Undergraduate Admission Essays

Your writing certainly isn't generic, and a hook, while nice, is more of an extra than a... »»

In the first couple of paragraphs all of your sentences are pretty short. You should make some... »»

stevenjordan25: ok. well can someone correct any spelling or grammar errors in the essay before i submit... »»

Yes, this essay is now very strong in both form and content. I'd make one more editing... »»

i noticed that some of your sentences, well, a LOT at a time, are short sentences.... »»

sometimes its hard to understand the critiques of others as a writer, but i agree with what... »»

you should also divide the essay in to respective paragraphs. »»

Yeah, you rely too heavily on weak verbs: "The school was nothing like my expectancy. It... »»

It is very endearing! I smiled the whole time I was reading it. »»

Where did u get the questions from? there not on the common application website »»

Thanks, Notoman! I'll use the semicolon. :] »»

I am fervently interested in pursuing my degree of Doctor of Medicine at Yale University because of... »»

Thank you for the suggestions. I'll have another draft up sometime this week. »»

Well, I sent it off a few minutes ago. For my mental and emotional health don't tell... »»

Thanks for the advice. »»

I agree. While the story is compelling, you must remember the purpose, which is to tell the... »»

tal105: also, id personally delete the part that says "the fact that" Yeah, "the fact that"... »»

Did you ever come up with a revised draft for this one? »»

Well, any essay you write should have a theme. Usually for application essays, each essay conveys one... »»

WOW! u can write. both of these do show that :D i did like the 1st... »»

I grew up an only girl with seven brothers in a single family home with my mother.... »»

The beginning is bothering me. I know your trying to show that youve gained confidence, but i... »»

EF_Sean: Write on a different topic. Even if you revise it, stating that you avoid participating in... »»

Okay, then yes, your essay is fine. I just wanted to see the exact prompt, because you... »»

schooler101: You should stay on topic That about covers it. Provide us with the exact question... »»

"Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its... »»

"I tore through all the presents like Godzilla would have through a helpless city." "My dad... »»

No problem! :) »»

Try it a couple of different ways. See what you like best. Hey! That works when creating... »»

start off as a story... maybe you will get inspiration? »»

The essay was always well-written, with plenty of specific details. You just needed to cut it down... »»

This is much stronger. You did a good job on the revisions. »»

This is a very good start, but needs pruning. Remember that the prompt asks for a concise... »»

I like the engaging introduction, but the essay then becomes dull. If you know that you may... »»

Let's work on wordiness. Being biracial had been something that I felt made me once led... »»

I'm glad you're dedicated to hard work and endurance, because you've got a lot of work to... »»

You might start by asking yourself what sort of lawyer you want to become. Civil? Criminal? If... »»

Yeah, at the moment, after reading your essay, if I were the admissions officer, I would really... »»

It would also be nice if you could connect all three through some sort of common theme,... »»

Thank you EF_Simone. Will take your advice. »»

I'm moving this to the original thread. Keep revisions in the same thread as the original essay.... »»

llunachick2319: However, it only took one glance around the tiny farm to realize how phenomenal it truly... »»

Good job. Love the first line. Extra points for "epiphany" -- one of my favorite words. »»

Notoman: I have to admit that the only hip hop I am familiar with is the... »»

thank you »»

Lisse: my grammar sucks. I'll tackle the first couple of paragraphs and then challenge our forum... »»

ok, I will rework my organization so that that is more clear, thanks a bunch »»

YongKee: if i want to be a pharmacist,actually what carrer aspiration should i have??? Your aspiration is... »»

EF_Simone: Frankly, the way that this answer begins is the cleverest thing about it. And that's... »»

1. Begin with what is now your second paragraph. 2. Write more about your father's characteristics... »»

No worries. We are very patient people. »»

Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality As the school bus lurches to... »»

Julien 15, You may want to begin by thinking and answering the question - " What is... »»

Dear Moderators, I see what you mean. It is meant to say " "I write in reference... »»

Can you unify all three points with a common thread? That would go a long way towards... »»

Hey Brittney, I am also applying at Penn State. I just finished my statement: the title is... »»

EF_Sean: "A majority of youthful today do on focus on both sports and academia." Huh? The extra... »»

jennameister12: Although at this juncture in my life, I am not entirely certain on what I want... »»

The entire essay sort of suffers from focusing on an experience that stoked your enthusiasm for engineering,... »»

Could you demonstrate some of your key points with specific examples? spalash9_9: and I started to... »»