CommonApp - Please elaborate an experience. (150 words) - Goldman Sachs CTW

Hi, I just wrote an essay on the Common Application and I just needed some opinions on it. Thank you!

During the school year, I had the best opportunity to work with Goldman Sachs Community Team Works in a service project called Project HAPPY Carnival Day. The volunteers and I helped assemble a carnival for those with either mental or physical disabilities and entertained them with carnival activities including jewelry making, cup cake designing, car racing, bowling and more. The majority of the time I worked in car racing and bowling, an active area that many kids and adults enjoyed. Being able to work with this organization was the changing aspect of my life, allowing me to realize what I want to pursue as a career. Seeing the faces of children so happy, being cared by not only parents, but by me and other volunteers, felt good knowing that they were safe and healthy. Helping and caring is what I enjoyed and seeing them happy made me realize I wanted to become a nurse, a job that requires taking care of someone, which is something that I both enjoy and good at.

"During the school year, I had the best opportunity to work with Goldman Sachs Community Team Works in a service project called Project HAPPY Carnival Day. The volunteers and I helped assemble a carnival for those with either mental or physical disabilities"

- end the sentence after "disabilities." and then start a new one;

"I spent the day entertaining them with carnival activities including jewelry making, cup cake designing, car racing, bowling and more. For the majority of the time, I worked in car racing and bowling, an active area that many kids and adults enjoyed."

- For the second sentence here, I suggest you rewrite it. Since the space is limited, maybe replace it with a more specific thought; like, that 'you worked in a popular booth and thus you were able to interact with a lot of people and see firsthand the joy on their faces as they participated in car racing and bowling.'

"Being able to work with this organization was a pivotal event in/the changing aspect of my life, helping me uncover/ allowing me to realize what I want to pursue as a career. "

- "changing aspect" - perhaps another adjective, or something about how that serving opportunity granted you an epiphany or realization; "allowing me to realize" is pretty good. The point is that the opportunity/experience helped you further uncover your greatest passion.

"Seeing the faces of children so happy, being cared by not only parents, but by me and other volunteers, felt good knowing that they were safe and healthy. Helping and caring is what I enjoyed and seeing them happy made me realize I wanted to become a nurse, a job that requires taking care of someone, which is something that I both enjoy and good at."

- The first sentence is a bit awkward, with lots of clauses. There is some subject confusion, so it sounds like the faces are the things being cared for/it is unclear who or what felt good knowing they/the faces? were safe and healthy. I suggest getting rid of some of those clauses.
- Maybe rephrase it more simply to capture ; witnessing their joy made the care, attention, and work you put in completely worthwhile. You want to bring that same kind of joy and health to others; since you know you can do that through attentively caring to the physical needs of others, you want to be a nurse.

- Great topic! Very heartfelt. I hope my suggestions helped!

Well, first of all thanks for giving me a feed back.
I think the icysakura did a really good job on fixing major stuff. I really like your topic.
just adding on.
-Your second and third sentences do not flow well. Try to reword them.
-There is no connection between third and forth sentences
-Seeing the faces of children so happy, being cared by not only parents, but also by me and other volunteers, I (you definitely need this, or else, it's very unclear) felt good knowing(reword) that they were safe and healthy.
-Helping and caring is what I enjoyed and seeing them happy(syn) made me realize I wanted to become a nurse, a job that requires taking care of someone, which is something that I both enjoy and good at.(very badly worded)
-I would suggest rewriing the last sentence. Give it a little more punch

Did you think my topic was suitable for this section? I didn't write about a specific event. It is just how I feel about playing double bass. If you don't remember, I wrote a short answer about double bass.