Common App: Personal Essay (the divorce of my parents, immigration to US)

Hi, I'm Artur. I need help with my writing. English is not my native tongue and I'm trying my best on the college application. Any help is going to be useful. My teachers already looked at this one. I do not think there is going to be a lot mistakes in it, but any way previously thank you.



Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.


Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

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REMOVED

Throughout the course of life, each person experiences obstacles that have long lasting effects on them. These obstacles help shape the person's point of view and lifestyle.

The first real stress in my life was the divorce of my parents. My parents got divorced when I was six years old, and, at that time, I did not truly understand what had happened. Deep in my heart, I wished that my father would come back and everything would be well again. It did not happen. For eight years, I lived with my mother in a country of no opportunities and very little hope. I saw my mother's hardships, and I wanted to help her with the burden of providing enough resources for five people in the house, cooking food, and keeping the house clean. I started with little things at first. It made me feel good when I was helping helped her with house chores. As I got older, I started to help her with the trading of the products. It was not easy, but I felt that it was my responsibility. And only long after the fact of my parents' divorce I understood every aspect, reason, and outcome of that situation.

Immigration to U.S was one of the most important decisions that I had ever made. I actually had a choice of staying or immigrating. If I stayed, I would live with my mother in a poor country with very few options for the future. However, I chose the route that was full of new challenges, experiences, and options. I would (will?) never regret this decision.

One of the biggest challenges that I faced was living with my new family. I started to live with my father, stepmother and stepbrother. In the beginning, it was difficult because as we engaged in long arguments because over small things. After a while, when everybody got used to each other and became more open to the rest of the family members, things slowly started to work out, slowly. After three years, there is a lot (sounds better without the words a lot) less arguing and much more productive coexistence.

As I understood, the nuclear family difficulties were not my major problem. My major problem was the language. Russian and English are two very different languages. The alphabet, grammar and pronunciation are on two opposing scales. After being born, raised and taught in another country, it was not easy to catch up with the new language right away. Not really understanding the school system, I had no choice but to be placed in a small, brand new new small school.

I was placed in a class for English Language Learners. Since the primary focus of ELL classes is to help students acquire the new language, I feel that they do not provide individuals with the full range of knowledge. These classes are much simpler and do not require a lot of brainwork. It was not what I came for to the United States. Because of my ambitions, commitment, and diligence, I convinced the guidance counselor to move me into the regular classes. By my junior year, I was in the English honors class. I was able to excel to the level of Advanced Placement English course in my senior year.

In my senior year, I volunteered in the New York Harbor Healthcare System at the Department of Veteran Affairs in Brooklyn. I was helping clerks, nurses, visitors, and veterans themselves. This position requires a lot of human interactions, knowledge of language, knowledge of sociology, and proper attitude. Without a good stand in the English language, it would be impossible for me to be part of the hospital team.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Everything that does not kill you makes you stronger." I agree with him, because after the analysis of my own live I understand that I became more thoughtful, humane, and just a better person in general as a result of all of the obstacles that I have overcome. I started to pay more attention to my future by revisiting and analyzing the past. I do not want my life to be similar to that of my mother's. Because of that, I am going to put the most effort in to changing not only my life for the better, but also the lives of people who are close to me.

Hope this helps, great essay! Best of luck with everything!

Thank you, I'll consider those remarks.

Here are some suggestions I came up with:
I hope this helps you. =)

One of the greatest, and probably the first adversities I have faced in my life was the divorce of my parents. My parents divorced when I was six years old, but at that age, I could not comprehend the situation. In my heart, I hoped that my father would return, but nothing changed. For eight years, I lived with my mother in a land of minimal oppurtunities and little hope. I witnessed my mother's hardships, and shared her burden of cooking, cleaning, and supplying necessary resources for the family. Helping her with the house chores fortified my sense of empathy. As years progressed, I began helping her by trading products. Although it was far from easy, it had become my responsibilty, and I could not neglect it. (I don't understand the last sentence to this paragraph - sorry)

One of the most apparent challenges I faced in the U.S. was adapting to my new family. I lived with my father, stepmother and stepbrother. The beginning was very difficult - endless arguments over insignificant things dominated our time. As time progressed, everyone became accustomed to each other, and circumastances slowly began to improve. Now, three years later, there is a lot less arguing and a more productive coexistence.


I was placed in a class for English Language Learners. Although the primary focus of the ELL is to help students acquire the skills of a new language, I felt that they did not provide individuals with the full range of knowledge that is necessary. The classes were simple, and required little intellect. It was certainly not what I wanted in the United States. Due to my ambition, determination, and diligence, I convinced the guidance counselor to move me into a regular English class. As a result, by my junior year, I was placed in the English honors class. With hard work and determination, I was able to excel even in the Advanced Placement English course by my senior year.

Thanks to both of you. I combined both of your opinions and now have a better essay. If you do not mind can u look over the new one?
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Throughout the course of life, each person experiences obstacles that have long lasting effects on them. These obstacles help shape the person's point of view and lifestyle.

One of the greatest, and probably the first adversities I have faced in my life was the divorce of my parents. My parents divorced when I was six years old, but at that age, I could not comprehend the situation. In my heart, I hoped that my father would return, but nothing changed. For eight years, I lived with my mother in a land of minimal opportunities and little hope. I witnessed my mother's hardships, and shared her burden of cooking, cleaning, and supplying necessary resources for the family. Helping her with the house chores fortified my sense of empathy. As years progressed, I began helping her with trading products. Although it was far from easy, it had become my responsibility, and I could not neglect it.

Immigration to U.S was one of the most important decisions I had ever made. I actually had a choice of staying or immigrating. If I stayed, I would live with my mother in a poor country with very few options for the future. However, I chose the route that was full of new challenges, experiences, and options. I will never regret my decision.

One of the most apparent challenges I faced in the U.S. was adapting to my new family. I lived with my father, stepmother and stepbrother. The beginning was very difficult – endless arguments over insignificant things dominated our time. As time progressed, everyone became accustomed to each other, and circumstances slowly began to improve. Now, three years later, there is less arguing and a more productive coexistence.

As I understood, the nuclear family difficulties were not my major problem. My major problem was the language. Russian and English are two very different languages. The alphabet, grammar and pronunciation are on two opposing scales. After being born, raised and taught in another country, it was not easy to catch up with the new language right away. Not really understanding the school system, I had no choice but to be placed in a small, brand new school.

I was placed in a class for English Language Learners. Although the primary focus of the ELL is to help students acquire the skills of a new language, I felt that they did not provide individuals with the full range of knowledge that is necessary. The classes were simple, and required little intellect. It was certainly not what I wanted in the United States. Due to my ambition, determination, and diligence, I convinced the guidance counselor to move me into a regular English class. As a result, by my junior year, I was placed in the English honors class. With hard work and determination, I was able to excel even in the Advanced Placement English course by my senior year.

In my senior year, I volunteered in the New York Harbor Healthcare System at the Department of Veteran Affairs in Brooklyn. I was helping clerks, nurses, visitors, and veterans themselves. This position requires a lot of human interactions, knowledge of language, knowledge of sociology, and proper attitude. Without a good stand in the English language, it would be impossible for me to be part of the hospital team.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Everything that does not kill you makes you stronger". I agree with him, because after the analysis of my own live I understand that I became more thoughtful, humane, and just a better person in general as a result of all of the obstacles that I have overcome. I started to pay more attention to my future by revisiting and analyzing the past. I do not want my life to be similar to my mother's. Because of that, I am going to put the most effort in to changing not only my life for the better, but also the lives of people who are close to me.

Throughout the course of life, each person experiences obstacles that have long lasting effects on them. These obstacles help shape the person's point of view and lifestyle.

The first and greatest adversity I have faced in my life was the divorce of my parents.

I actually the choice to either stay or immigrate.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Everything that does not kill you makes you stronger." I agree with him, because after the analysis of my own life I understand that I became more thoughtful, humane, and just a better person in general as a result of all of the obstacles that I have overcome.

You write very well! I am sure that while you attend college you will be able to earn extra money to send back to your mother. You strike me as a very good person, and I wish you excellent luck.

Thanks, your help is appreciated very much. I feel more confident in my writing now. Even though I never was a good writer. In my opinion my essays are too minimalistic and simple.