Why Carnegie

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to.

REMOVED

I feel like I need to add some more details or info.
any suggestions?
Thank You

Just a matter of word choice here:

"Sculpt" should be changed to "finalize"----otherwise it sounds awkward.

Ultimately, I feel the urge to call CARNEGIE MELLON home----you said Columbia. That's kind of an eternal sin to write another college's name in your essay......

The rest is just teeny grammatical errors.

The actual content is fine. Good luck :)

Haha thank you bhangra369
i must of been thinking about my next essay to much when i wrote Columbia.
I just changed it thanks

anyone else?

i feel like i could more material into this.
any advice?
thank you

It's a good essay overall, very descriptive. Try naming a specific college or program that especially appeals to you. Naming some of those renowned professors you mention can't hurt. But the language and word usage is solid. Gluck!

Alittle bit revised.

"After months of traveling and visiting colleges around the nation I began to finalize my own college list. It is then that I finally realized that I truly yearn to study engineering /science and to earn a degree at Carnegie Mellon. Although I am still undecided on the specifics of my degree, I know that at Carnegie Mellon, I would be in an environment where I would thrive.
As I first stepped onto the luscious green lawns of Carnegie Mellon and took a tour, I instantly fell in love with Carnegie Mellon. I feel that Carnegie Mellon is the place where I can evolve into the person and professional I aspire to be. Carnegie Mellon harbors brilliant professors and a diverse student body that I know will stimulate me to be my best. It is among the most distinguished education environments set in an urban context that provides its students with numerous opportunities. Whether through academics or engagement with peers, surrounded by endless inspiration, I know that whether I am in CSC or CIT, I will be stimulated to be my best. These very reasons have driven me to try and succeed in the ever-dynamic field of engineering or science at Carnegie Mellon.
Science has always intrigued me from the very beginning. Starting from grade school, I enjoyed doing experiments, observing cells, solving problems related with machines. My inclination to science in primary school has urged me to take advantage of the numerous opportunities in high school that revolve around science. My high school career has played an instrumental role on choosing my major. Since, I wasn't into studying medicine, I realized that engineering would be the best place to continue and develop my interest in science.

From a young age, I have been captivated by engineering. When I was young, I would always find myself spending countless hours in a quiet room, playing with Lego Bricks. Alone, I would masterly design and govern these pieces of plastic into battles scenes or metropolises petrified in time, all built to my liking. L Every day, I would always want to create something new, something unprecedented. This is where my love for engineering emerged from. In high school, I began to expand my horizons and explore the world of engineering and what it could offer. Classes such as my honors Engineering Science class have only fed my passion for engineering. Whether it was designing our own bridges or constructing our own inventions, I know that engineering is something I see myself doing.

As well as engineering and science, my personal interests are spread out into other fields such as legal studies. As result, I saw the occupation of a patent lawyer very appealing, as it combines my interests in science and legal studies into a useful and profitable profession. I hope to earn a degree and continue on to law school, a process I know that will take some time but I am prepared to face each and every challenge with dedication, perseverance and integrity. I feel that at Carnegie Mellon I will be prepared to become the professional I aspire to be. The thought of being able to be involved in the process of which vaguely-supple and soft dream of inventors become realities is purely amazing. I love people and I want to work for people and I want the people I love to be happy. I have always had a heart to serve people, people in the different countries or people in neighboring states and I believe that becoming a patent lawyer with help me collaborate the two worlds I love, science and service.

Carnegie Mellon is not only a beautiful and captivating environment but an institution with a rich history. As a second generation Korean American student, I feel that I have much to offer to the unique cultural pallet of Carnegie Mellon. Carnegie Mellon's history, student life, athletics and cultural life are unique among the prestigious schools and I, like many others appreciate this. Ultimately, I feel the urge to call Carnegie Mellon home not only because it has captured the very essence of my passion to learn but because it feels just right."


i still feel that its still alittle generic.
Thank you Yee for your input.

It was then that I finally realized that I truly yearn to study engineering /science and to earn a degree at Carnegie Mellon.

As I first stepped onto the luscious green lawns of Carnegie Mellon and took a tour, I instantly fell in love with the college.

It is among the most distinguished educational environments set in an urban context that provides its students with numerous opportunities.

Science has intrigued me from the very beginning.

Since grade school, I enjoyed doing experiments, observing cells, solving problems related to machines.

Since, I wasn't into studying medicine, I realized that engineering would be the best place to continue to develop my interest in science.

Alone, I would masterfully design and govern these pieces of plastic into battles scenes or metropolises petrified in time, all built to my liking.

Every day, I would want to create something new, something unprecedented.

I hope to earn a degree and continue on to law school, a process that I know will take some time, but I am prepared to face each and every challenge with dedication, perseverance and integrity.

I think the essay is great, and I really like the part about the Legos!
Good luck!

:)

Kevin

thank you Kevin.
i hope i get in, i just submitted my application.