As we sat in the cramped, overheated car you could tell by the look on his ashen face that something wasn't quite right.
^As in...actually me?
His eyes, which were normally hazel and bright with happiness, were currently muddy brown, dull and dark.
^you compare a color and a state of emotion, to a color, an adjective and another descriptive color...I would have preferred seeing 3 vs 3...
He gazed off into the distance, staring at nothing, no one. "Hey Noah, are you all right buddy?" I asked, only half concerned.
^Half concerned? Your introduction to me suggested otherwise.
He could have just been in one of his moods again. He turned to me, purple bags so deep under his eyes that they very well could have been etched in into his skin. He blinked once, twice, and faced forward again, emotionless. My stomach churned and I sat uneasily in my seat. However I decided to let him be, . if he didn't want to talk then I wouldn't force him to. A few minutes later when we arrived we got out of the car, walking and walked to the inside of the restaurant. Usually he was eager to be the first one inside He was usually eager to be the first one inside; he loved holding the buzzer that would vibrate incessantly when our table was ready.
^Did the vibrations..never stop or something?
Instead, he dragged his feet along the cracking pavement, beads of sweat running down his forehead as he made his way inside.
^I thought you guys were already inside the restaurant. Does the restaurant have a pavement that I do not know of?
Directly going to one of the benches and sitting down Directly going to a bench and after he sat himself down, my brother closed his eyes and leaned his head back against on of a dirty window. His breath was shallow, and the look on his face signifying signified defeat. After what seemed like an eternity we were finally signaled to our tables, and we began to make our way through another set of doors to where our table was located. I could hear the sound of my brother's footsteps behind me – slow and tiresome. But what I heard next was not the sound of his feet; it was the sound of bone and skin against metal. I spun around, shocked to see my brother face first on the ground in the doorway.
^Hmm, I would have suggested describing the sound as peculiar, or disturbing, but you seem to have already discussed so much that doing so would just tire the reader in my opinion.
**I wish I could say that encounters like these don't happen very often, but that is not the case. Two of my brothers and my father all suffer from diabetes, a condition in which the body either makes too little insulin or can't use the insulin it makes to use blood glucose as energy.
^I hope you do not think that your readers are unaware of what diabetes is. That is insulting their intelligence.
Because of diabetes, my family members are always prone to experiencing fainting spells, increased fatigue, irritability, blurry vision and unquenchable thirst. Though there are many limitations to things my family can do because of the diabetes Although diabetes has set many limitations of my family, it has supplied us with a new, profound knowledge of the disease, and a genuine concern for others who suffer from it as well.
**Many people are under the impression that if you suffer from diabetes, all you have to do is either "eat a lot of food" or "take a shot."
^I was not under this impression. Also, there is a considerable difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. I would have assumed that excess carbohydrate consumption can lead to type 2 diabetes?? Not type 1, but type 2.
However, they are sorely mistaken. The complexity of the disease is commonly overlooked, and the procedures necessary to regulate it are undoubtedly important. When my brothers suffer from "low" blood sugar reactions, I have to be able to keep them calm and administer glucose. Glucose, also known as sugar, can be given in either tablet form or by injections. If neither tablets nor shots available, the easiest forms of glucose can be found in juices such as apple and orange juice, or fruits such as bananas and apples.
^People know what is glucose. People know that fruits can be alternatives to glucose due to fruits having high fructose content. Even if they did not, they do not need a lesson on it explaining it to them. There is wikipedia for that. Let the essay focus on your topic, rather than explanations which digress from the topic at hand and quite frankly, bore readers such as myself.
When they suffer from "high" blood sugar reactions, it is best not to given them any food or sugary drinks for it will only make them feel worse.
^Um, yea. I am not stupid. I know you never said that, but you really are implying it but pretty much pointing out general advice and common knowledge.
The best thing to do is to given them water, for they will most likely be extremely thirsty, and administer a shot of insulin to bring their blood sugar down. Even when their blood sugar is at a regulated level, there is still work that needs to be done to ensure that it stays that way. Whenever they eat, the carbohydrates in the food they are eating needs to be added up, and they must take a shot for it. If they are participating in physical activity, they must suspend their insulin intake so that their blood sugar doesn't go down. Their blood sugar is normally checked 7 to 10 times each and every day.
^Ask yourself this. Is this really relevant.
**Unfortunately, the suffering from diabetes doesn't stop with the regulation of their blood sugar. Peers who don't understand what diabetes is often give my brothers a hard time for their behavior, and torment them because of it. I have be there to help my brothers cope with the questions and allegations they receive from their friends, explaining to them what the disease is and help them to understand that my brothers can't control their actions when their blood sugar is inadequate.
^I really do not think that 'their' is the pronoun you are looking for.
Though diabetes is a horrible disease that I would wish upon no one, it has also provided my family and me with a lot of insight. I have become more understanding of my brothers when they are in bad moods, for I know that they are not feeling well and are suffering.
^Wait....'brothers', or 'brother'. In the introductory paragraph, you only talk about one brother. Now, it seems that there are two?
My knowledge of this disease has increased, and I am informed of how to treat the high and low blood sugar reactions that occur everyday. These instances have developed my character, for I have become more caring to those around me and always offer a helping hand when someone does not seem like they are to be feeling well. I find it to be such an accomplishment to have learned so much about diabetes in such short amount of time, and how to take care of my brothers when things get rough.
*Well Id like to read other people's opinions on this essay. I think that you focus heavily on diabetes, but do not go that great into detail on how much it has impacted you, your train of thought and personality. Rather, you use up a huge bulk of your essay telling us how diabetes in general can be dealt with.
Consider some of my suggestions on your essay.
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'The' Faisal Pasha, Essayforum.com Contributor
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