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"The wind of Freedom blows" - Why Stanford?


answers: 5
Dec 22, 2010, 05:24am   #
This essay was the hardest one for me to write. There are so many things to say, and its so difficult for me to articulate them. I guess im simply not an eloquent man :(

Essay: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you


"The wind of Freedom blows".

It is this time of year where many eager students look forward to ending their high school education, and to pursue college, ready to mature from childhood to adulthood. To us, it is freedom; from our high schools, from our families and even sometimes from our country. This is not to say that we do not love these things, but rather they keep us constrained, limits our perspective of the world.

SEE BELOW

Dec 22, 2010, 05:35am   #
Doom:
This is not to say that we do not love these things, but rather that they keep us constrained, limiting our perspective of the world.


Doom:
Professor Susskind's YouTube videos gave me an insight into topics I could have hardly comprehended otherwise


Doom:
using unremarkable simple examples to describe remarkable complex phenomena


I didnt like unremarkable, it doesnt have the right connotations as far as I'm concerned

Doom:
Using salvaged wood combined with PVC to create green building materials and radiant floor systems to provide heating epitomizes


Doom:
and transforming them through unique strategies into practical designs.


Either scrap that bit, or move it, because right now that phrase really mangles the sentence


Doom:
So as I gaze out from my high school, I look towards Stanford, a place where I hope my fantasies will become reality.


Thats it? Your conclusion is quite weak. This is one of those 'stock' conclusions that get you no points, and really weaken your essay (Which would be a pity, since the rest of it is quite nice). At the very least, you need to link it back to the quote about the winds of freedom blowing.
Dec 22, 2010, 09:33am   #
I thought the same thing about the conclusion. Here is a slightly edited second draft.


"The wind of Freedom blows".
It is this time of year where many eager students look forward to ending their high school education, and to pursue college, to mature from childhood to adulthood. To us, it is freedom; from our high schools, from our families and even sometimes from our country. This is not to say that we do not love these things, but rather that they inhibit us, limiting our perspective of the world.
But to me, Stanford's motto means far more. For me, the "wind of Freedom" symbolizes a breaking of conventions and restrictions. Rather than following the beaten paths of others, Stanford is a place to innovate; a place for unconventional solutions to unusual problems; a place to think outside the box; even if what is outside that box is frightening and unknown.
Professor Susskind's YouTube videos gave me an insight into topics I could have hardly comprehended otherwise, using simple examples to describe complex phenomena, from the quirky quantum physics to the bizarre world of string theory. His explanations radically transformed my outlook of the world, yet simultaneously left me even more mystified than before.
Stanford is unique because it combines my love for the intellectual thrill of innovation, with my views on moral obligation. Stanford's uncompleted Green Dorm project is a perfect example of this. Using salvaged wood combined with PVC to create green building materials and radiant floor systems to provide heating epitomizes the concept of taking the theoretical aspects of science, and transforming them into practical designs.
"The wind of Freedom blows" is an invitation for open scientific inquiry. But it is also a plea, a plea to keep these winds of Freedom blowing. A plea that I will gladly respond to, and hope to do so alongside Stanford.


Response?
Dec 22, 2010, 09:59am   #
1 It is better to cut your first paragragh. The first paragragh should be eye-catching but not providing background information.

2 Use more examples. Your essay is well-organized but not convincing.
"wind of Freedom"You should capitalize that W.

It is this time of year where many eager students look forward to ending their -----I don't think this works really well as an intro. You have a lot of potential here, but this first sentence gets it off to a slow start.

:-)

I like this wind of freedom theme!

I don't know if alongside is the best word to use.... you are going to become a part of Stanford, not alongside it....



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