common app 150 word extracurricular essay- about art honor society

Prompt: This is the 150 word essay in which you explain the importance of an extracurricular activity you do.
Not only would I like advice on how to polish the piece, I also need guidance on how to trim it down without sacrificing either the interesting or informative parts of the essay. Any help would be great!!


You know those people who get excited when they can fulfill mundane tasks and simultaneously save the planet? Purchasing a burger and ending world hunger, buying anything pink and funding cancer research. I saw that dual potential in National Art Honor Society (NAHS) membership. NAHS epitomizes the prototypical school club; all of its activities are truly the result of student initiative. I seized its opportunity to interface my interest in art with my desire to make things happen. I chaired the Edible Art Contest—and I was hooked. I have coordinated several projects, but last year I assumed leadership of NAHS' most logistically ambitious project yet, a trip to Chicago. I obtained School Board approval, conducted parent meetings, oversaw the fundraising and itinerary committees, and built a very good relationship with the school's accountant. I dedicated over forty hours to this trip's preparation, and I would like to do it again this year. The thrill of proving myself and bettering the experiences of others inspires me. NAHS facilitated my growth into the enthusiastic, efficient leader I want to be in order to establish a career in public health.

Words: 188

A few general comments:

You know those people who get excited when they can fulfill mundane tasks and simultaneously save the planet?

I don't like the use of the phrase "mundane tasks." Is art a mundane task to you? Something more appropriate would be enjoyable activity or personal interest.

NAHS epitomizes the prototypical school club

A prototype is defined as "the original or model on which something is based or formed." I think a plain "typical" fits much better.

I seized its opportunity to interface my interest in art with my desire to make things happen.

Use "this" instead of "its."

I assumed leadership of NAHS' most logistically ambitious project yet, a trip to Chicago.

Use a semicolon instead of a comma.

The thrill of proving myself and bettering the experiences of others inspires me.

"Bettering the experiences of others" is somewhat awkwardly worded.

Overall the information itself is very impressive, and I like the last line, which ties it into something practical.

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Now on shortening it down.

This is an extremely short essay, so get straight to the point -- a cutesy introductory sentence isn't really necessary. You can probably cut out the first two sentences and simply say, "The National Art Honor Society (NAHS) epitomizes the typical school club: every activity is truly the result of student initiative." Or, even better, "The National Art Honor Society (NAHS) gave me the unique opportunity to combine my interest in art with my desire to make things happen." and edit from there.