor
 
keds51Threads: 4
Posts: 24 		 Sep 5, 09, 10:26pm   #6
I like your start. But instead of listing your jobs and duties, maybe organize it a little better so you can share your insight from the experience (in addition to what you have so far)
 
mezmerizeThreads: 1
Posts: 3 		 Sep 7, 09, 10:35am   #7
Alright I reworked it. please let me know what u think:

For the summer of 2009, I had an internship at the Schifferstadt Architectural Museum, a German-style house built in 1750. As an intern, I gave multiple tours a day, managed the souvenir department, and maintained the award-winning garden, all while upholding the museums unique, cultural integrity. The museum tours that I gave were my main priority, and I took pride in them because they educated the public about German history, which isn't very prominent in the area. Seeing the eager minds enter, and request a tour, excited me because I knew I would be making other people happy while doing a task I deeply enjoyed. Then they would leave, smiling and thanking me for my services, filling me with a certain type of joy and happiness that could not be achieved by any other means. I compiled over 100 hours this past summer at Schifferstadt, and I cannot wait to go back whenever I get the chance.
 

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