Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success)

When I had to make a decision about what step I would be taking next to better my life, the University of Central Florida was at the top of my list.

If I am granted the opportunity to attend UCF, all of the numbers in the world could not add up to what it would be worth to me. Some of the best things that I've came across in my life are priceless. Amongst having a close family, close friends and finding true love, the benefit of getting a quality education is something that is very important to me. It cannot be sold to or brought from me. Yet, it is one of the biggest investments that I will make in my lifetime.
Fifty years from now when I am sitting in my rocking chair, thinking about my past accomplishments, I want to be able to reminisce about the valuable decisions I have made in my life. It would make me happy to yobe a part of the history of a university that has climbed up the ladder of success from the start.

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to UCF. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms. It is a place that wants to see me fulfill my goals.

have read that over 70% of the staff at UCF has doctorate degrees. Getting accepted to UCF is not only about getting into a top university, but to me it means being accepted into a family of people who will guide me on my journey to success. It also means that I will be surrounded by positive role models who will be my constant reminders of the reward you get from being persistent.

I don't see what is wrong with the second paragraph.

^None of this is relevant as to why you are choosing to apply UCF. You are just unnecessarily lauding the University, but you are not giving any reasons why you think UCF is great. This makes it sound, as if you yourself do not really know what UCF has to offe

I'm implying that it would be a great memory to look back on.

Also in the last paragraph, I am trying to imply that since a majority of the staff has doctorate degrees, they are equipped to show me what it takes to accomplish your goals.

Maybe you should tone down your ctriticism.

what I can do to improve it? and any other advice you have.

I don't know you so nothing you say could make me cry,

I mean by toning down is try being less sarcastic and more suggestive

I don't see what is wrong with the second paragraph.

To my understanding, the personal statement is about the individual who is writing it and what being accepted to the school will have on there life.

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed. redundant Something that UCF and I have in common is that we realize that people's lives lead them down different paths, but it doesn't mean that some people should not be treated with an acceptable level of respect and equal opportunities.
Growing up with my elderly, sick grandparents, I have made many visits to hospitals, nursing homes and other facilities where people depend on someone to make them feel comfortable and at ease. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with the service that the staff at many of the facilities provided. My grandfather was a blind man and when I would visit him his food would be sitting at the end of his bed untouched. It seemed that no one on the staff cared enough to put their time into helping him. I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?" This is a little arrogant. You may question the organization of the facility but not its employees. Employees are human beings. You cannot assume that they are consciously ignoring your grandfather because they are lazy. They obviously delivered his food. This is when I discovered that I wanted to be a health services administrator. I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be. I don't understand what you mean by "no matter what their situation may be" but if your employee's child dies in a car crash I wouldn't expect them to be gentle and compassionate the next day. Would you fire them in that case? I believe it is important that the staff as well as the patients are happy and I would execute a plan that does both.

You will learn to appreciate Liebe. Hopefully. It helps to imagine him as a type of advanced spell check machine. This way you won't get mad at him like you would a human being

I do not sense your compassionate qualities in this essay. I would think that someone who is critical of others should first check themselves. It sounds like you want to be an administrator because you want to hire nice people. I see a problem with this. Also, I see no connection between your introduction and the rest of your essay.

I meant no matter what the patient's situation may be.

However we have to remember that although people post their essays up for our critisism, they also secretly want us to point out the quality aspects of their writing as well. There's nothing better than an unbias and random person complementing your writing.

You will learn to appreciate Liebe. Hopefully. It helps to imagine him as a type of advanced spell check machine. This way you won't get mad at him like you would a human being.

Quite the comparison Noto. All of your points are valid. However we have to remember that although people post their essays up for our critisism, they also secretly want us to point out the quality aspects of their writing as well. There's nothing better than an unbias and random person complementing your writing. No matter how many problems there are, lets boost some self-esteem here while we're at it. It's good for the writer

Instead of handing out gold stars, admission personnel are judging and ranking candidates. I'd rather be told here that I had a horrible introduction to an essay than have that same thought go through the admission staffer's mind. It sounds like I am arguing. I am not. I agree with you. I agree with Liebe too. Without a formula, we all have different approaches. Each approach has its merits

Well Llamapoop, if it is a secret intention, then it will remain a secret intention. That is what secrets are for.
I think that commenting on the weaknesses of an essay, and making them very clear to the writer, should be more of a motivator to them to want to do something good and improve their essay, rather than a 'Good job. You wrote a fantastic essay'. By saying that 'Good job etc', the writer can easily get disillusioned to the point that he/she may think it is good, when in reality, it sucks. That is why criticism is so much more useful. It gets straight to the point, and the point is delivered immediately.
Strong writers will allows react positively to meaningful and valid feedback.

My contributions on this site are not limited to spell checking. Therefore, an advanced machine would be more suitable. I like the concept of advanced, and the machine suggests that I do an efficient job as well.

Llamapoop, you are very good at giving feedback. You really know your stuff and take time/care with your responses. I'd really like to see contributor next to your name.