Being located in the city of New York, Columbia University stands out for its vast diversity among the campus.
(Its students are in such a global community that many ideas are probably engineered and influenced by many different cultures.)
I'm not entirely sure what you were trying to say with the original sentence. If I modified it to the point where your original idea was lost, then do not take my sentence and explain what you were trying to convey.
In today's society, working as a team is one of most crucial skills we need to succeed; Columbia's environment provides an opportunity to gain such skill naturally. I want to attend a university where I can immerse myself in various cultures, learn from them, and use that to become a better well− rounded individual.
End Result:
Being located in the city of New York, Columbia University stands out for its vast diversity
among the campus.
Its students are in such a global community that many ideas are probably engineered and influenced by many different cultures. In today's society, working as a team is one of most crucial skills we need to succeed; Columbia provides an opportunity to gain such skill naturally. I want to attend a university where I can immerse
myself in various cultures, learn from them, and use that to become a better well− rounded individual.Btw, your original essay was great; I just added words to tie the essay's main idea together. (With the exception of that one sentence I didn't understand)
____________________________________________________________ ______________
Among all majors,
I believe engineering helps to enhance our lives tremendously. Take a look around; everything we use is made by engineers: tables, lights, chairs, beds, even the houses
(I added an "S" because I'm assuming you don't live with the guy reading this lol) we live in. I want to spend my life learning the complex ways in which objects work and challenging my creativity to engineer better products.
(The word "things" sucks in my opinion. Try to avoid it when writing essays, you can always be more specific.) The engineers are required to solve
the problems in many different situations, developing the flexibility to adapt to where they are, and contrive the innovations. Those are the skills I want to gain in order to make the world a better place.
(It's more than one skill. So i changed it for plurality)End Result:
Among all majors, engineering helps to enhance our lives tremendously. Take a look around; everything we use is made by engineers: tables, lights, chairs, beds, and even the houses we live in. I want to spend my life learning the complex ways in which objects work and challenging my creativity to engineer better products.
Engineers are required to solve problems in many different situations. Thus, they need to develop the flexibility to adapt to where they are and contrive innovations. These are the skills I want to gain in order to make the world a better place.THE PART I BOLDED... try to develop your idea more in the last few sentences. I'm also a prospective engineering student. I think the situation doesn't matter much, for example your sentence could be telling the reader "Engineers need to learn how to work when its cold outside and when its raining, so they need the flexiblility to work in different areas." I think the idea you are trying to convey is "Engineers have to learn to deal with many different problems and learn to be flexible with their creativity."
I think the latter idea will develop your essay better, try again on the last few sentences.
Ivan Collado
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