Why Columbia? (the amazing research facilities)

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:

I became interested in Columbia when I was emailed about the amazing research facilities. As I continued on the body of the email, I became aware of the strong bonds that form between students and professors at Columbia. These two things are what I am most interested in a university. Advancements in technology are constantly being made due to the immense amount of research being done. I have succeeded in high school due to self-motivation and support from my parents and teachers. At Columbia, I know I can succeed because of similar support.

How does that sound?

Advancements in technology are constantly being made due to the immense amount of research being done. I have succeeded in high school due to self-motivation and support from my parents and teachers.

this middle bit i think detracts your arguments a little from the rest. and the ending is a bit weak because of that. Refer more directly to Columbia if you can.

that was a great idea..but make it more directly to columbia~

i think the best way to go about answering this question is to be straight forward.
mention what make Columbia stand out to you and the explain why. by as specific as possible.
and the beginning seems to be broken apart and a bit confusing. you say "these two things" but it isn't too clear what you are referring to. I had to look back and connect it. You don't want the admissions officer to be confused.

I became interested in Columbia when I was emailed about the amazing research facilities. As I continued on the body of the email, I became aware of the strong bonds that form between students and professors at Columbia. These two things are what I am most interested in a university. Advancements in technology are constantly being made due to the immense amount of research being done. I have succeeded in high school due to self-motivation and support from my parents and teachers. At Columbia, I know I can succeed because of similar support.

Oh!! Okay, for this, you need to show that as a result of the email you researched the school and talked to more people. Don't let the reader think you chose the school based on a single email advertisement. :)

Great, thanks everyone!