Commonapp SHORT ANSWER (orchestra performances)

PROMPT: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

My Answer:

"Listen to me, 5 minutes later you should get on stage, sit in formation, and adjust your microphones. Be quick!"

Standing in backstage, we could do nothing but nodding to the order. So strange after innumerable interpretation, we still got our hands jet cold before performances. We could not utter a word with our dry throats, and our hearts were filled with tension and excitement.

I play erhu in school's traditional Chinese orchestra. Since I am the only girl from my grade to receive this honor, many students envies me holding various opportunities of showing talents, wining awards, and appearing on television. However few people see my calluses gained by practice hours everyday, and my tears after teacher's criticisms. As a member of the band, I know that I must be careful for every point, because even a tiny mistake can lead to dissonance.

Unconsciously, we had already been on the stage with our instruments: erhus, pipas, bamboo flutes, guzhengs...The whole world suddenly fell silent; only our rapid heartbeats can be heard.

"Three, two, one..." The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes. Then the conductor gave a firm node.

Another glorious battle began.


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It's 198 words...I don't know which lines/words could be deleted. And I need advice to improve it.
Please help...
Thanks a lot.

"Listen to me, In5 minutes, later you should get on stage, sit in formation, and adjust your microphones. Be quick!"

Standing in backstage, we could do nothing but nodding to the order. So strangeEven after after innumerablecountless interpretationdo you mean performances?, we still got our hands still becamejet cold before performances. We could not utter a word with our dry throats, and our hearts were filled with tension and excitement.

I play erhu in myschool's traditional Chinese orchestra. Since I am the only girl from my grade to receive this honor, many students enviesenvy me holding variousmy opportunities of toshowing talents, wining awards, and appearinge on television. However, few people see my calluses gained by practiceing hours everyday, and my tears after theteacher's criticisms. As a member of the band, I know that I must be careful for every pointwith every note, because even a tiny mistake can lead to dissonance.

Unconsciouslydo you mean that you found yourself on stage without knowing how you got there?, we had already been on the stage with our instruments: erhus, pipas, bamboo flutes, guzhengs...The whole world suddenly fell silent; only our rapid heartbeats can be heard.

"Three, two, one..." The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes. Then the conductor gave a firm node.

Another glorious battle hadbeganbegun.

I don't know how many words it's at right now....I feel like you need to add more about how this activity affected you, not just the callouses and tears. You need to show how you grew or learned from it.

I like you fine detailing. It makes it much more believable and allows people to recreate the scene in his mind.

The only thing is as ayida365 mentioned, it needs a bit more detailing about you and not just about the activity.

Also, in regards to the word limit, I feel you can get rid of some extra details in the second paragraph and

"Three, two, one..." The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes. Then the conductor gave a firm node. Another glorious battle had begun

How about this time:

"In 5 minutes, get on stage, sit in formation, and adjust your microphones. Be quick!"

Standing backstage, we could do nothing but nod to the order. Even after countless performances, our hands became jet cold before the show. We could not utter a word with our dry throats, and our hearts were filled with tension and excitement.

I play Erhu in school's traditional Chinese orchestra. Since I am the only girl from my grade to receive this honor, many students envy my opportunities to show talents, win awards, and appear on television, but few see my calluses gained by practicing hours everyday. However, I still feel overwhelmingly jubilant and confident when playing. As a member of the band, I know that I must be careful with every note because even a tiny mistake can lead to dissonance. This has gradually developed my attentiveness.

Unconsciously, we had already been on the stage. The whole world suddenly fell silent; only our rapid heartbeats could be heard.

"Three, two, one..."The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes.

Another glorious battle had begun.

Still too long...But I'm afraid if I delete too many details, it will go flat...

"Get on stage, and adjust your microphones. Be quick!"

Standing backstage, we could do nothing but nod to the order. Even after countless performances, we could not utter a word with our dry throats before the show, and our hearts were filled with tension and excitement.

I play Erhu in school's Chinese orchestra as the only girl from my grade to receive this honor. Many students envy my opportunities to show talents, win awards, and appear on television, but few see my calluses after practicing hours everyday. However, I still feel overwhelmingly jubilant and confident when playing. As a member of the band, I know that I must be careful with every note to avoid dissonance. This has developed my attentiveness.

On stage, the whole world suddenly fell silent; only our rapid heartbeats could be heard. The curtain went up; countless faces dazzled my eyes.

Another glorious battle had begun.

How about this time? It's within words limit.
Or maybe I should not be too creative, and write more about what Erhu brings me instead of telling a story at the begining?

Yes, since the limit is less than 150 words. I think you should write more about what it makes you feel. Telling a story should be included in a long essay because it is preferred to be detailed..

The third attempt is a better one. And I see that you deleted 'jet cold,' and I'm glad because it didn't make sense to me. As your word count is limited, I don't think you can do what the others are suggesting. But the way it is now, it is tantalizing, and that might be even better.

Thanks, Stephen.
Your advice saved me!!!