Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence

Hi, this is my first time posting and also the first time I'm receiving feedback on my essay. I know that this is not a very polished draft but any advice or corrections are appreciated.

My Brother (Working Title - Any suggestions would be great!):

I had neither the maturity nor the knowledge ...

SEE BELOW

"Show, dont tell" is always the advice I get about college essays. I thought you did a good job with this by stating your characteristics and then told specific stories of how you demonstrate them in real life.

I had neither the maturity nor the knowledge to understand what it the diagnosis would mean for my brother. The doctor's muffled words;: "disorder", "disability," and "sickness" were enough for an feeble eight year old mind to realize that something was wrong. After that day, my life would changed drastically.

Imagine waking up to a world where communicating thoughts, emotions and needs was the most challenging task. This is the world of Autism which my brother Mervin was thrown into when he was three years old. As I have grown up As I grew, my brother's condition has affected nearly every aspect of my life.

Independence was one of the first characteristics I developed as a result of my brother's condition. Because of the constantly dealing with sudden tantrums and always trying to discerning what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents have always been extremely preoccupied. I have never been neglected, but when it came time to attend football games or help with schoolwork, it was not unusual for me to manage on my own. On top of being the sibling of a child with autism, I am also the only other child. Sometimes I feel like I have all the disadvantages of being an only child without the assets of one with a sibling. Just knowing that I will never be able to play basketball with my brother the way that most siblings do sparked jealousy within me. AltThough hopeful, I am realistic, and I know that I am solely responsible for the future of my family. Research will hopefully bring progress to combat the effects of Autism., [s]but[/s]Until then, I hold the burden of being the only one left to successfully [s]carrying on perpetuate (??) my family name.[/s]

Patience and tolerance are two essential qualities that I have developed in order to cope with Mervin in certain situations. As other children complained and fidgeted in their seats, I would nervously glance at Mervin knowing that at any time he couldmight scream or giggle at any time resulting in the unpleasant glares of the church congregation. What is more painful is having no way of showing others that he is not a typical child. If he were in a wheelchair, the people might have been sympathetic and tolerant, instead we were glared at with a look that said, "control your child, he is old enough!" It is surprising how much an object such as a wheelchair could turn the annoyed stares to comforting eyes which say "I understand". When Mervin would scratch, kick, slap or even bite me, maintaining my composure was not always an easy task but I had no choice but to adapt.

I knew I could not just give up on my brother; I only had to be persistent and improvements would come in time. As I have matured, i began teaching my brother how to do certain tasks that I took for granted. I could not stop myself from bragging to my parents when I taught Mervin to buckle his seat belt and remove it. Seeing Mervin pronounce simple words like "no", or even nodding his head to acknowledge something was an accomplishment.. When I see the frustration in Mervin's eyes after he tries repeatedly to pronounce the word "water" or explain why his head hurts, anger, sadness and disappointment flood my thoughts. I think "why my brother?" but I will never give up hope.

I think this essay would be stronger if you emphasized on small things like how your social life, or your life in education was influenced.

The essay is outstanding and a rwal tribute to your patience and integrity.

Like lalala, though, I'd like to see some of what you really lost. That's a part of the emotional content too.

thanks for the advice and corrections

Hi i was wondering if my essay would be applicable for the Rutgers essay prompt:

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Or can this topic be one of my main points in an essay which focuses on many aspects such as my extracurriculars and other things mentioned in the prompt?

I don't really understand the Rutgers prompt

HI, Kevin!

This is the question you have to answer in your essay, "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?" As I see it, you already have all of the 'considerations' mentioned in the prompt covered in your essay as far as what you would contribute to them. All you need to answer now is what you can glean from an education at Rutgers - what do you think they can provide for you?

After you answer that, you have to whittle your essay down to 3500 characters (including spaces??Is there a way to count that besides physically counting it?). That will be the hardest part because your essay is so comprehensive and topic-focused.

I would go with it being one of many talents and experiences that have shaped the person you are but also perhaps the most significant reason why you have so much to bring to the Rutgers' table. Maturity, work ethic, and dedication are the stock that makes for a very successful academic career.

I look forward to reading the finished product!

PS> I am still trying to imagine what 3500 characters would be in word count...let me count my characters here..hang on....

OK, I got cross-eyed after counting 200 characters (27 words...) Good luck with that! Let me know if you know of a way for the computer to do that; I've never had to...Thanks:)

Blue skies!
Jeannie

Nov 8, 09, 04:21pm - Attached on merging:
Will tweaked essay be applicable for these prompts? Also, need help revising

I tweaked one of my essays and i was wondering if it answers the following college essay prompts:

1.Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.

2. In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the community.

3. The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

I also need revisions please
Thanks

It's written for Rutgers right now:


Imagine waking up to a world where communicating thoughts, emotions and needs is your most challenging task. This is the world of Autism which my brother, Mervin was thrown into when he was three years old. As I grew, my brother's condition has affected nearly every aspect of my life.

I have never been neglected but when it came time to attend football games or receive help with schoolwork, it was not unusual for me to manage on my own. Independence was one of the first characteristics I developed as a result of my brother's condition. From constantly dealing with sudden tantrums and always trying to discern what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents have always been extremely preoccupied. Just knowing that I will never be able to play basketball or catch with my brother the way most siblings do sparked jealousy within me. I could have remained supine and accepted my circumstances but I took the initiative to join several activities. I signed myself up for recreational basketball, a sport I have always enjoyed and continue to play. In addition, I joined the high school football team where I played wide receiver and defensive back. Soon, I was introduced to weightlifting, a crucial part of any successful athletes' routine. Had it not been for my independence, I might have missed out on many enriching activities.

Patience and tolerance are two essential qualities that I have developed in order to cope with Mervin in certain situations. When Mervin would scratch, kick, slap or even bite me, maintaining my composure was not always an easy task but I had no choice but to adapt. These characteristics that I have developed have taken me a long way, in fact, I joined a program called Shadow Buddies. It is an organization where volunteers assist special needs children through games and activities. I chose martial arts and sports since I have always had a tendency for all athletics. While other volunteers were flustered by the behavior of the children, I found it to be a breeze.

As I matured, i began teaching my brother how to do certain tasks that I took for granted. When I had finally taught Mervin how to buckle his seat belt, I could not stop myself from bragging to my parents. While my parents feared sudden outbursts of anger, I remained consistent and refused to cease even when Mervin became physical. Likewise, I have used my ability to stay consistent in my academics, especially mathematics. I was inducted into the Mathematics Honors Society at the start of senior year. Also, I attained a summer job at a doctor's office where I organized medical records. The work was tedious and repetitive but I had gained the necessary traits to succeed from my teaching brother.

Rutger's is a community where I believe independence, patience and perseverance thrive. In such a diverse community patience and tolerance are vital in order to learn and understand different cultures. Without independence, I would be lethargic and wait for others to make decisions for me. Instead, I can immerse myself in the many intramurals, clubs and social experiences that Rutger's has to offer. Rutger's challenging academic courses will require motivation and persistence throughout the semester to reap the benefits. All these years, I thought Mervin was learning from me, but in fact his impact has prepared me for success.

3392 characters
574 words

Thanks for reading

From..to:
From constantly dealing with sudden tantrums to always trying to discern what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents...

This could work for any of any of those prompts, even the diversity prompt. You can write about how your brother helped you to learn to be responsive to diverse needs. You could also choose three words to write about in a new intro paragraph for this. It can work for any of the questions, but you need to modify it.

Respond to the prompt in the intro and conclusion paragraphs, and the essay will be "framed" within the correct topic.

Si, lo que dijo! yes, what he said!
But how did you count the number of characters??? I really do not know.

Copy and paste the thing into microsoft word, if you have it... or you can use some other word ptroc. program. Usually there is a function ("tools") that enables you to select "word count."

EF_Kevin
HI1 I do have word count, but I don't have character count. In the original request there was a mention of the essay having to be no more than 3600 characters including spaces, the original plea has been altered...either that or I am going crazy. Oh, well, no matter. :)

Ah ha! Found it! "Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces."

So how do you count characters?

Well, I have microsoft ofice 2003, and when I highlight a few paragraphs, I am able to find out how many words, characters, and so forth are there, by clicking "tools" and then "word count." And it does not just count the words. It tells you how many characters with spacaes, and how many without.

Maybe your program is different, though....oh! Look what I found for you! My thank you gift for all the people you help here: allworldphone.com/count-words-characters.htm

Cool, Thanks! :)