Undergraduate Admission Essays

The entire essay sort of suffers from focusing on an experience that stoked your enthusiasm for engineering,... »»

Could you demonstrate some of your key points with specific examples? spalash9_9: and I started to... »»

And the first sentence in most of these paragraphs does sort of act as a topic sentence... »»

Yep. Your essay are normally fairly strong to being with, and with your commitment to revising them... »»

So, according to your statement of admission, you have a poor work ethic, no loyalty to old... »»

I was thinking more of getting free labor from bound people, especially people who have proven themselves... »»

I agree that this is a strong essay and I can see the passion you have for... »»

aan027: because of the vague language I don't feel much emotion. Overall its a decent essay but... »»

Great news. Always good to see people who put a great deal of effort into their work... »»

I agree with sean, i don't think this essay answers either of the questions. Try to expand... »»

Okay, since he tossed his siblings in there, and assuming that his siblings share his view of... »»

I don't know if you ever got around to writing the essay, but if so, feel free... »»

You might want to post said essay here, too, if you haven't already handed it in. »»

Conciseness is good. That said, the best writers employ a variety of sentence lengths and structures to... »»

SeebConnect: Both you and Simone felt cautious about that content, should I consider mentioning I read a... »»

As you revise, cut out anything that is unnecessary, vague, or wordy, thusly: "One thing that... »»

Notoman's sample essay is exactly the sort of model you need to follow when reworking your own.... »»

Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and... »»

The experience itself is sort of interesting -- a coincidence of symptoms that awakens with in you... »»

I think this is a good start, but you have to be specific of what program you... »»

^ Sorry I don't really understand what you meant, but certainly I'm going for this schlarship (:... »»

"It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific... »»

Try rewriting your appeal letter using only 60% of the words you currently do, and eliminating every... »»

Yep, verbiage aplenty here. (Isn't "extra verbiage" redundant?) In any event, try to say what you want... »»

In general, "kid" should be avoided. And I agree. You're ready to send it in, which... »»

Interesting read. Try to cut down on the double statements, 'unsafe and unstable' . They're unnecessary, and... »»

Why thank you. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for the essay, though. When your reader's first... »»

You could just delete the first sentence, and that would help a fair bit. You still wouldn't... »»

Your essay is definitely better content-wise. I sort of like your last paragraph, in that you are... »»

Thanks again, Simone and Sean! :) »»

EF_Simone: "Shrieked" colors the sentence with horror rather than glee. Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This... »»

Followed shortly thereafter by "there is" and "there are," though this will require some rephrasing rather than... »»

Thankyou :) »»

When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction, I should have sought counseling but... »»

Italy: it's 329 words though, and it's supposed to be 250. I'm hoping that's not a problem?... »»

It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it... »»

"This scholarship will allow me focus on a career that no other university in Vietnam can do."... »»

Thank EF_Sean for your suggestions so much. I will repair and complete my essay. »»

It sounds like it was your father who was not there for you, even though the rest... »»

Notoman: That was my fault. I told you that there were likely to be dangling modifiers in... »»

thanks for your help »»

EF_Simone: it's not likely to shape the lives of anyone other than those specifically interested in related... »»

It depends upon the criteria used to select scholarship recipients. If they are looking for someone who... »»

Yes, it would only take a sentence or two to specify your new study habits. It is,... »»

How about writing about various volunteer programs which you can participate? Or you can write about how... »»

You can start by saying how they used their intelligence to invent a plane and how you... »»

Congratulations! Don't forget to spread the joy by helping others with their scholarship or admissions essays! »»

"but I knew that the best way to find answers in life was to go out into... »»

I'll just say again that I really like this introduction. In addition to being fresh and engaging,... »»

Ask the college. Most colleges that use skills tests provide example tests from previous years. »»

The question really, really doesn't make sense. I was wondering if there was a concept of "register"... »»

Thank you very much! »»

It's not snobby to sing your own praises in an admission essay! »»

somethingnew: I actually want to be an academic (a very boring career) so I don't really have... »»

You know, in Sociology there's a "Front and backstage." People would rather not hear things which... »»

Right, you say that ECF has "much to offer." If you really did look at a lot... »»

To make this a real learning experience, compare Gautama and Notoman's versions -- which stay close to... »»

Okay, but you see how the original phrasing was confusing. Simone and I each interpreted it differently,... »»

Not too bad. You can still shorten it quite a bit, though, without losing much. Here is... »»

When revising for this sort of error, try reading what you have written aloud. Whenever you pause... »»