Desperate help needed for Why Columbia

Hey guys, I just finished Columbia's personal statement essay. However this stupid 600 character why columbia short answer thing is driving me nuts!

Here's basically what I'm trying to say: it has an awesome economics department because of its professors and successful alumni. I'm not mentioning the city, internship, research,etc at all.


So this is what I have so far.

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

As I stepped onto the Greyhound at 3 AM, I wondered how a trip to Columbia would affect my college list. Seven hours later and amidst a of a campus tour, there wasn't a doubt what my top choice was.
Interested in economics, I asked the tour guide about Columbia's Economics Department. He promptly assured me it is one of the best universities for Economics, listing professors such as Robert Mundell and Edmund Phelps before continuing with its long history of successful alumni economists. I am excited at the prospect of learning under the rich and knowledgeable Economics Department at Columbia.


Obviously, the first sentence seems irrelevant, so I'm thinking of completely erasing it. What I need help with is how to rewrite it so it doesn't just jump straight from "..successful alumni economists" to "I am excited.." It just doesn't feel right. I definitely need a transition somewhere. This answer is already at 598 characters, so perhaps rewrite the beginning and add a transition?

Can any of you help? Any help is appreciated!! Thanks!

As I stepped onto the Greyhound at 3 AM, I wondered how a trip to Columbia would affect impact my college list. Seven hours later and amidst a of and a campus tour later, there wasn't a doubt what my top first choice college was.
Interested in economics, I asked the tour guide about Columbia's Economics Department. He promptly assured me that it is one of the best universities for Economics one of the nation's top Economics program, listing professors such as Robert Mundell and Edmund Phelps before continuing with its long history of successful alumni that are economists. I am excited at the prospect of learning under the rich and knowledgeable Economics Department atof Columbia.


My advice is to do a COMPLETE rewrite. We all know Columbia's economics department is great. What specific detail do you like about Columbia's Economics dept?

Yeah, I took your advice. Here's my new draft. Can you guys please edit it? Also Mod, can you remove my initial short answer? thanks!


Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

As I sat pouring over hundreds of college majors, I realized something: I'm a greedy young child, forever wanting more. I want to explore knowledge outside my major. Naturally, Columbia's core curriculum appealed to me. I can see myself poring over the works of Sophocles in Literature Humanities, or exploring The Metropolitan Museum of Art in Art Humanities. As a student, it is these opportunities that will enable me to gain a new perspective toward the world, and it is these opportunities I crave for. I know I can attain this valuable education with the core curriculum at Columbia University.

Hey,

Your revised is definitely better than the first. I like how you talked about the core curriculum of Columbia. Maybe, you should address that more and my advice is to BE SPECIFIC. Find out what's unique about Columbia and what Columbia has that you can't get at any other school. For example, I know that atmosphere in the classrooms there is supposedly unique. Consider talking to a representative from Columbia at a college fair if you are looking for more ideas. Other than that, I think your overall writing is good. I hope that helps.