Common Application Main Essay, The Hand In Darkness

Hello everybody, I've come back with a new thread. I'm not sure about the topic,yet. A little off, maybe. I hope you like it. Criticism is appreciated~

I was walking alone on a country lane, as moon was my only company. Old cramped buildings lined up on both sides in silence, casting strange shadows onto the remote road. Late January wind was determined to display his power in the last days of the winter, bringing vague dog barks and intermittent strange cock crows from a distance. Old country smell haunted in my nostrils. I quickened my steps. When sunlight abandoned this community, my gallant action, coming to an outlying clinic alone, proved to be not enjoyable at all.
It was bad luck to get a 102℉ fever right before the final exam. Actually, when teachers mentioned the importance of a healthy body, my deskmate always added "as strong as ## is" with a giggle. Running cross-country and playing ping-pong, my name is a synonym of healthy in my class. However, three days after my fun-loving deskmate got a fever, my defense line unexpectedly collapsed. Our boarding school clinic was unable to provide a transfusion, so the head teacher suggested my parents sending me to a doctor in the city as the school locates in the developing zone which is still quite deserted at present, but I decided to handle it myself. After the afternoon section closed, I went to hunt a nearby clinic.
My returning journey consisted five or six minutes' walking on dark country lanes with a dizzy head, sore eyes and high temperature. Thinking of the heavy schoolwork loaded on my schedule that evening only made me feel worse. All extra curriculum activities on campus ceased on account of the final. Life became monotony before the tests. I missed the feeling when excitement struck me like electric shocks, activating every single cell in my body.
On taking the last turn on the narrow lane, dim lamp light on the main road was visible. A couple was standing at the junction. I quickened my steps to get rid of the unfavorable darkness when suddenly a hand in the darkness grasped my left arm, tightly. Every drop of my blood ceased to flow. I could perceive a tall man in the shadow. I could even feel the vicious look on his face. I knew that I was in trouble. Terror swept my dizzy brain in a split second and in another, I've made my decision. Playing Taekwondo with the hand in darkness wouldn't work. Crying for help would be too risky. The couple twenty meters away would mostly likely to run away and call the police, but that would be too late for me. If it was a gamble, I would wager on my own brain. I yelled out, but not for help. "Hey, ##, ##, I'm here！" I called the first two names came to my mind, as calm and cheerful as possible. The couple was drawn by my voice, bewildered. They must be wondering who I was calling for since there was nobody else around. The hand clutching at my arm loosened a bit. The hand in the darkness was hesitating! My heart palpitated hard——the only chance! I sprang to the couple as fast as I could, waving my arms to keep their attention. That twenty meters, the distance from darkness to brightness, were the fastest I've ever run, longest I've ever known. I embraced the brightness with all my strength. Luckily the criminal didn't take risk chasing me. Dashing all the way back with the freezing January wind, I found myself standing breathlessly in front of the school building, covering in cold sweat, brain spinning, fever gone.
Our campus rested comfortably under the quiet moonlight. Green decorative lamps glimmered in winter grass. Bright light shed through broad glass windows, undisturbed. My classmates were digging knowledge at desk as usual. Looking at their calm eyes and healthy cheeks, I smiled, acquiring a new understanding of the everyday serene life.


Thank you~

Hey-

The topic of your essay is very interesting, but I think that you spend too much time on your surroundings and not enough time describing the conflict within your situation. The way you write this as a story makes it seem informal, but at the same time draws the reader's attention nicely.

Your sentence structure needs work though. You are using loads of descriptions, then trying to slur them together with alliteration and odd metaphors. This isn't generally bad, but you aren't doing this in moderation. The essay really suffers because of that.

Also, proof read before you post by reading your essay aloud. You can catch simple typos like:

which happens to be your first sentence. If this was say, your final draft and I was in admissions, I would be turned off on this essay immediately- no matter how good the rest of it was. In the same way, don't start off an essay or a paragraph with "I". It's not necessarily bad, but just looks unprofessional. This is just my personal opinion though.

Watch your repetition. There are many words out there, and when you are typing an essay fast you tend to forget them and use the same word over and over. This is also something you will catch with a verbal proof read, and eventually when you're writing you'll have a feel for it.

Why is gallant italicized and what is with the #'s? Are they censored names of friends?

Overall, the topic is good. However, it's underdeveloped, and therefore lacks the proper punch that you would want from your common app essay. I would rework through each paragraph, and concentrate on changing things that sound awkward or choppy, as well as your repeated words.

Word Choice: 4/10 frequently repeated words, shows lack of effort
Sentence Structure: 4/10 odd mistakes, feels like gears clanking, not smooth
Topic: 6/10 good topic, could be very powerful with a strong sentence flow
Hook: 7/10 story-like style brings reader in, however it is harder to make perfect than a regular essay

Total: 21/40

Rework it and try again! Really concentrate on your errors and build a new, better essay :)

I am intrigued by this, but like the comment above, here are lots of areas for improvement.

Revise and then let's read it again.

I was reminded immediately in the first part of a verse from Coleridge:

Like one, that on a lonesome road,
Doth walk in fear and dread;
And having once turned 'round, walks on
And turns no more his head
Because he knows a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

Thank samcguff and Stephen~ You've been a lot of help!
Here is the second version and more advice is appreciated....

By and by, who can help me to find the echoism in the first sentence? THX

Six-Minute Eternity
" ....." My footsteps echoed on the cramped country lane. Moon was my only company. Old cramped buildings lining both sides, cast strange shadows onto the remote road. Late January wind determined to display his power in the last days of the winter, bringing vague dog barks and intermittent cock crows from nowhere. Old country smell haunted my nostrils. I quickened my legs. When sunlight abandoned this community, my gallant action, coming to an outlying clinic alone, proved to be enjoyable not at all.

SEE BELOW

This is better, but I still have issues with a couple of things.

One is the use of articles (definite 'the,' and indefinite 'a' and 'an.') These are important signifiers in English, signaling that a noun is to follow, and what kind. I notice that these are missing, and it is jarring not to have them there.

The second is the use of vocabulary. I think that some of these words were picked from a thesaurus and are not a part of your normal vocabulary. It is a hard thing to do that well; precision, which leads to fluency, is lost when you don't choose just the exact right word. You should redo this using vocabulary you are familiar with, making it simpler and more fluent, adding to the impact.

Thank you Stephen~ I's so good to see your comments.
I'll redo it right now.

Please More Advice......

OK, here is the third version.
More advice please. I wonder if it is too risky to use this as the main essay. The purpose may be a little bit too vague.
Please tell me what do you think of it...

Six-Minute Eternity
"...." Darkness ate away my footsteps. Old cramped buildings lining both sides, cast strange shadows onto the remote road. Moon was my lonely company. Late January wind determined to display his power in the last days of the winter, bringing vague dog barks and intermittent cock crows from nowhere. Old country smell haunted my nostrils. I quickened my legs. When sunlight abandoned this community, my gallant action, coming to an outlying clinic alone, proved to be enjoyable not at all.
It was bad luck to get a 102℉ fever right before the final exam. After all, when teachers mentioned the importance of a healthy body, my deskmate always added "as strong as Yuting is" with a giggle. Running cross-country and playing ping-pong, I'm the epitome of health. However, three days after my fun-loving deskmate got a fever, my immune defense line unexpectedly collapsed. The boarding school medical center was unable to provide a remedy, so the head teacher suggested my parents sending me to a private doctor in the city as the school sits in a deserted developing zone, but I decided to handle it myself. After the afternoon section, I went on a solo hunt for a clinic.
The return trek consisted of a six-minute eternity winding through gloomy lonesome lanes with a dizzy head, sore eyes and a high temperature. Thinking of a pressure-cooker evening of final-term study only made me feel worse. All club activities on campus ceased on account of the final. Life became monotony before the tests. I missed the feeling when excitement struck me like electric shocks, activating every single cell.
Upon taking the last turn of the sickly path, I saw the dim street light off the main road. A couple was standing at the junction, tasting their own world. I sped up to shake off the dread shade when suddenly something in the darkness grasped my left arm, tightly. Every drop of my blood ceased to flow. I could sense a tall man in the shadow. I could even feel the vicious look on his face. I was in trouble. Something did strike me like electric shocks, but not as I wished.
Terror cleansed my spinning brain in a split second and in another, I made my decision. Certainly, doing Taekwondo with the hand in darkness wouldn't work. Crying for help would be too risky. The couple twenty meters away might run and call the police, but that would be too late for me. If it were a gamble, I would wager on my own wit. I yelled out, but not for help. "Hey, XX, XXX, I'm here！" I called the first two names came to my mind, confident and clear( I thought). As I had hoped, the couple looked at me in bewilderment since there was nobody else around. The hand clutching at my arm loosened a bit. The hand in the darkness was hesitating! My heart pumped——the only chance! Sprang to the couple as fast as possible, I waved my arms to keep their attention. Hope quivered in my nerves. How I wished I had practiced running harder. That twenty meters, the distance from darkness to brightness, were the fastest I've ever run, longest I've ever known. I embraced the brightness with all my strength. Luckily the criminal didn't take the risk to chase me. Sprinting all the way back with the freezing January wind, I found myself leaning breathlessly on the school building, covered in cold sweat, brain swirling, fever broken.
Our campus rested comfortably under the quiet moonlight. Green decorative lamps glimmered in winter grass. Bright light shed through broad glass windows, undisturbed. My friends were digging knowledge at the desk as usual. Looking at their calm eyes and healthy cheeks, I smiled, acquiring a new understanding of everyday life.

Thanks again~

I like the original one"the hand in the darkness". Your hook is already very impressive to me~