Common App Short -- first job

Here is my common app short essay about my first job. Right now, it's at about 168 words. I would truly appreciate any feedback. (:

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

It was mid-July, the sun was scorching and "SPF" was the talk of the day. It was one of the hottest days of the summer and I was indoors wishing my light blouse was a wool coat. If I had to change something about my first job, it would be the thermostat. As an intern in Human Resources at Goodwill of Silicon Valley my tasks included screening job applicants, organizing pay checks, making copies, as well as greeting guests or receiving telephone calls when I served as the front desk receptionist. Through my work with Goodwill I was exposed with what goes on behind the scenes in an industry. While constant work kept me somewhat warm in that glacier of an office building, I enjoyed the effort I put into my job. For the first time in my life, I experienced working for myself. Thus the feeling of accomplishment this lent me at the end of the day combined with stepping out of the office was pure bliss.

Hi, it is nice. Can not say much about grammar or structure. I'm a student as well, but this part caught my attention "For the first time in my life, I experienced working for myself". Did you really? From you wrote I can conclude that you were for somebody. I think it is better to put "For the first time in my life, I experienced having a (real) job" or "For the first time in my life, I indulged in working"

thanks so much!

Nice. It's pretty concise and direct. I suggest that you somewhat change the last sentence, because its grammatical structure seems awkward. Overall, good job though.

Separate the two halves of a compound sentence with a comma:

It was one of the hottest days of the summer, and I was indoors wishing my light blouse was a wool coat.

This is cool: If I had to change something about my first job, it would be the thermostat.

Do you have the freedom in this essay to elaborate and somehow connect that experience to your plans for college?