Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet)

I graduated high school in a complicated position. Due to illness throughout my sophomore to senior years, I had missed a lot of school and spent most of my summers and whatever times I was well enough completing school work through means of correspondence and alternative classes and schools. I pushed myself through all of this because I was determined to graduate. However, at graduation I was not enrolled at a four-year school for the fall, so I decided to attend Middlesex Community College. MCC was a good way for me to take a variety of courses to gain a well-rounded education and expose me to all the choices that are out there to pursue. I continued to attend MCC for five semesters (one in the summer). Now I am stronger than ever and eager to attend a four-year school. Though I have not lived the "typical" high school experience by going to prom, participating in sports, and attending a graduation ceremony, I am grateful for having gotten to where I am today and I am optimistic about the future. ______ College is an ideal next step for me. I know that I can expand my knowledge and graduate here, ready to face the world with confidence.

Your essay suffers from the sort of vagueness that plagues many students writing this sort of thing. What sort of illness are you talking about, specifically? If you don't want to say, you might consider not mentioning it at all. What sort of courses did you take through correspondence? How did you do? How does this connect to your educational goals? What, beyond going to college in general, are those goals? Ground your writing in the specific, and your next draft will surely be stronger.

It's okay not to disclose the nature of your illness, especially if it falls into the category of a disability, in which case (if you are in the States) you are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. But you absolutely must, as Sean suggests, be much more precise and detailed about everything else.

Of course, your readers won't know, as Simone does not, whether you actually are protected by the disabilities act unless you tell them whether or not your illness falls into the category of a disability. More to the point, it is difficult to feel sympathy for someone who says only that they have suffered from an illness, when that illness is being used to justify oddities in a university application. Really, it's just a matter of what I always advise students writing these sorts of essays -- prefer the specific to the general, the detailed to the vague. I understand that you may have personal reasons for wish to avoid going into detail about your illness, in which case, by all means, leave that part of your draft as is, but be aware that the vagueness that results will in fact be a weakness in the essay.

thank you very much for your feedback! The illness that I suffered with is an eating disorder, and the reason I left that out is because I feel that it is something many people don't understand to a full extent. I'm hesitant to reveal it because some people dismiss it as a shallow materialistic way of life and not a legit illness.

Right, anorexia and bulimia are real and at times life-threatening illnesses but do tend to be perceived in the ways you state and thus you are probably right in not disclosing.

There is a certain amount of risk involved as far as perception of eating disorders go. Whether you should mention it therefore probably depends on what you need your essay to accomplish. It sort of sounds, from the way your essay is written at the moment, as if your illness caused you to miss classes and possibly obtain lower academic grades than you otherwise would have. If this is the case, then you are not just explaining the reasons for your transfer, you are attempting to explain away negative aspects of your application that might cause the transfer request to be rejected. If this is the case, a narrative explaining your specific condition and how you eventually overcame it would so much stronger than one that omitted the details that the risk is probably worth it.

On the other hand, you may have a very strong application overall to begin with. If this is the case, then Simone is right -- you can answer the prompt without going into detail about the nature of your illness, though you should still revise the other parts of your essay for specificity.

Either way, good luck with your revisions, and feel free to post your new draft here when it is done.

Thank you both for getting back to me. I missed school so much because I was in and out of the hospital, put on bed rest, etc, because my heath was at serious risk. I guess the reason I included it is because it is such a big part of my life. For my senior year, I ended up living at a school for people who couldn't live at home for various reasons, and what I experienced there is so important to me and exposed me to reality. My original high school in my home town consists of mostly wealthy kids, who are handed everything from the start, and sort of follow the expected preset path to college, grad school, etc.
What I witnessed in my various placements for treatment was people of all ages and backgrounds, some who didn't have families, some who were taken from their families, and some who had heart breaking pasts. It was very eye opening, and I appreciate everything so much now and accept everyone, no matter how far from the norm they appear.
My grades at the community college I have been going to are good. My GPA is a 3.68, and my high school ones are good too. Only a few C's. SO I guess the purpose of my essay is to explain why I'm ready to begin at a four year school, not to talk my way out of a poor transcript.
However, I suppose I could just omit this all from the essay, and simply state that I would like to transfer because I'm done with community college and have maintained sufficient grades thus far. Now that I think about it, it would be much easier. : P

This is very powerful and the kind of thing admissions officers like to hear, so if there is some way to refer to hospitalization and placement without disclosing more than you are comfortable with about the nature of your own difficulties, that might be very useful, albeit more difficult to do.

I feel your pain. I will be a senior in high school this next year (in a school with mostly wealthy kids who have been handed everything from the start . . .). I have epilepsy and have missed a lot of class due to illness and hospitalizations. The disorder is bad enough, but the medications to control the seizures have their own complications to contend with. My high school grades have not been stellar as a result. I have done better when a teacher has a generous make-up policy and not as well in classes where the teacher is a stickler for attendance. I pulled an "A" in AP History, but I don't know how I would explain a "C" in "Social Dance" to an admissions officer. My parents have already told me that they want me to live at home and go to a community college for my first year or two so they can help to monitor and stabilize my health. I imagine that I will be in the position you are facing in my not-too-distant future.

Not that my situation has anything to do with your essay, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Do you have to submit your high school transcripts with your application or just the transcripts from the community college? Your community college grades are enough to stand on their own. If you do have to submit your high school transcripts, I could see where a little explanation is in order to tell about the various schools/programs and alternate route that you took. Your success in community college should assure an admissions officer that you are recovered and not a risk for failure. Personally, I see your recovery from the eating disorder as a badge of strength and a life experience that has made you stronger while providing insight into human nature including your own. I acknowledge that there is an element of risk in divulging the nature of your illness, but I don't think that a reasonable person would hold it against you, especially because you have recovered and shown success in a community college setting (and even in high school while battling a debilitating condition!).

If you do talk about your struggles with illness, emphasize the recovery as well and how the experience has helped you become a better person.

Notoman, this is very touching. Thank you for so generously sharing your experience. It's so essential for us all to know we are not alone.

That about sums my own view of the matter, too. I suspect that the vast majority of application officers would have the same attitude.

Notoman,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate that a lot it helps to know that I am not alone. : ) Even though our situations aren't exactly the same I can definitely empathize with you, and I wish you the best of luck in your future education! Thank you for acknowledging my recovery as a badge of strength too. That was very well said!

The essay that I ended up doing is below, it's pretty different from what I had originally because I decided to stay as on topic as possible, and the topic is "Why I want to transfer," so here it is... it's 329 words though, and it's supposed to be 250. I'm hoping that's not a problem?



When I graduated high school, I was not enrolled at a four year school for the fall. Getting through high school was challenging for me due to personal difficulties and struggles. However, I pushed through them for four years with a goal in mind, and that was to go to college. I attended Middlesex Community College after high school, and succeeded in getting a foundation of education that I did not fully achieve in high school. Drawing I and Color and Design were two of the most rewarding courses for me. Completing a piece of art that took a lot of dedication, time, and effort is one of the most satisfying feelings for me. I also found Math Modeling to be another enjoyable course. Using math formulas in everyday life situations comes easily to me. I particularly enjoy the math involved in finance and accounting. I decided to expand my knowledge and understanding of the business world by taking business 101 this summer and working for my dad at an insurance agency. At this point, I have gotten what I can from MCC, I am feeling stronger after overcoming my struggles, and I'm ready to take the next step toward the goal that I've had in mind for my whole life, to attend a four year college and get the real college experience. Attending Suffolk University is an ideal next step for me. Not only does the Sawyer Business School appeal to me, but the fact that the Interior Design program at the art school is accredited by the Counsel for Interior Design Accreditation is something that I will keep in mind. I have an art portfolio that has earned me acceptance to several art schools, and though I plan to attend Suffolk in a business program, I would like to have the option of furthering my education in art if possible, and ultimately in the future blend my art skills with the business world to build my career.

Your essay is more on-topic, which is good. It is also still a bit vague and wordy. Admittedly, you want to remain a bit vague at the very beginning, but the rest of the essay should be tightened up for specificity. Cutting out the verbiage will also help with the word count, of course.

Here is a possible revision of your introduction, to get you started on the process of cutting:

"When I graduated high school, I was not enrolled at a four year school for the fall. After pushing Getting through high school was challenging for me due to four years of personal difficulties and struggles in high school, However, I pushed through them for four years with a goal in mind, and that was to go to college. I attended Middlesex Community College after high school, and succeeded in getting a foundation of education that I had previously lacked. did not fully achieve in high school.

In these situations, you want to be very careful to follow all guidelines exactly. Luckily, as Sean has shown, you ought to be able to get it down simply by weeding unnecessary words and phrases rather than by sacrificing content.