Commonapp short answer, activity (I was in the pool)

This is my essay for commonapp short answer.. feel free to change anything!

REMOVED

"I was in the pool, face down, and a knife embedded in my back."

"I mopped the water out of off my face,"

"I was not in a theatre, nor was I an actress. At the backyard of the nursing home, me and other volunteers other volunteers and I presented our thanksgiving gift, a revised version of hamlet, to our lovely "grandmas and grandpas.""

Aren't you an actress if you were acting? I don't know.

"we knew that a week of hard works work had paid off"

"me remarkable advices on living life"

This sounds awkard.

Nice short response.

Thank you so much! should I say "I was not in a theater, nor was I a professional actress."?

I think that does sound better.


"a revised version of hamlet"
Hamlet should be capitalized and underlined.

i think it should be advice not advices.
that "nor" thing sounds much better.
the last word should be others.
"i heard inspirational stories, witnessed life, and death"

thx!!

At the backyard of the nursing home, me and other volunteers OTHER VOLUNTEERS AND I presented our thanksgiving gift, a revised version of hamlet, to our lovely "grandmas and grandpas."

I, me .. comes at the end ..

Best of luck!

thanks!! ^^

I love your response. It's soo good. It's so engaging, and the beginning is so capturing. Great, great job.

you can't remove it

if you're worried about someone else copying it then you should put your full name in your settings so that it is shown with every comment you write here

also the fact that you have it on this site with your full name (when you write one) can be used as a proof that you are the original author

(dw i went through this too)

Thank you so much!!!
I was in the pool, face down, and a knife embedded in my back.
"Let four captains bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage!" My friend John, who was now Prince Fortinbras, finished his last line. I mopped the water off my face, and then I smiled, bowed, enjoyed the applause and the smiles I put on my special audience. I was not in a theater, nor was I a professional actress. At the backyard of the nursing home, other volunteers and I presented our thanksgiving gift, a revised version of Hamlet, to our lovely "grandmas and grandpas." Seeing their eyes illuminated with joy and their wrinkles folded with laughter, we knew that a week of hard work had paid off.
Volunteering in a nursing home was such a rewarding experience for me. By pushing wheelchairs and distributing blankets, I encountered these exceptional people who gave me remarkable advices on overcoming obstacles and setting goals for myself. I heard inspirational stories and witnessed life and death. It truly surprised me when I found out how much I gained by helping other.
Zejing Li

wait can you post your second draft? The original was beautiful, but I don't agree with some of the feedback you got.

ya sure! Can you read my other essay too?

I was in the pool, face down, a knife embedded in my back.
"Let four captains bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage!" My friend John, who was now Prince Fortinbras, finished his last line. I mopped the water off my face, and then I smiled, bowed, enjoyed the applause and the smiles I put on my special audience. I was not in a theater, nor was I a professional actress. At the backyard of the nursing home, other volunteers and I presented our thanksgiving gift, a revised version of Hamlet, to our lovely "grandmas and grandpas." Seeing their eyes illuminated with joy and their wrinkles folded with laughter, we knew that a week of hard work had paid off.
Volunteering in a nursing home was such a rewarding experience for me. By pushing wheelchairs and distributing blankets, I encountered these exceptional people who gave me remarkable advices on overcoming obstacles and setting goals for myself. I heard inspirational stories and witnessed life and death. It truly surprised me when I found out how much I gained by helping other.
Zejing Li

oh, nevermind, sorry. Just a second too late i guess. Here are my suggestions:

The first line was fine before. If you want you can change it to "I was in the pool, face down, and a knife was embedded in my back.", which works grammatically. What you have now doesn't make grammatical sense. I think you should keep the first sentence as it was before.

also instead of "My friend John, who was now Prince Fortinbras, finished his last line", may I suggest "My friend John finished his last line as Prince Fortinbras"

And the third line just needs a slight tune up:
"I mopped the water off my face, smiled, and bowed, enjoying the applause and the smiles I received from my special audience."


Other than that it's great. Really an exceptional essay. My feedback is no reason for a mod not to give it a glance just in case i missed something, but I think that for the most part it's fine as it is (with the changes I'm proposing, that is).


EDIT:
my feedback applies to reply # 11, by the way, I hadn't read the other draft you posted while typing my response

I really appreciate your help, I'll make the changes! Thank you soo much!
I just finished aother essay for Yale supplement...can you help me edit it too? the deadline is tomorrow...

http://www.essayforum.com/2_4996_0.html

I mopped the water off my face, and then I smiled, bowed, enjoyed the applause and the smiles I put on the faces of my special audience.

Seeing their eyes light up with joy and their wrinkles folded with laughter, we knew that a week of hard work had paid off.

By pushing wheelchairs and distributing blankets, I encountered these exceptional people who gave me remarkable advice on overcoming obstacles and setting goals for myself.

It truly surprised me when I found out how much I gained by helping others.

:)

Kevin

Thank you so much Kevin!! could you read my other essay too? The deadline is tomorrow..
http://www.essayforum.com/2_4996_0.html