Hi, this is the first draft of my college essay. please make as many corrections as needed, im thinking about removing the quote at the end.
''Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.''
worn out Cowboy boots, oil stained jeans, big belt bukles, plaid shirts and this really good ranch scent. that's the image I have of my grandfather.
''where is grampa?'' that was the first thing I said going into his house, and the answer would always be the same ''he is working''. I couldn't understand why he was always working, what could be so great about work, to be honest if back then I had a say in whether I went to school or not this essay wouldn't be written.
it was a couple of months later, as I watched him branding the cattle that i realized he was really enjoing himself, he seemed happier than ever, he lived to work instead of worked to live.
This one time, he took all my cousins and me with him to learn about the cattle, we arrived to these yard packed with enourmous black and brown cows, you could see the exitment in his eyes, so big it was contageous, we all jumped off the back of the truck an ran toward the yard to take a closer look at the cows,but the smallest of my cousins couldn't get a glimpse of the cows as he was not tall enough, so my granpa gave him a lift, anxious to see my cousins face, to his surprise my cousin started to cry, he putted him immeadiatly on the ground and looked at us with these wide open, death searious eyes, and told us ''what is wrong with this kid'', thats when I realized something most of my family already knew, to be close to my grampa you had to love the ranch.
I remember my parents telling me about this one time that the whole family went to the ranch togheter, I was really young maybe 1 or 2 years, and was full with exitment and antipitacion as it was first trip tothe ranch, but as soon as i got down from the truck my face changed from amazment and exitment to shock and disgust, I just couldn't belive what I was seeing. there was cattle poop all over the place, so I just took my hands up, standed on the tip of my feet and started walking towars the house, my dad picked me up the second he saw what I was doing, because if my grandad saw me do that I would have been in big problems I just thank god I didn't cried like my cousin. he didnt care if you could undersatnd what you were seeing he wanted all of us to feel that burning passion he felt about the horses, cattle and the ranch in general.
Its impressive how much of a mark a person can leave without having the intention to do it, but just seeing how much he enjoyed his work made me anxious to grow up and start working with the same amount of passion and commitment as he did, he tought me without knowing, the great value of loving what you do, if you enjoy what your doing no matter if its work, school, or even a relationship you will be succesful at it. and what is more important you will be happy.
Brown steel toe working boots, utility belt, yellow helmet and loving grandfather, thats the image I wantmy family to have of me.
"When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible."- Anonymus
Hi,
watch out for punctuation. When you put dialogue into the paragraph like you did, there should be a comma before the quote. Also when you're quoting what someone else says, if it's too formal, it sounds unnatural. Try, for example, instead of where is grampa, where's grampa? Or he's working, instead of he is working. Also, I would suggest taking out the quote at the end, either work it into your essay or maybe beginning with it. Don't just put it in there without any explanation.
Capitalization:
''Where is Grampa?'' That was the first thing I said going into his house, and the answer would always be the same: ''He is working."
This is a run on sentence, so it needs a period after the word "work."
I couldn't understand why he was always working, what could be so great about work, to be honest if back then I had a say in whether I went to school or not this essay wouldn't be written.
Every time you quote people, capitalize their first word:
...told us, ''What is wrong with this kid?" ----I added a comma and a question mark for you, too.
:-)
