I've been told it's complete crap and that I need to rewrite the whole thing from scratch, but I there must be something I can use to start with. Please give me ideas, and tell me what you din't like about it. Thank you.
There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. 200-250
Whenever someone asks me why I want to pursue medicine, I always tell them that it's part of who I am. I feel like my entire life consisted of experiences and conditions that have been preparing me to face the two most basic qualities every doctor should have: The ability to care, and work hard.
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Danah, this is not complete crap. You can actually work with this essay with the proper guidance in regards to editing and development. Let me offer you some suggestions:
Whenever someone asks ...
- This is a totally irrelevant statement to the prompt so you can really skip this. Your response to the essay actually starts with the next paragraph.
Living in collectivist Saudi Arabia,...
- The reason I highlighted the whole text is because this is actually an excellent response to the prompt. Showing the pros and cons of your family unit is something that is not normally done in response to this type of prompt so it has a unique feel to it. I suggest that you develop the idea more to be more specific to your family values. Talk about the values of your parents and siblings. Not family in general. Speak of the family unit you come from. Where does the support come from? When is it withheld and why? Do they support your dreams and ambitions or not? How has this treatment helped you become the person you are today? I don't want you to think about your word limit at this point. Fully develop the essay so that we have wiggle room to edit and bring down the word count without affecting what your message in the essay is. I'll assist you in doing that.
The first paragraph was just me trying to smoothly transition into my answer, but I guess it is irrelevant. thank you so much for your support, I'll try and develop the second part.
Is this any improvement?
Living in collectivist Saudi Arabia, you learn to value family unity over aiming for individual goals. Our motto was "Family is as much a part of you as you are of it". My parents taught me that maintaining the harmony of the group was more important than acting upon self-interest. My sister and I, for example, constantly had to watch out for one another, even if it meant overlooking silly arguments and petty bickering. Living by those standards, accompanied by my admiration for my mother's profession as a physician, I realized how much I enjoyed trouble-shooting, as well as taking care of others.
However, I always spurned the idea of uniformity. Not having my own distinct identity became insufferable, especially after learning about the individualistic societies harbored in the west. Originally born in America, I was always fascinated with western books, movies, and art. The discrepancy in routine inspired me to diverge from the norm, and think unconventionally. It was what accustomed me to my passion for writing, which felt like a safe outlet for my avant-garde ideas. Eventually, I began focusing all my efforts in my critical and analytical writing. Through it, I was finally able to discover my own unique voice.
At the intersection of these two conflicting ideologies, it's true that there were often collisions. However, this rare unity formed by two contradicting cultures is what led me to discover both my passions and my aspirations.
