Common App Short Answer- Community Service

Please critique my short answer. any advice is welcome . thanks!!

Community service

Dark rings under sunken eyes, ragged clothing, and muddy hands pleaded for his sympathy. "Keep your candy," my father said as he handed the boy a couple of coins. With a toothless smile the boy thanked him and vanished within the mist and traffic of Lima.

With time I have realized that more than a couple of coins are needed to make a difference. This is why I got involved with community service, an activity through which I was able to build houses for those affected by the Ica earthquake, provide religious education for the indigenous tribes of the Iquitos jungle, and donate school supplies and basic goods for dozens of public schools around Peru. Helping soon became more than a social obligation, it became an avocation through which I have found fulfillment and rejoice, a passion I wish to develop throughout my life and inculcate in my surroundings.

I liked the topic and intro of your essay very much.

I feel that you might want to talk more about how this experience effected you some more. You kind of just mention what you do now but not what caused that change.

Other than this I though it was well written

Thanks. the problem is i already have 149 words and the limit is 150.. so i'm not sure about what to take out :/

any other advice?

Instead of the first part being a separate part, you could combine it with the other effectively.

This is a very short word count, and your idea and experience are almost too big for such a short answer. You might also want to consider focusing on one thing, rather than generalizing so much.

"This is why I got involved with community service, an activity through which I was able to build houses for those affected by the Ica earthquake, provide religious education for the indigenous tribes of the Iquitos jungle, and donate school supplies and basic goods for dozens of public schools around Peru. Helping soon became more than a social obligation, it became an avocation through which I have found fulfillment and rejoice, a passion I wish to develop throughout my life and inculcate in my surroundings."

Before this, I love the imagery and it's such a strong moment. The reader understands that this is why you got involved in community service, you don't have to reiterate the point. "An activity through which" is also unnecessary. Anything sentence using "through which" usually doesn't work.

Reword and work the transitioning of this bit and you'll be good. By the way, when was helping a social obligation? And in the last sentence, you use "avocation," "fulfillment" and "rejoice" (which is a verb.) and "inculcate" (you want to instill helping in your surroundings?). It sounds unnatural when you use so many big words together. In that last sentence, I bet you can decrease the total number of words significantly. These big words don't tell me anything. Use your words wisely.

And I like the first sentence as it is. It foreshadows your point.