Common Application Essay----"Doer or Leader?"

Essay Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.


--------I know this essay may be unrefined and hackneyed, but I still hope you could provide me with any criticism or suggestion. Thanks a lot for your time.------------------------------------



Doer or Leader?
Dizziness. Numbness. Only my beating heart reminded me that I was standing onstage.

I am not a natural-born leader. My friends and teachers always considered me more of doer, as someone who never dared to venture outside of her own comfortable bubble. In school, I was always praised for my focus and diligence, and I was always at the top of my class. But despite this,hardly I ever challenged myself to step outside of what I already knew.

Well I think this essay has a good beginning to lead the way but a compratively weak ending. I think you need more work on the part after you began your speech.

How did you make the change? You should describe more the changing atitude of the audience and judges so as to make your argument stronger in the end.

Above all, I think quite good work, especially on the language.

Well just my own opinion. Take whatever you need.

Thanks a lot for your comments. Yeah, I agree with your opinion about my ending part.it is kinda of weak,and something you said about the reaction about the audience, i think so too.

i would make some revision.

Thanks again

No problem.
Best luck

Your English is quite good, and it shows in your writing.

There might be more to say about your leadership. Some leaders are primarily doers, while some are thinkers and dreamers. What is your leadership style? That's important to know, too, I think. Elaborate on that a little.

Thanks a lot for ur advice. I'll work on my weakness.

I change the ending and it may affect the central ideas of this essay. Could you give me any opinions about this one? And the comparison between the two...thanks a lot for your help.
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Doer or Leader?
Dizziness. Numbness. Only my beating heart reminded me that I was standing onstage.

I am not a natural-born leader. My friends and teachers always considered me more of a doer, as someone who never dared to venture outside of her own comfortable bubble. In school, I was always praised for my focus and diligence, and I was always at the top of my class. But despite this, I hardly ever challenged myself to step outside of what I already knew.

Like most kids in China today, I am an only child. The center of my parents and grandparents' lives, I grew used to having the support and protection of others, always engulfed in their intense pride and love. Though I was grateful for their support, they never forced me to truly venture outside myself. Although being able to avoid great failure in this way, I soon recognized that not challenging myself might be the biggest failure of all.

Therefore, during my last year of high school, I decided to do something completely out of character; I decided to campaign for student body president. As a new and difficult endeavor, I would have to give a speech in front of the entire student body. I had never before given a speech in front of anybody, never mind in front of five hundred students!

When the day came, I stared at each candidate's face, looking for any indication that they shared my same anxieties. Though I practiced the speech at home for weeks, my nerves took over; I was convinced that everyone must be able to hear the loud thumping of my heart.

"Number 24, Yue Long!" Eyes were gazing at me from every direction, freezing the surrounding air molecules.

"Good afternoon, everyone, my name is ......"，I began my speech.

As I stood there in front of over 500 people, my legs shook as uncontrollably as I stammered through the speech. Glancing at the audience, I noticed that half of them were sleeping and the other half seemed disinterested. Disappointment flooded me, suggesting me to stop this boring speech. As usual, cowardice took over. I awkwardly rushed down the stage, leaving the soporific hall with fluctuant din.

Such was my first onstage experience, something I preferred not to mention afterwards. However, I fail to deny the impact this experience exerted on me. Since that time, I firmly determined myself to beat off all the so-called outside fear, including presenting speeches repeatedly. As a doer who does not possess the innate courage to challenge the unknown, I fortunately have the access to failures, which allow me to break the babble and fetch my own dreams.

Much better job I think. However, you stated your change, but I think you need more to prove that. Perhaps demonstrate one of your other experiences that shows your change.


Again, just my opinion.
Take whatever you need.

Hey, I am also a student from China.
Overall, your essay is quite good. Since you choose that topic for your common, I think you should focus more on the impact that this experience has given you. How it shapes your character? How it motivates you? Don't just narrow yourself to this onstage experience. Try to step out this experience and talk more about other things that related to this experience, that is to say the impact on the other things in your life. I believe the impact is much more important. Try to make your essay unique!
Just like mcdy143, just my opinion, take whatever you need. And good luck! ^^

Good to see you, alice. yeah, i think so but maybe the only problem is that I am always afraid of getting to long and wordy, so i'd rather choose to write my feelings short.

i will consider your advice. Thanks a lot. i really appreciate it.

Nice to meet you too.

I think you don't have to worry about the word limit at first. Try to write whatever you want to convey to your reader. Then after you finish first draft, try to delete those redundant part, shorten wordy sentences and make your essay succinct.

Don't worry too much about how many words your write. One of my best friends wrote about a thousand words for his common app, and he was finally admitted by Yale and Princeton.
So, keep working on your essay and good luck!

Doer or Leader?

---------------------I have edited a little bit about the ending part. Could anyone give me some advice about this one compared to the former two?--------------------------------------------

Dizziness. Numbness. Only my beating heart reminded me that I was standing onstage.

I am not a natural-born leader. My friends and teachers always considered me more of doer, as someone who never dared to venture outside of her own comfortable bubble. In school, I was always praised for my focus and diligence, and I was always at the top of my class. But despite this, I hardly ever challenged myself to step outside of what I already knew.

Like most children in China today, I am an only child. The center of my parents and grandparents' lives, I grew used to having the support and protection of others, always engulfed in their intense pride and love. Though I am grateful for their support, they never forced me to truly venture outside myself. Although I was able to avoid great failure in this way, I soon recognized that not challenging myself was the biggest failure of all.

Therefore, during my second year of middle school, I decided to do something completely out of character; I decided to campaign for student body president. As a new and difficult endeavor, I knew I would have to give a speech in front of the entire student body. I had never before given a speech in front of anybody, never mind in front of five hundred students!

When the day came, I stared at each candidate's face, looking for any indication that they shared my same anxieties. Though I practiced the speech at home for weeks, my nerves took over; I was convinced that everyone must be able to hear the loud thumping of my heart.

"Number 24, Yue Long!" Eyes were gazing at me from every direction, freezing the surrounding air molecules.

"Good afternoon, everyone, my name is ......" and so I began my speech.

As I stood there in front of over 500 people, my legs shook as uncontrollably as I stammered through the speech. Glancing at the audience, I noticed that half of them were sleeping and the other half seemed disinterested. I wanted to stop, but I kept on, remembering the countless nights I had poured my heart into this speech. I thus forced myself to finish, no matter what.

25 minutes passed; I finally ended my debut. Walking down the stage with unwilling applause, I surprisingly did not feel any disappointment. Instead, a sense of achievement flooded me: I have successfully spoken onstage! I was able to break the comfortable bubble! Even I lost my presidency in the end, I slightly felt sorry for participation. I had achieved something much more important than that.

I have learned to challenge, to step outside my narrow world. When again in senior one standing onstage, I became steady even faced with audience's fervor and won the presidency at the end. Though I must admit that originally I am more of a doer, than a leader, I own the courage and steadfastness to reach the unknown and choose my own fate. Continuing my studies in America, well, that is simply the next big challenge I intend to conquer.

Much better!

I think this ought to be a fairly good essay now. Just keep on working and refine some of the contents would be ok.

Good luck

Thanks for your comments. I will keep refining though it's pretty annoying.

========I have edited it for a lot of times. So I suppose this might be the final edition. Could anyone read this essay again and tell me if there is still any space for improvement=========

Doer or Leader?

Dizziness. Numbness. Only my beating heart reminded me that I was standing onstage.

I am not a natural-born leader. My friends and teachers always considered me more of a doer, as someone who never dared to venture outside of her own comfortable bubble. In school, I was always praised for my focus and diligence, and was always at the top of my class. But despite this, I hardly ever challenged myself to step outside the familiar.

Like most children in China today, I am an only child. The center of my parents and grandparents' lives, I grew used to having the support and protection of others, always engulfed in their intense pride and love. Though I am grateful for their support, they never forced me to truly venture outside myself. Although I was able to avoid great failure in this way, I soon recognized that not challenging myself was the biggest failure of all.

Therefore, during my second year of middle school, I decided to do something completely out of character; I decided to campaign for Vice Secretary of the Youth League. As a new and difficult endeavor, I knew I would have to give a speech in front of many students. I had never before given a speech in front of anybody, never mind in front of five hundred students!

When the day came, I stared at each candidate's face, looking for any indication that they shared my same anxieties. Though I practiced the speech at home for weeks, my nerves took over; I was convinced that everyone must be able to hear the loud thumping of my heart.

"Number 24, Yue Long!" Eyes were gazing at me from every direction, and I could feel the frozen atmosphere.

"Good afternoon, everyone, my name is ......" and so I began my speech.

As I stood there in front of over 500 people, my legs shook uncontrollably as I stammered through the speech. Glancing at the audiences, I noticed that half of them were sleeping and the other half appeared disinterested. I wanted to stop, but I kept on, remembering the countless nights I had poured my heart into this speech. I thus forced myself to finish, no matter what.

25 minutes passed; I finally ended my debut. As I exited the stage, I heard only unenthusiastic applause, though I surprisingly did not feel any disappointment. Instead, a great sense of achievement flooded me: I did it!

My speech wasn't perfect, and I lost the campaign in the end. I had, however, achieved something much more important than that: despite playing it safely all my life, I am completely capable of reaching outside of myself to achieve more. When participating again in senior one, I won the position with all student government members' agreement with the result. Still feeling the dizziness onstage, however, I could compose myself, not standing with numbness anymore. Though I must admit I am more of a doer than a leader, I could courageously rise to the occasion when necessary. Continuing my studies in America, well, that is simply the next big challenge I intend to conquer.