Common App-Significant Experience- To jump or not to jump (suggestions pls)

The Common App prompt asked to evaluate a signigicant experience

To jump or not to jump- that was the question that July afternoon. I timidly watch my fellow prefects jump off the thirty-five foot rock into the chilly, dark lake below. This mountain of granite that I'm frozen to for dear life is known as "The Rock". It's the Eiffel tower of Minnesota's boundary waters territory- a must see.
In my normal life I would not be caught dead here. I was not the kind of girl who enjoyed going without showers for a week or surviving on the staple food of summer sausage or even jumping off enormous rocks to show my bravery. I enjoyed the daily pleasures of using a running toilet, wearing makeup, and not smelling like last week's leftovers. But here I stood in the wilderness of Minnesota, contradicting everything I thought I was.
A few months ago I had interviewed at my high school to be a Prefect- a senior honor and leadership position. I explained my strong desire to be a leader and servant to my fellow students. I was given the position of Community Service Prefect. Now I would actually have to act on all of these claims I had made and worst of all I would have to attend the accursed Prefect Trip- paddling for days in Minnesota's boundary waters without most things that I considered to be essential. The dreaded day quickly approached and I cried the night before, fearing death would soon occur whether by moose attack or by my own accord.
Though something changed as the days passed, and I "became one with nature". I learned that I had higher capabilities than I even knew, and I never took the easy way out. I think I received my "Aha!" moment as I waded through the hundreds of lily pads and watched my canoe make way for my path. It was a moment of simplicity and indescribable understanding in which I realized that a vast lake stood before me ready to be paddled through; it was just whether I had the determination and endurance to push myself and make it to the end.
This "Aha" moment came back to me as I stood on the ledge of "The Rock". I could stay where I was in safety or I could jump full force into the unknown waters and pursue an unknown future.
Well, I won't leave you in suspense any longer- I jumped, which was accompanied by a substantial amount of water up my nose. It was a little painful with the impact of the water but completely worth it. And from that moment on I've given myself the challenge to make the most of every opportunity and to jump headlong into the game of life which is my future.

A few months ago I had interviewed at my high school to be a Prefect- a senior honor and leadership position. (check the grammar of this sentence)

I like everything that you said. You're a good storyteller. But it seems a little long, because I think they want only 150 words of fewer. I don't think you have to dwell too long on the journey to become a prefect, but instead how the whole job feels to you and specifically what you do. Because the question says to elaboarate on the extra-curricular activity or job.

Thanks! well I was going to use it for my common app personal essay w/ the instructions "Please write an essay (250 words minimum) .....Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I'm also not sure if I like the wording I used "the game of life which is my future". Any suggestions or do you think it's fine?

oooo well if it's that one then you should go into more detail because a good common app essay has around 500 words. maybe go more into depth what you're thinking about at the interview, and describe what you have gained or learned from the whole experience.

I was not the kind of girl who enjoyed going without showers for a week, surviving on the staple food of summer sausage or jumping off enormous rocks to show my bravery.

A few months ago, I had interviewed at my high school to be a Prefect- a senior honor and leadership position.

Now I would actually have to act on all of these claims I had made, and I would have to attend the accursed Prefect Trip- paddling for days in Minnesota's boundary waters without most things that I'd considered essential.

It was a moment of simplicity and indescribable understanding in which I realized that a vast lake stood before me, ready to be paddled through; it was just whether I had the determination and endurance to push myself and make it to the end.

Good luck!!

:)