caisson22: But I Love LOve LOVE your first line:
caisson22: A perfect intro!Good luck though!!! I applied there as well!
Biased, and therefor untrustworthy... (teehee!)
twizzlestraw: I am different, bold, and creative. I take pride in the fact that I am different. I am bold in that distinction. That boldness breeds creativity.
Bold, bold, bold, yep, and bold...and bold. So are you bold or something?
**snickering playfully**
I am different; I am bold and creative. "How is that different?", you ask. I assert that I am bold for even making the trite assertion that I am bold, and that kind of boldness comes from a creative mind. <now something to segue into the fact that you stink at dancing.(see? This is fun, not boring!)Something, maybe, about how your creativity doesn't translate well to your limbs?? (I have a whole visual. Ha!)
twizzlestraw: I can't dance. Whenever I divulge this information to friends or acquaintances, I receive the same inevitable expressions. The slight borrow of their brows, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate to me their complete confusion. I know what they're thinking – "But you're black!" It's true, I am an anomaly. A black girl who can't dance is like a tadpole that can't swim.
Haha! I am sickly-pale, old, and wrinkled, and I dance like I am having a joint seizure, but I'm so happy pumping my arms around that people just role their eyes around and forgive me! :D Now, back to you...
Did you mean to say "burrow?" ...Because even that would make me wonder if you meant "furrow." You burrow into something, whereas a furrow is a crevice (as in a frown line). "Intimate" and "to me" are redundant in this context.
twizzlestraw: There was a time when this irony embarrassed me. At school dances, whenever the music commenced, I quickly moved to the center of a large crowd in desperate hopes of hiding my awkward movements and lack of rhythm. I understood that stereotyping was silly, but I could not help feeling somewhat inadequate at my inability to live up to mine. Oh you're black, so you can dance right?
This is good! I would use "self-conscious" instead of "embarrassed" unless you really were embarrassed...I don't know, but they just feel like two different things...do you see? Embarrassment is more like shame, and self-consciousness is more like an awareness of a flaw within yourself. Two different things - one you can control through self-improvement, the other is innate. Use self-conscious here -earlier on, and come up with a better adverb here>>twizzlestraw: However, as I danced self-consciously
or leave it out of this sentence altogether??
I really like this essay, twizzle (may I call you twizzle? haha), it just needs a little more tweaking - the idea and the expression is sound.
And that is my opinion on that! Howsabout a little b-ball? Black people are really good at basketball, right? BTW, I was 4'11" in 9th grade and a Varsity Point-Guard while I wasn't being ridiculed and bullied for my size and socioeconomic status. Stereotype sucks, so I laugh in its face. :)
Blue skies!
Jeannie Thanks for posting this! It is so not boring!
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