Appeal essay, UC Davis of Engineering

I am a ELD student. UC Davis has turned me down. i want to appeal. can somebody help me ? i post my essay on here. As u know, my english is bad, but i want to get into UC Davis. plz don't laugh. thx



To Whom It May Concern:

I'm very appreciate that University of California Davis gave me an opportunity for an appealing. After I received the admission decision from UC Davis, I considered for an appealing to University of California; Davis.
Since I have been living in the United States for 3 years, I am not a native English speaker. But I kept my GPA at 4.0 in High school, also I got an A in calculus community college during summer. I am good at math and science, and I'm considering of major in engineering at UC Davis. UC Davis has a great opportunity for engineering. Even though I have lack of experience about engineering, I'm extremely excited that I might be learning at UC Davis.
However, I have a lot of experience in society. I'm working at McDonald's to get more experiences. As I'm working, I learned lots of English too. I have been involved in a variety of volunteer activities for helping people. I'm trying my best to balance between my study and my job.
I'm very interested in my major at this university. This is the reason why I want to attend UC Davis.

Thank you very much for your time.

Work on this, the paras can now be shuffled.


To The Appeals Committee / The Dean of Admissions / The Admissions Office (certainly not whomsoever it concerns)
(Read the name of the person/office from which you received the letter allowing you to appeal. Put that reference at the start of this letter. )


I am very appreciate that University of California Davis has given me an opportunity to appeal an adverse admission decision. .

I have been living in the United States for the past three years. I am not a native English speaker. I am working at McDonald's to get more experiences and as I'm working I have learned more English.

I got an A in calculus in Community College during summer. I am good at math and science, and wish to major in engineering at UC Davis. Despite language difficulties I have maintained a GPA of 4.0 in high school.

Given my background I will be adding to the cultural diversity of UC Davis. Besides I have engaged in a lot of volunteer activities to help people.
(Please give examples)

UC Davis is a great opportunity to major in engineering.
(Please go to the website and find something which is good about it. Write that here.)

I am extremely excited at the prospect of learning and contributing at the Universtiy of California Davis.

Thank you very much for your allowing me an appeal.
(Check if it is Univ of Calif Davis or Univ of Calif at Davis.)

I'm very appreciative that University of California Davis has offered me an opportunity for an appeal. After receiving the admission decision from UC Davis, I immediately considered for an appealing to the University of California; Davis. [Is this second sentence really necessary?]
Since I have been living in the United States for 3 years, I am not a native English speaker. Despite this disadvantage, I kept my GPA at 4.0 in high school, as well as earning an A in calculus community college during the summer. I am good at math and science, and I'm considering majoring in engineering at UC Davis. UC Davis has a great opportunity for engineering. [I think you mean that you have a great opportunity to learn engineering at UC Davis. Also, why is this a reason for them to admit you?] Even though I have lack of engineering experience about engineering, I'm extremely excited that I might be learning at UC Davis.
However, I have a lot of experience in society. I'm working at McDonald's to get more experience. [Hmmm . . . not the best example you could use. Surely you have more impressive activities you could mention?] As I'm working, I have learned a lot of English too. I have been involved in a variety of volunteer activities for helping people. [This sounds promising. Elaborate.] I'm trying my best to find a balance between my studies and my job.
I'm very interested in majoring at this university. This is the reason why I want to attend UC Davis.

As you can tell from the comments I interspersed through your draft, you need to make a stronger case generally for being admitted. So you would like to attend the university -- that much is obvious from the fact that you applied. Beyond that, what reason does the university have to admit you? That is, what reasons have you given them? So far, you have told them that you have solid math and science skills (good), poor English skills (bad), no engineering experience (bad), a job at McDonalds (theoretically good, but actually bad), and are enthusiastic about attending UC Davis (good) without telling them why UC Davis in particular matters to you (bad). Some of the bad things you include may well be true, but that doesn't mean you have to mention them. Instead, replace them with good qualities about yourself that would make you a strong applicant. Also, add is some specific aspects of UC Davis that make it appealing to you. This will give you a much better essay.