Common App: elaborate on 1 of your activities (choir of Crescent Girls)

Elaborate on 1 of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150)

My last few sentences were not fluent, cos I am weak at expression. Please help me to refine my essay;)

I was in choir of Crescent Girls' School during Grade 9 and 10. I participated in it initially due to my zest and talent in singing. I was in Soprano One which required me to practice the highest notes and sing louder than other sections. Surprised, I also needed to learn other sections' parts so that we would be synchronized. As a result, I always lost my voice after a practice. The training was really time consuming which occupied me nine hours a week. Although I needed to balance my stressful school work and extracurricular activities, I never considered quitting, as each individual was essential to choir, and carried the responsibility to maintain every song's completeness. Choir not only provided me the opportunity to earn awards and applauses but also taught me the importance of coordination; knowing and capable of suiting other people's part with mine is essential when working as a team.

I think you'd better add an example in one sentence to let the readers feel how you learn about the importance of coordination, not just tell them you do:)

I was in choir of Crescent Girls' School during grades 9 and 10. I participated in it initially due to my zest and talent for singing. I was in Soprano One which required me to practice the highest notes and sing louder than other sections. Surprised, I also needed to learn other sections' parts so that we would be synchronized. As a result, I always lost my voice after each practice. The training was really time consuming and occupied me nine hours a week. Although I needed to balance my stressful school work and extracurricular activities, I never considered quitting, as each individual was essential to choir, and carried the responsibility to maintain every song's completeness. Choir not only provided me the opportunity to earn awards and applauses, but also taught me the importance of coordination; knowing how to harmonize other people's contributions with my own is essential when working as a team.

Good luck! Also, I agree with the advice from charliesun!