Common App Short Answer - Working at A&F - criticism welcome!

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer). Current word count: 148. All criticism is welcomed. Thanks!

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A hypnotizing fragrance pervades the air. Dance remixes of chart-topping hits pulse through the speakers. I take a deep whiff and surrender myself to the thumping bass. This isn't Saturday night at the hottest club in Vegas, but rather Sunday morning during my early work shift. Working at Abercrombie & Fitch taught me that combining what I do with what I love is possible. My organization, honesty, and social skills were tested as I arranged clothing, handled money, and assisted clientele (in Tagalog and French!). Passing each test with flying colors, I was asked to stay on for a year after being hired as a seasonal model. Naturally, I accepted. Surrounded by fashion I loved and the banter of my colleagues, I equated going to work with attending a party. After all, singing along to Lady Gaga's songs while folding the clearance pile by color is a blast.

Excellent, it is great that work feels like a party. Remember in the future, when you have jobs that are not as fun, to continue approaching every day like a party.

Maybe you can make a powerful theme of this... a theme of engaging life directly with a positive attitude. I think you should scrap the first sentence.. and omit parts that convey the "superficial" nature of the mall, full of consumers and advertisers. I think you should acknowledge these things, and express to the reader a theme of keeping a positive attitude, and keeping life like a sacred sort of party.