This is in response to your other essay that was deleted before I could post.
I often time find myself spending almost all my day outside of house. Already I find myself falling asleep. Make the intro exciting!It's not because I feel lonely living by myself in a small studio, but I take a great pleasure in participating at school events, church ceremonies, and a social life in interning officeMy first comment here: It's not very specific and you're listing off activities. Second comment: An office doesn't sound very "outside" to me. At each of these places I mentionedMake it sound like these characteristics (which you're about to list off again, which is bad) aren't just conditional, but that they are a part of your personality so you do it all the time. That being said, you can use more personal examples than just church, school, and work. Try a fun memory, I employed leadership, passion, and empathy Not very engaging or interesting traits. Sorry that I'm being harsh bud =[. As far as I could remember, my leadership has always been driven by other characters such as empathy with passion. I remember when I was a little kidthat I was taught that if I didn't attend a Sunday church sermon, I would never be redeemed by GodI don't think this is such a great example to use. Not that you shouldn't use religion here...but you shouldn't use religion here. You can find other examples of empathy or passion. In fact, this example doesn't really even say anything about empathy or passion. So every single Sunday morning, I gave each of my friends a wakeup call to attend a church sermon together.Again, not such a great example. Seems more annoying or rude to me, personally. No offense though. I believe having these three attributes of persona would contribute to the BU community like I did bringing contribution to my church. The introduction really doesn't make me want to keep going if I were a tired and weary adcomm who's been reading dozens of essays all day.
At a fairly young age, I used to play hide-and-seek at my dad's officesoffices or office? Not grammatically wrong, just thought you might have meant office(singular), and I realized I didn't just play around but, thanks to my dad, I also learned how an office should be run. I subliminally picked up how a leader of a group should behave and speak, and I practiced this learning by trying to mimic within my own group of friends.How? Ever since, I came to value a leadership as a vital trait of mine. Now in high school, I try to lead the school to a better enhancement. As an elected officer of my school and youth group, I work hard to bring the best of best and make our school reputable to our community. In order to do this, I socialize with neighbors in a gregarious and professional way as possible to represent my schoolmore description. Like I said I do every work with passionawkward. rephrase.. There will be no doubt that I would bring this quality to BU as an open-minded personalthough being open-minded is good, you didn't mention it at all before. Don't start bringing in new traits that you're not going to expand upon who is excited to use my talents and be helpful to the BU community. Intros and conclusions tend to be very memorable. Right now, neither the conclusion to this paragraph, nor the introduction has left much of an imprint on me
Need to transitionI intentionally enrolled in my current school, knowing that I wouldn't be able to take any AP nor Honors classesNot the best thing to tell an adcomm even if it is true. They will have already seen your transcript and you don't want to remind them that you haven't taken any AP or Honors classes. It's not because I don't like challenging classesbecause the curriculum is extremely demanding; instead, I agreed with the school's "anti-tracking" mission???. Working in heterogeneous groups have taught me how it is important to play a vital role in the education of others and has reinforced my creed (wrong word choice)in being empathetic with others. I found that sharing solidarity with others is more conducive than taking an AP classesReally? It sounds to me that you might attend a private, religiously affiliated school, which is great, because I do also. Mine happens to be Catholic (Jesuit), and like many Catholic/Christian schools, we stress solidarity and service, and so most, if not all, of the students partake in various volunteer programs. Yet, the school still stresses academic achievement, which includes taking advanced classes. Please don't use the fact that you want to do service (which is good) as an excuse for not taking difficult classes. Again, don't remind the adcomm that you haven't taken any because they are looking for that. All of this also applies even if you don't attend a religious school . I also learned something important after all:the teamwork is more beautiful when [font#FF0000]goals are accomplished with others. Yaaawwwwnnn. Also, what was the point to this paragraph? Something about empathy? Passion? Leadership? There weren't any concrete examples or focus. What did it add? Frankly, I don't really remember. And neither would an adcomm. See what I mean?
If I have the chance, I want to utilize these characters in the BU communityhow? and bring a further development (awkward phrasing to me and to those around me. I'd like to build teamwork with the BU community. I am thoroughly asleep. Make the ending memorable. Or at the very least, make it wake me up
I'm really sorry about being very harsh with this critique, but we're both seniors in high school, you can take it. I don't know if you have enough time at all to make any drastic changes, but you can quickly get all the grammatical changes of which there are many.
Content-wise, it wasn't very engaging or memorable and lacked clear focus and organization. You need concrete details and examples! Sentence structure was also repetitive and didn't sound very confident.
Again, I'm very sorry about being too harsh, but I think should be said. Anyway, you have SOME time left. A little less than an hour. Godspeed. Unless you've already submitted. In that case, good luck.
Andrew Ho
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