Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Lockheed Martin's "Gateway to Space" provided a sight of slate grey buildings that were characterized by their lack of windows punctured the clear skyline. The external appearances - steel gates, barbed wire, and security guards- suggested an austere work culture. Contrary to my first impression, the environment of my co-workers and managers fostered a cordial and educational culture that left a mark on my internship experiences.
The community of employees across the campus embraced me as an apprentice and peer. As a part of the Green Information Technology team, I took the initiative to shape a future free of pollution and energy waste by launching and promoting the use of devices that reduced carbon emissions and increased energy conservation in hundreds of computer servers. Now, the gateway serves as a reminder that my rigorous projects at Lockheed Martin introduced me to the skills, procedures, and attitudes necessary for success.

i'm kinda confused on the first sentence... maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem to make sense.

other than that, this is pretty well written. however, i think you should expand more on what you did at the internship and cut off some parts in the beginning about the description

hope this helps =)

Is this better? Now the last sentence just sounds weird.


Lockheed Martin's "Gateway to Space" provided a sight of slate grey buildings- characterized by their lack of windows- puncturing into the clear skyline.
Contrary the austere appearance, the community of employees across the campus embraced me as an apprentice and peer. As a part of the Green Information Technology team, I took the initiative to shape a future free of pollution and energy waste by launching and promoting the use of devices that reduced carbon emissions and increased energy conservation in hundreds of computer servers. I devoted my time to meticulously exploring the intricacies of the laboratories in order to optimize its design and function; now, I remember the blueprint of the server labs as clearly as I remember the structure of the "Gateway to Space" which serves as a reminder that my rigorous projects at Lockheed Martin introduced me to the skills, procedures, and attitudes necessary for success.

This just sounds kind of weird. I think I know what you're saying--that appearances are deceiving--but maybe you ought to just say that.

I'd still, too, be interested in knowing exactly what you did there. It sounds interesting, but I'm sure you did more than explore.