Common App. "Buchenwald, a Story" *concentration camp in WWII

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Our guide warned us ...

SEE BELOW

Please be constructive! Any help is greatly appreciated!! The blanks are simply factual information I will fill in once I confirm its accuracy with my notebook/diary. Thanks in advance!!!

This topic ran out of gas 10 exits back. Are you applying to a "Jewish" college/institution?

That's the only circumstance I can envision where this essay isn't a complete disaster.
Look up the word "hyperbolic", "cliche", "indolent", "facile", "obsolete", "obsequious" and the last -- "somnolence" -- inspired by my current state after gleaming the contents of your essay.

I have legitimate insomnia so I'll bookmark this page as adjunct treatment.

Thanks for the not so constructive criticism.
Anyone that wants to actually help? Thanks!

Sorry, I have to agree with Mustafa. It was difficult to make it to the end of some sentences due to the excess of adjectives thrown in. A teacher once told me to make my essay about the nouns and verbs; too many adjectives will throw off the rhythm of the essay and make it more difficult on the reader. For example,

Horrifying sounds of heart wrenching cries of pain, the atrocious smell of blood and fear, the taste of bile and coppery blood, and the gruesome touch of dogs' teeth, beating blows, and flailing limbs assaulted my mind.

could be shortened to

Heart wrenching cries of pain, the smell of blood and fear, the taste of bile and coppery blood, the touch of dogs' teeth, beating blows, and flailing limbs assaulted my mind. The chocie of your nouns already speak for themselves. Most people would already regard blood as atrocious, the touch of dog's teeth as gruesome, etc. You just need to tighten up the sentences a bit.

Statements like "My faith in humanity was not shaken, it was completely eradicated" and "Hearing this story restored my belief in myself and the immeasurable and awe-inspiring willpower and immeasurable goodness of humanity" come off as cliche and a bit naive. The experience you chose to write about is not uncommon, so you need to spin it in a more unique light - something more specific than the fact that it restored your faith in humanity. At the very least, elaborate more on your last paragraph. I'm sure the admissions officers are highly educated and have heard many stores of the concentration camps; what they want to hear is how it affected you.

Anyway, you seem like a good writer and your essay has potential, so don't be discouraged. Focus on getting your ideas across in a more succinct manner, and expand upon the conlcusion.

Thanks mmmaragita!
Now I see where Mustafa was coming from, it was just annoying that he didn't cite or mention specifics, unlike you did. This is the exact type of criticism I was looking for! I know this story itself has merit, but writing stories and translating my thoughts to paper are hard for me, probably because it's a first come to think of it.
Again thanks, I'm currently taking all your suggestions into consideration. I did go overboard with the adjectives, I guess I need to show, rather than tell. Believe me, touring a concentration really is an unique and very personal experience for everyone. I've taken German for 6-7 years now and I've learned so much German history about WWII, before, after, and during, but nothing measures up to actually standing in a torture room, in front of a oven for cremation...
And yet again, infinite thank yous!

No problem! You should definitely mention this "I've taken German for 6-7 years now and I've learned so much German history about WWII, before, after, and during, but nothing measures up to actually standing in a torture room, in front of a oven for cremation..." That is the part that will set your experience apart from others'.

Wow! I just sunk in that this essay doesn't have a word limit! My trip to Germany with GAPP (German American Partnership Program) was so wonderfully amazing! And then there was staying with my host family in the Halle an der Saale, a city in former Eastern Germany. Now I'm excited to start re-writing and editing it! Thanks a bunch!!

Oct 25, 09, 12:25pm - Attached on merging:
Common App. Revised "Buchenwald, a Story" *significant experience

I heavily revised this essay thanks to a lot of readers constructive criticism. It's still not perfect and I would greatly enjoy more constructive criticism. Hopefully you'll benefit by reading this too! Thanks and I will take all your advice into consideration!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

It all started with one naive decision at the end of sixth grade. "Spanish? Yawn. How boring. Everyone's taking it here in CA. French? I heard they use to run around naked! Definitely no. What's left? Ah! German it is!" Since the seventh grade, I've studied German as my foreign language and this commitment has had a tremendous positive impact on my growth as a thinker, dreamer, and "Mensch" meaning human or person.
In school, Germany's key role in World War II led to countless discussions in various classes on topics ranging from the Nazi period to the divided post-war Germany. For example in eight grade, I did a project on the Holocaust. In 10th grade, I covered the topic again in AP World History. And in 11th grade, I studied the topic extensively in AP German, which focused on German history. Yet it was never real to me as an individual, never anything more than meaningless statistics, locations, dates, and names. But in one day, Buchenwald killed my apathy.
Our guide warned us the painting would be graphic and horrifying. Regardless, the relentless flood of emotions and thoughts overwhelmed me. I could do little more than gape as my imagination filled in the missing elements, evoked only by art that somehow speaks to our universal humanity. Heart wrenching cries of pain, the stench of blood and fear, the taste of bile and coppery blood, and the touch of dogs' teeth, beating blows, and flailing limbs assaulted my mind. Our guide spoke gently, understanding what our group was experiencing, and asked, "What does this painting reveal?"
Whenever a new shipment of prisoners arrived at Buchenwald, a concentration camp near Weimar, Germany, the SS guards had a revolting welcoming tradition to greet the new inmates. Already bone-weary prisoners had to traverse a hellish road known as the "Carachoweg", which literally means double time path. From their very first moments at Buchenwald, the prisoners experienced hell on earth as they were forced to run through a road with fiendish dogs at their heels while concurrently suffering verbal and physical abuse from the SS guards. This story was my introduction to the Buchenwald.
Our guide then continued leading us through the camp. He was a fascinating and masterful storyteller, weaving a story with the delicate human element and not merely reciting standalone meaningless facts. Our little group hung on to every word he uttered because we understood, on an instinctual level, the severity and importance of the story he was weaving. Time was insignificant and history, all the more significant for it.
Before entering the actual camp's main camp, our guide told us one more story. He began solemnly, "Though there are many, many stories that I wish to share, there is only time for one." And so he wove yet another epic tale narrating the story of a priest, imprisoned as a political enemy, named Joe Schneider. Despite inhumane torture, he prayed loudly morning after morning from his cell hoping his words would be heard and heeded by the marching Nazi soldiers on the adjacent assembly ground. Joe Schneider, in other words, prayed for the souls of his jailors and torturers. His action clearly demonstrated the magnanimity of his soul and also reflected the depth of goodness that humanity can aspire to. Despite his horrendous suffering, he had such an unwavering belief in the humanity of his torturers that his prayers could not be silenced and eventually, the Nazi guards were forced to to murder him as he would not succumb to torture.
Somehow, Joe Schneider could see the Nazi guards as fellow humans, suffering and needing his prayers. This curious thought reminded me of our guide's suggestion that the tradition of the "Carachoweg" was not so much an expression of human evil, but the lengths humans would go to preserve their humanity. He hinted that the Nazi guards could only accept their actions and retain their humanity if they established from the very beginning that the inmates were sub-human. I asked myself why the Nazi guards had to distant themselves from the prisoners in order to retain a shred of humanity and came to the conclusion that if they knew, intimately, the story of even one prisoner, the strain upon there soul would be unbearable. But by coming to this conclusion, I also saw the awe-inspiring power of stories. Stories bring a human element and speak to our very souls. They create empathy, foster open-mindeness, encourage understanding, and unify humanity.
The narrative of Buchenwald took me on a journey from my blissful apathetic life on earth to the deepest of hell, ending with a glimpse of heaven. Buchenwald liberated me from my apathy and impressed upon me a global mindset and outlook. My trip to Buchenwald affirmed my blossoming interest in the humanities and social sciences. Storytelling is an art that I am now compelled to explore. My inquisitive nature has nurtured my love for stories since I was a child, but Buchenwald demonstrated the importance of also sharing storings. Ultimately, I would not only hear and record stories, but also enable others to share their stories as well.

"and eventually, the Nazi guards were forced to to murder him as he would not succumb to torture."

He would not even succumb to torture, and eventually, the Nazi guards were forced to murder him.

"but also enable others to share their stories as well." <-- "also" and "as well" is redundant; delete one of them.

Buchenwald liberated me from my apathy and impressed upon me a global mindset and outlook.
^ restate what that "outlook" and "mindset" is.

so, aside from a few other grammar mistakes, your essay is well written. however, you have to ask yourself, "what is the main message I am trying to convey in this essay?"
in the beginning of the essay, you talk about how german history was "meaningless" until you took AP German, but at the end, you say: "My trip to Buchenwald affirmed my blossoming interest in the humanities and social sciences. Storytelling is an art that I am now compelled to explore."
so did you write this essay to tell the reader how you "affirmed your interest in humanities.." and realize the "art of storytelling"? because, you didn't have to write a story about Buchenwald in order to convey that.

you have to clearly state the point of your essay. what did you want the reader to get out of it? and more importantly, what did you get out of the experience?

Hmm. First, thanks for taking the time to look over my essay.

So I'm trying to say that until I went to Buchenwald and heard the personal stories that added a human element only found when you hear these personal stories did I lose my apathy and the scholarly distance from the Holocaust. Does that make senses. I mean you learn history in a school and it's something unmemorable and because of the way textbooks are written, you are distanced and apart and you have the feeling that it's not applicable to your life, not a narrative or a story. And it is hearing these unique little stories that add up to something greater than the parts, a narrative that leads to understanding, that compel people by tugging at us at an instinctual level. Do you think that my essay doesn't reflect the above well enough? And if yes, could you please offer some suggestions?

What I got of this experience is that I realized that I wasn't the math and science Asian that my parents wanted me to be. I realized that I was becoming or maybe I have been but never realized a humanities/social sciences guy... Oh wow, you have no idea how much you've helped! Does this clear things up and show what I got out of it?

Fun fact that I'm planning on adding at the end. Geschichte is the German word for history and story. In many languages, history and story are the one and the same, indistinguishable. History is, in my honest opinion, a wayward attempt to make the story of history objective. But the irony is that history is one long story, and stories are never subjective. By making the story of history into the objective history we teach in school, students will never experience an integral part of the story of history.
Does this clarify and add to my essay? Thanks for your time yet again. It's greatly appreciated!!

Just because you dont have a word limit does not mean you should throw in as many words as you can. I read your original essay and when I simply looked at your revised essay, I felt like a wall of text was bombarding me. I will take the time to read it later, but understand that college admissions officers do not enjoy long essays - they look for short and concise essays where every sentence is crucial to the essay and to reveal who the writer is. You should be very picky with the sentences you use because its not about quantity, its about quality.

My post was a bit too enthusiastic that was because I just finished tweaking the short response section and boy was it a pain to get the right of words... But thanks for your warning, hopefully when you actually read it you can see that I'm not trying to through everything in haphazardly. I'm actually usually a minimalist. If you find that I'm being too wordy or imprecise, please give me advice on how to improve it! Thanks!!

It all started with one naive decision at the end of sixth grade. "Spanish? Yawn. How boring. Everyone's taking it here in CA. French? I heard they use to run around naked! Definitely no. What's left? Ah! German it is!" Since the seventh grade, I've studied German as my foreign language and this commitment has had a tremendous for tremendous i would use 'tremendously' but i'm not sure.. positive impact on my growth as a thinker, dreamer, and "Mensch" meaning human or person.
In school, Germany's key role in World War II led to countless discussions in various classes on topics ranging from the Nazi period to the divided post-war Germany. For example in eight grade, I did a project on the Holocaust. In 10th grade, I covered the topic again in AP World History. And in 11th grade, I studied the topic extensively in AP German, which focused on German history. Yet it was never real to me as an individual, never anything more than meaningless i don't want to be rude....but you sound so jerk-ish when you say 'never anything more than meaningless?' it might offend the reader....what if they had relatives who were in the camps? be more tactful in your word usage..seriously :/ like try : yet I couldn't empathize with all the stats..loc..dates' just a suggestion. statistics, locations, dates, and names. But in one day, Buchenwald killed my apathy. once again...i don't know if apathy is such a great word. it was such a horrific event in history, can anyone just be apathetic?
Our guide warned us the painting would be graphic and horrifying. Regardless, the relentless flood of emotions and thoughts overwhelmed me. I could do little more than gape as my imagination filled in the missing elements, evoked only by art that somehow speaks to our universal humanity. *** NICE SENTENCE :) ***** Heart wrenching cries of pain, the stench of blood and fear, the taste of bile and coppery blood, and the touch of dogs' teeth, beating blows, and flailing limbs assaulted my mind. Our guide spoke gently, understanding what our group was experiencing, and asked, "What does this painting reveal?"
Whenever a new shipment of prisoners arrived at Buchenwald, a concentration camp near Weimar, Germany, the SS guards had a revolting welcoming tradition to greet the new inmates. Already bone-weary prisoners had to traverse a hellish road known as the "Carachoweg", which literally means double time path. From their very first moments at Buchenwald, the prisoners experienced hell on earth as they were forced to run through a road with fiendish dogs at their heels while concurrently suffering verbal and physical abuse from the SS guards. This story was my introduction to the Buchenwald.
Our guide then continued leading us through the camp. He was a fascinating and masterful storyteller, weaving a story with the delicate human element and not merely reciting standalone meaningless facts.(try taking out fascinating and masterful replace with 1 physical trait & 1 adjective like masterful storyteller..i can't be there with you unless you show me what you saw. Our little group hung on to every word he uttered said (it was getting realllyyyyyy wordy) because we understood, on an instinctual level, the severity and importance of the story he was weaving. Time was insignificant and history, all the more significant for it. (this sentence is pretty confusing....it seems like you have a good idea of what you want to say...it's deep I assume, but without proper wording you may come off as silly)

Before entering the actual camp's main camp, our guide told us one more story. He began solemnly, "Though there are many, many stories that I wish to share, there is only time for one." And so he wove yet another epic tale narrating the story of a priest, imprisoned as a political enemy, named Joe Schneider. Despite inhumane torture, he prayed loudly morning after morning from his cell hoping his words would be heard and heeded by the marching Nazi soldiers on the adjacent assembly ground. Joe Schneider, in other words, prayed for the souls of his jailors and torturers. His action clearly demonstrated the magnanimity of his soul and also reflected the depth of goodness that humanity can aspire to. Despite his horrendous suffering, he had such an unwavering belief in the humanity of his torturers that his prayers could not be silenced and eventually, the Nazi guards were forced to to murder him as he would not succumb to torture.
Somehow, Joe Schneider could see the Nazi guards as fellow humans, suffering and needing his prayers. This curious thought reminded me of our guide's suggestion that the tradition of the "Carachoweg" was not so much an expression of human evil, but the lengths humans would go to preserve their humanity. He hinted that the Nazi guards could only accept their actions and retain their humanity if they established from the very beginning that the inmates were sub-human. I asked myself why the Nazi guards had to distant themselves from the prisoners in order to retain a shred of humanity and came to the conclusion that if they knew, intimately, the story of even one prisoner, the strain upon there soul would be unbearable italicize inner thoughts :) . But by coming to this conclusion, I also saw the awe-inspiring power of stories. Stories bring a human element and speak to our very souls. They create empathy, foster open-mindeness, encourage understanding, and unify humanity.
The narrative of Buchenwald took me on a journey from my blissful apathetic life on earth to the deepest of hell, ending with a glimpse of heaven. Buchenwald liberated me from my apathy and impressed upon me a global mindset and outlook. My trip to Buchenwald affirmed my blossoming interest in the humanities and social sciences. Storytelling is an art that I am now compelled to explore. My inquisitive nature has nurtured my love for stories since I was a child, but Buchenwald demonstrated the importance of also sharing storings. Ultimately, I would not only hear and record stories, but also enable others to share their stories as well.



how will you become a storyteller? is there a major for that? try to mention that......tie it all in together. that will ensure a more coherent essay. overall i really felt from the essay you gained so much empathy for the situation, and also maturity as a person. just make sure you try to let the reader know you cared but couldn't really relate the holocaust to you before going to the camps.





P.s. thanks for the revise. I am going to post up the BU supplement.....return the favor.

so the main point you're trying to get across with this essay is that stories are more compelling and beneficial than...textbooks?
because if that's the point you're trying to convey, then I think you did it really well.
it's just that when someone writes an essay about the holocaust, you usually expect it to be about a lesson he/she learned, like not to take things for granted...and so on.
but the fact that your essay is about stories actually makes it more unique, so great job!

btw, thanks for the input on my post! =)