Common App. "The Homeless" *constructive criticism on my montage-ish style!!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

She was fiery, passionate, caring.
I watched her shout his name and ask what he wanted to eat.
She serves meals at People's Park to the homeless community every Friday.
His head turned, his body shifted, his eyes gazed aimlessly.
I watched him fidget with his walking stick, he was blind.
He gave me my first issue of the "Street Spirit".
I saw a drunk, angry and bitter.
Yet I met a blind man who saw hope where I could not.
I saw others wallowing in regret.
Yet I met those who escaped the streets only to return as activists.
I watched these scenes unfold while volunteering at BOSS. Shadowing (insert name), the bridge between Berkeley's homeless and bureaucrats and also my street outreach mentor, gave me the unique opportunity to learn and experience what most will never encounter.

Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Please express your opinions on the writing style, and whether it provides a good picture of my experience in street outreach. Thanks!

By the way, I'm at 150 words exactly so I can't add without subtracting from it.

Please, any help would be greatly appreciated. I'll happily return the favor and read over yours in return!

She was fiery, passionate, caring.
I watched her shout his name and ask what he wanted to eat.
try to add something about her physical features, face shape, lip color, sound of the voice...it helps the reader visualize and actually be there with you. you don't necessarily have to say you were watching her.
She serves meals at People's Park to the homeless community every Friday.
His head turned, his body shifted, his eyes gazed aimlessly.
I watched him fidget with his walking stick,

---

he was blind.
he was blind. it seems a little too straight forward, my suggestion would be to use his head turn, his body shifted...<---then add why.
He gave me my first issue of the "Street Spirit".
I saw a drunk, angry and bitter.
Yet I met a blind man who saw hope where I could not.
this line where you can't see hope...is almost contradictory. so why were you volunteering here? to put this on your app.?
I saw others wallowing in regret.
Yet I met those who escaped the streets only to return as activists.
I watched these scenes unfold while volunteering at BOSS. Shadowing (insert name), the bridge between Berkeley's homeless and bureaucrats and also my street outreach mentor, gave me the unique opportunity to learn and experience what most will never encounter.

it's creative overall; i'd work on making the overall tone less about how other people were doing this out of their own heart and focusing more on your reasons.

Yeah, I agree that adding some more description is a good idea. Thanks!

It should be read like this:
"I watched him fidget with his walking stick, he was blind."
I used the walking stick is a lead in. Do you think it works well?

Perhaps I used the wrong word there. I think I meant something like joy or happiness. Because I came expecting most if not all the homeless to be disenchanted and angry, but some managed to rise above that and were joyfully embracing the camaraderie within much of the homeless community.

Do you think I am too vague in general? How would I best remedy that without changing to much of the narrative and style? Thanks again!!

Sorry, it's not like I don't want help you, but Engish is my second language. I'm struggling with it already, so I wouldn't want mess you up by give you bad advice....

This is clearly distinct and very descriptive. You do a wonderful job! However, if I would suggest that you represent yourself more in this piece and what you got out of volunteering there. Overall, this piece is captivating.

Thanks a bunch!
@tmohaimin: I know exactly what you mean! The word limit is so limiting and is such an annoyance! I'm at 150 words, the max. Here's my revised, which is also at 150 words. But if I did add how it affected me, how what should I take out? Also, if you have time, could you look over my other essay about Buchenwald! Thanks!

She was fiery, passionate, caring.
Autumn red hair, weathered face, decisive voice.
She shouted his name and asked what he wanted to eat.
She serves meals at People's Park to the homeless community every Friday noon.
His head turned, his body shifted, his eyes gazed aimlessly.
He fidgeted with his walking stick, he was blind.
He gave me my first issue of the "Street Spirit".
I saw a drunk, angry and bitter.
Yet I met a blind man who could see joy in life.
I saw others, lost in regret.
Yet I met those who escaped the streets only to return as activists.
I sensed bonds of kinship more binding than those in many traditional families.
Volunteering at BOSS and shadowing Michael Diehl, the bridge between Berkeley's homeless and bureaucrats and also my street outreach mentor, gave me the unique opportunity to learn and experience what most will never encounter.

So i really like it but i do think you need to add a bit more detail about what you learned...because we have plently of what you experienced in the rest of it. Im sure if you went a couple of words over they would not mind. Its not like they are going to count every word so 20 or so more describing what you learned shouldn't hurt but rather help.

Hope that helps!

@rrayyan6: Yeah, I really want to do that. I'm just worried that they won't accept it? Do you know for sure if it's allowed to fudge the limit a bit? Thanks for your advice!

The problem w/ the word count on the short activity question is that you have to type it into a box, which means it will cut you off if it's more than 150 words.

i agree with hellokitty930, it is a very creative approach at the question, but instead of describing the entire scene so much, maybe you can describe how it felt or what you gained from that experience. i don't see how the experience affected you, until the last sentence. overall, i really like how it's written, and i'm sure it will be excellent if you just change around a few things here and there!

Mariam892
To add to Mariam's suggestion. 'inner diologue' would be extremely helpful in this short piece. try to just write out your inner most thoughts at the moment whilst seeing the homeless. i.e. 'I never knew these people can be so happy.'

Another great suggestion! Thanks!!

You closed the thread to your essay about Buchenwald. I had comments about it so could you re open it? And yeah, the box counts all the words in it so you would have to take out some things in order to fit room for others.

I think the that inner dialogue is a wonderful suggestion but I also think your revision to the piece works well because you do introduce yourself more into the piece. This is amazing.

I'm making new ones for edited versions of both Buchenwald and The Homeless! Can't wait for your imput! For your Sister's essay, I would advise you to think over whether you think you can make the story interesting enough. What is your major? Maybe include a brief ending where you relate it to your field.

My major is PreMed. But since many schools don't have that program, I'm going to major in Biology or Chemistry first.

Oct 25, 09, 12:21pm - Attached on merging:
Common App. Revised "The Homeless" *constructive criticism please*

The ending paragraph was revised quite a bit. Do you think I should elaborate further? Or do you think that the balance of description and commentary is fine as it is? Thanks for any advice in advance!!

She was fiery, passionate, caring.
Autumn red hair, weathered face, decisive voice.
She shouted his name and asked what he wanted to eat.
She serves meals at People's Park to the homeless community every Friday noon.
His head turned, his body shifted, his eyes gazed aimlessly.
He fidgeted with his walking stick, he was blind.
He gave me my first issue of the "Street Spirit".
I saw a drunk, angry and bitter.
Yet I met a blind man who could see joy in life.
I saw others, lost in regret.
Yet I met those who escaped the streets only to return as activists.
I sensed bonds of kinship more binding than those in many traditional families.

Shadowing Michael Diehl, the bridge between Berkeley's homeless and bureaucrats and also my street outreach mentor, I heard unique stories. Stories that not only dispelled the dark misconceptions of homeless existence, but also shed light on its many inspiring aspects. I learned that a story, with its human element, helps paint a truly holistic understanding. Ultimately, this experience also taught me how to seek inspiration in the most unlikely of place. It is with this mindset that I now approach life and I have no doubt that this outlook will continue to enrich my life.

By the way, the limit to the short answer prompt on the common app is actually 1500 characters!!