"Born in Peru" - Need Help On Personal Statement Prompt #1

Born in Peru, I came to the United States when I was seven. Armed with only two words ("Hello" and "Good-Bye"), I braved the uncertainties of a complex, new environment.
In my life there have been many obstacles and challenges I had to go through. I came to America ten years ago with my parents; it was rough to leave Peru, the place I was born and raised in; but I came to America to get a better life, education, and to live the American Dream. With my family by my side I knew everything would work out somehow. I could not have made it this far without them. By having positive influences near me and the desire to pursue a better education I had the strength I needed to continue in a higher level of education.
During my short life, I have experienced many situations such as having the fear to talk in front of a crowd or present my project in front of the class. But I managed to get through it with the support of my teachers and friends.

thats all i have for the 3rd paragraph
need ideas how to finish off the 3rd paragraph
appreciate if u have any thoughts..what to add on too the 3rd paragraph

Good afternoon :)

What if you discussed your version of the American Dream? What is it you want to do with with your education? How will that get you a better life? What kinds of positive influences are your family members? How have they provided you with the strength you speak of?

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

oh ok
are those thoughts for the 3rd paragraph!?!

Yes.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

can you give a quick example if you were bout to write the 3rd paragraph

i cant think of a way to start off my 3rd paragraph....

i dont get what you mean by discussing my version of the American Dream

The American Dream means to me is be able to become successful, have a great paying job, nice automobile, and a loving family. I am going to get there by finishing college and then managing a good job that I am interested in. What I want to do with my education is being able to go to one of the best colleges in California and choose a good major that I can live with and enjoy once I'm done with college. This will help me get a better life because I will have a job that I am going to enjoy and cherish as well as being able to support my parent's for everything they have went through just to help me out.


how does this sound for the 3rd paragraph
need help thxs.

Good afternoon :)

What if you put in something like this:

Born in Peru, I came to the United States when I was seven. Armed with only two words ("Hello" and "Good-Bye"), I braved the uncertainties of a complex, new environment.
In my life there have been many obstacles and challenges I had to go through. I came to America ten years ago with my parents; it was rough to leave Peru, the place I was born and raised in; but I came to America to get a better life, education, and to live the American Dream, which to me is to me is be able to become successful, have a great paying job, a nice automobile, and a loving family. I am going to get there by finishing college and then obtaining a good job that I am interested in and that challenges me. What I want to do with my education is be able to go to one of the best colleges in California and choose a good major that I can live with and enjoy once I am done with college. This will help me get a better life because I will have a job that I am going to enjoy and cherish as well as being able to support my parents in return for everything that they have went through just to make sure I am successful. With my family by my side I know everything will work out somehow. I could not have made it this far without them. By having positive influences near me and the desire to pursue a better education I had the strength I needed to continue in a higher level of education.
During my short life, I have experienced many situations such as having the fear to talk in front of a crowd or present my project in front of the class; I managed to get through it with the support of my teachers and friends.

Now, to attach onto your last sentence, you can (in one or two short sentences) describe a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time. Then we'll build from there.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

how bout this thought fer a 3rd paragraph

Seventeen years of my life thus far, I have often experienced occasions where I needed to speak publically. To be honest, I am still simply terrified to make a presentation in front of a class yet alone speak in front of a large crowd. However, I have learned to go about my public speaking phobia with the guidance and support of my friends, family, and teachers.

Very nice!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thanks
i was thinking like to add a little bit of detail bout my fear of public speaking but i dont know how i would address that into the essay

how does this sound regarding to this question
i was only suppose to write one or two sentence describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time.

but instead i turned it into a paragraph
plz help revising and shortening the paragraph
gladly appreacitated

There was a day in my Geography class where we were doing a section about Africa and Mrs. Jorden told us that we would be learning how to play the type of African drums they used in there music. The next day Mrs. Jorden passed out different types of African drums to every two people in a group as well as handed us notes how to play that music. I was messing around with the drums free playing while Mrs. Jorden was handing out the papers to everyone else in the classroom and all of a sudden the class was quite while everyone was staring at me then as I looked around everyone was quite listening to me free playing on the African drum. I started looking around as if I was not embarrassed but I could not prevent that as much I thought I was just afraid of talking in class in front of people but I was also shy therefore I got to nervous that sweat was dripping down to my face then I heard the words of wisdom from my Geography teacher saying that I had a talent for playing music and that it was ok to be nervous to play music in front of the class therefore that was a tough time I have been supported through.

I think the first posting is a good answer, but it is tough to tell because it is one long run-on sentence. Break it up into smaller pieces and see how it works.

In regards to the second piece, how about this:

"There was a day in my Geography Not a proper noun; shouldn't be capitalized. class when A day is a "when" not a "where." we were doing a section about Africa and Mrs. Jorden told us that we would be learning how to play the type of African drums they used in their music. The next day Mrs. Jorden passed out different types of African drums to every two people in a group as well as handed us notesas to how to play that music. I was messing around with the drums free playing while Mrs. Jorden was handing out the papers to everyone else in the classroom and all of a sudden the class was quiet and I found everyone staring at me. Then as I looked around everyone was quite listening to me free playing on the African drum. I started looking around as if I was not embarrassed but I could not prevent that as much I thought I was just afraid of talking in class in front of people but I was also shy This is a confusing run-on. Please rework it. therefore I got so nervous that sweat was dripping down to my face. Then I heard the words of wisdom from my Geography teacher saying that I had a talent for playing music and that it was OK to be nervous while playing music in front of the class. That was a tough time I have been supported through This is awkward; reword it. ."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

is this ok!?!

Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography, moreover I did not know anyone. My teacher Mrs. Jorden changed my mind. In class I got hands on experience with African Drums.

add anything if it needs to be included
thx

Good evening :)

"Spring semester of my junior year (Remove comma) I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; moreover, I did not know anyone. My teacher, Mrs. Jorden, changed my mind. In class I got hands on experience with African drums."

Much smoother!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

does this flow smooth along with the essay...
revise and cut out some stuff if not necessary...
thank you very much...


Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography, however I was afraid at first, but with time, I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically that I gradually became interested in African drumming. Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination. I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed; therefore, I realized that I would not have overcome these tough moment without the support of my teacher Mrs. Jorden and my classmates.

Good morning :)

OK, let's see:

"Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; I was afraid at first, but with time (Remove comma) I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically, even getting me interested in African drumming. Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination. I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed; therefore, I realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher Mrs. Jorden and my classmates."

How did she and your classmates help you get over your fear and adjust to the new environment?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

They helped me adjust to a new environment because they would help me in various ways to help me understand what was being lectured by the teacher.

oops this should be the whole thing i was writing about...

My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year. They helped me adjust to a new environment because they would help me in various ways to help me understand what was being lectured by the teacher.

Good evening :)

OK, let's see:

"My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year. They helped me adjust to a new environment by helping me in various ways to understand what was being lectured You could also use "said" here. by the teacher."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

im guessing this flows with the rest of the paragraphs do i need anything to close off the whole entire essay or thats good as it is!?!

this essay is good as it is or do i need an ending fer it!?!

Put it all together; what do you think of it? Do you think it needs more?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

how can i make this shorter and describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time.

how can i delete some or if you can rephrase and make it shorter please
glady apprecitive

Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; I was afraid at first, but with time I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically, even getting me interested in African drumming. Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination. I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed; therefore, I realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher Mrs. Jorden and my classmates. My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year. They helped me adjust to a new environment by helping me in various ways to understand what was being lectured by the teacher.

I know this essay.. lol...you're making plagiarism...

You shouldn't accuse someone of plagiarizing with out providing proof.

Okey.. here's the proof:

Book: ''Esssays that will get you into college'' , Essay number 12... lol