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A woman in Computer Sciences. University of Washington Transfer Statement: "Aim for Diversity."


StephD 1 / -  
Aug 13, 2015   #1
Essay Instructions: admit.washington.edu/Admission/Transfer/Statement

This is my first revision of my Essay, I am short of the minimum by about 100 words. Any advice is appreciated.

It's eleven years ago, and I'm splayed out on my stomach, legs kicking in the air as I keep my chin propped up in my hands, a patient spectator to the sport of my father's frustration. An old desktop computer is in pieces before us on the kitchen floor, and my dad's struggling not to curse in front of me as he can't make the thing give up the ghost, and let him have the hard drive he's been struggling to salvage. My dad's fascination with everything technological and mechanical was an inspiration for me as a child; Instead of playing dolls and dress up, I built catapults out of popsicle sticks and moving cars with erector sets. I began to develop a deep and profound love for anything else scientific as a bond between my father and I.

From then on I knew that I wanted to do something in science. But It took me many years to figure out that I wanted to learn more about how my dad's computers worked. I had lacked direction for some time, until one evening a news story came up on the tv about gender disparities within the field of computer science. How women from a young age were not encouraged to explore these more men-dominated fields on the basis of gender stereotypes. My entire childhood rebelled against the idea that I, as a woman, could not find Computer Sciences interesting, or that I could never do well at mathematics. I had grown up helping my dad get those hard drives out; In Junior high I began to teach myself how to do the coding for making my own custom profile pages online. later on I even asked for a copy of C++ For Dummies for my birthday and began learning a programming language on my own. That's when I finally realized: Why am I not pursuing computer science? All this time I had enjoyed tinkering with computers in some form or another, and I'd not considered pursuing this as my career.

This gave me direction in my studies; I made sure to excel in my math and science classes, and my academics became my major focus. I wanted to prove that yes, I am a woman, and yes, I like to work on computers. I knew this would require me to excel in my math and sciences, and I achieved this through graduating with honors, in high school and my community college. My biggest hurdle in pushing myself has been the financial side of things -- my family lives on the ragged edge of the middle class, and while we can support ourselves funding my education is out of the question. As I pursued my AA I had to study part time in order to work to afford my education. I plan to look even more into scholarships and financial funding to help ease this burden, as I move into the next step of my education.

And as apart of that next step, the decision to go to UW has always been the end goal of my studies; I planned to transfer here because I know UW's Institutute of Technology is known to have one of the best computer science programs in the country. It's prided as a challenging environment that delivers direct experience for the real word, and I feel it's a perfect fit for me, someone whom has already had some real experience in learning this field of study. Now it's time to take that next step. I've (finally) settled on my aspirations to earn a Major in Computer Science, and some day work for an innovative tech company, perhaps even at a local software company such as Microsoft. I feel UWT is the perfect place for me to get there; A local university known for great education in the field of STEM. I aim to bring diversity as a woman in a field often dominated by men, and gain the education I need at UWT.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 15, 2015   #2
chin propped up in my hands, a patient spectator to the sport of my father's frustration.

Wow, excellent writing here... I like the end of this sentence. I wish the rest of the sentence was shorter so this great ending would be more prominent. Like this:

It's eleven years ago, and I'm splayed out on my stomach, legs kicking in the air as I keep my chin propped up in my hands, a patient spectator to the sport of my father's frustration. --- No need to say it was 11 years ago. Readers like to figure some stuff out on their own.

..a bond between my father and I. and me.

Okay, you need 100 more words, and I want to ask you about the ideas you are expressing in the essay. This should have one main idea expressed at the END of the first paragraph, and then it should have 5 other ideas. Each of the 5 other ideas should support the main idea. So... at the end of the first paragraph you can tell the reader the most interesting concept: How you realized that cultural expectations based on gender had caused you to dismiss the idea of learning computer science, and one day you realized that there was no good reason to dismiss it. This makes the essay interesting. So, express that at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, the remaining 5 paragraphs each can begin with a paragraph 'topic' sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph. Each paragraph can continue the story, or say something about that main idea: realizing that you can study comp. sci even as a girl!

Good luck! : )
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Aug 19, 2015   #3
- ...else scientific as a bond between me and my father and I .
- From then on I knew that I wanted to do something inwith science.
- ...more about how my dad's computers workeds .
- I had lacked direction for some time,
- until one evening a news story came up on the tv about gender
- ...to explore these more men-dominated fields on the basis of gender stereotypes.
- ...things --, my family lives on the raggedrugged edge of the middle class,
- I planned to transfer here because...
- It's prided as aprides itself with a challenging
- environment that delivers direct experience forto the real word,

There you have it, I hope this helps enhance your letter and the best of luck on your application.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 9, 2015   #4
@StephD, running through your essay, I believe you're good to go.
For future reference, I'd like you to take note of the following;

- be objective
- remain true to your topic or the main idea
- cite examples
- review the rules of the language

Most of all you enjoy the writing experience and keep practicing.
In cases of a personal statement, you need to make it still as objective as you can to avoid conflicting ideas through out the essay.

Keep learning and know your boundaries when it comes to writing a personal statement.


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