Common App Essay Help.. Greatest Influence (my dad)

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence(250 words or more)

The day my dad graduated from the State Police academy, overcoming the adversity of being older than most and living away from home for so long, I realized how much of an amazing person he is. The strength that he displayed going through the months of training and the weeks away from his family really gave me a perspective on the type of man that I wanted to become.
My dad has been there for my whole life and has let me grow and become my own person. He has always taught me to take priority in life and make sure I don't lose sight of them, and therefore my dad has become something more than just a dad but a teacher and a hero.
The way me and my Dad connect is something that I value very highly and without him I wouldn't be half the man I am today. Just by living his life and the way he goes about caring for his family and working long hours for us he has taught me lessons and values without even knowing it. Of course there are the times we argue and fight like a normal father and son but I cannot stress how much he has meant to me.
I wish I could let him know how much he has influenced me in my life but it is hard to put that sort of stuff into words. He has affected me in so many ways, many in which I have not thanked him for. But he is that hero, teacher and father and for that he is my greatest influence.

Just asking for any advice for changes

Hi, You're dad sounds like a wonderful person!

For your essay, I think a few specific examples would help it. Like when you say, you taught you lessons and values, maybe you could focus on one important lesson or value?

A lot of essays aren't very passionate, but from this, I can tell that you really do admire your dad.

Do you mind looking over mine?
http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/c ommon-app-activity-science-team-9412/

just a suggestion you could make.

The day my dad graduated from the State Police academy, overcoming the adversity of being older than most and living away from home for so long, I realized how much of an amazing person he is. The strength that he displayed going through the months of training and the weeks away from his family really gave me a perspective on the type of man that I wanted to become.

I realized how much amazing my dad was the day he graduated from the State Police academy.
The strength that he displayed overcoming adversities such as going through months of training and living away from his family really gave me a perspective on the type of man that I wanted to become.

The way me and my Dad connect is

The way my dad and I connect is

put that sort of stuff into words.

That is too colloquial. watch out for those. Also, the point of this short essay is to describe what kind of influence he has had on you, so you may want to focus more on that instead of using all your word limits on describing your dad. Remember they are going to accept you by finding out who you are not who your dad is :)

good luck