Common App Essay, Option #2 - Socialism/Capitalism

"Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you."
I've written two paragraphs for it thus far, and I'm just wondering if I'm on the right track so far. I have found it extremely difficult to come up with anything to write about, for any of the prompts, so I hope this is at least decent.

I hate capitalism. I really, really do. In fact, as socially unacceptable as it is to say this, I completely prefer socialism to it. Oh my God, right? If you, my college essay reader, are anything like the vast majority of Americans, the word "socialism" probably strikes fear into your heart and fills your mind with images of dirty Soviets or even dirtier hippies, but I can assure you that I am neither of these things. To be honest, I feel hesitant to even call myself a socialist. I don't plan on voting for any third-party socialist candidates once I turn eighteen, I don't go to anti-capitalism protests (although I probably would if I could handle crowds), and I haven't read The Communist Manifesto. I guess you could call me a casual fan of socialism. I believe that our current capitalist economic system is inherently unfair, and while it thankfully has not particularly affected me personally, I have, all throughout my life, seen it affect many of the people around me.
After attending preschool and prekindergarten with children whose families were about the same, socioeconomically, as my own, I was very confused when I began elementary school and was exposed to poverty for the first time. To be frank, the vast majority of students in my elementary school were poor. Like, really poor. Most of their parents were non-English speakers who worked difficult, low-paying jobs for long hours. Some of them weren't even able to make enough money to pay the rent for the small apartments (located within walking distance of the school, of course, because none of them could afford cars) in which they lived, so they had to live with other family members. Some of them had as many as eight or nine people, living in small, three room apartments. When I finally became old enough to comprehend why they lived in such meager housing and always wore hand-me-downs and never brought their own lunch, it did not seem fair to me that my father had an easier job with shorter hours, but still made more money than both of their parents combined. And you know what? It still doesn't.

I'm planning on writing the next paragraph about my grandmother, who lives in a town that was taken over by a Walmart, and the one after that about a few of my cousins who are relevant to this in a variety of ways, that I don't really want to write out right now because I'm really tired. I'm hoping that what I've written thus far constitutes me showing my subject's "importance to [me]", because that is usually where I struggle, but if I'm doing it wrong, please, please, please tell me what I can do to correct it. Thank you very much.

I am sorry, but I am wodering what the topic you talk about. The concerns shold be a certain social problem or other.So, I suggest you to write this essay again.

zelong430
What are you talking about? The problem that I am talking about is capitalism. Did you even read what I wrote?

Hmmm, your topic is certainly intriguing. I'm not sure I can fairly judge your essay so far, but I look forward to reading the rest. I'd suggest you make your tone a bit more formal. Example: "Like, really poor." Is not a complete sentence and is rather colloquial. Sure it's a personal essay, but you don't want it to be like a casual conversation with a friend. Also, "And you know what? It still doesn't."

I'm not an expert on socialism or capitalism, so don't take my next suggestion too seriously. So far your POV seems a bit naive, as you completely reject capitalism. I'm not sure what kind of impression it gives people when you call yourself a "casual fan of socialism." Anyway, if you do use this topic, perhaps you can give some examples of things you've done to help correc the problem, as you see it?

Thank you, mmmargarita. I was wondering if I might have made it too informal. I tend to do that sometimes.
I can understand why you would think my writing is a bit naive, but what would you suggest I do to fix that? I kind of do completely reject capitalism. Should I explain why in the essay? I didn't, because it didn't exactly seem completely relevant to what I thought was the most important part of the prompt, the issue's importance to myself.
I haven't really done anything to help correct the problem, because the problem exists on such a large scale that there's not really anything a seventeen-year-old can do to correct it. As I mentioned in the essay, I could join in anti-capitalist protests, and, as I live near Washington DC, these are not exactly uncommon, but I am mildly agoraphobic, and do not function well in crowds. :/

very nice :)

Well, thank you, I think, BrianaW, but I'm not sure if I should take your comment into account, because you seemingly got [Suspended] for posting it.

Also, could anyone else please comment on my essay? I'm kind of afraid to continue writing it, because I don't know for sure if I'm doing it well, or at least correctly.

Can anyone please give me some validation? Are these first two paragraphs acceptable?

Like margarita mentioned before, you need to explore deeper into the whole socialism/capitalism debate. You need to go read some texts on why socialism is bad and capitalism is good and come up with new ways of countering. When I read this, I have the feeling that you don't know enough on this subject to write about it. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood and all that jazz. Perhaps you need to finish the essay before we can accurately judge it. Hope I helped.