Question: What are the top five reasons you want to be a Hokie?
Instructions: Just need honest reviews about my short essay!
Essay:
The moment I stepped on Hokie soil and heard the words "Once a Hokie, always a Hokie" from my guide, I knew that this would be the university I would enjoy cultivating my engineering education in. There are a considerable amount of characteristics embraced by Tech that make it my first choice, but one of my most adored traits about Tech would be the extraordinary student body. During my first tour of the campus, it became easily distinguishable that the student body at Tech is exceptionally supportive towards one another as well as foreigners, like myself, through courteous actions performed throughout the campus. Along with the exceptional student body, Virginia Tech rewards the Hokie Nation with a vast amount of organizations to choose from, insuring that every Hokie can have extracurricular activities to anticipate after a long day of work. While I believe that a sense of community is an exceptionally important percentage when becoming a Hokie, education is also a key factor in the decision making process. Becoming a Hokie became tremendously favorable when I discovered what Engineering programs were offered, more precisely the scarce Aerospace program. Along with these attributes that make me want to join the Hokie Nation, the beauty of a small college town is essentially the binding to the book. By the time I am prepared to obtain my college degree, I want to bleed Chicago maroon and burnt orange from my veins with pride for becoming an everlasting member of the esteemed Hokie Nation.
Overall I felt your essay was okay. I think you concentrated much on using vocabulary which spoiled the essay. And most of the vocab was not matching to what you wanted to say, you might want to re-visit vocab. I added few more comments below:
cultivating my engineering education in
We desis have this habit of ending sentences with also, in etc :)
exceptionally important percentage when becoming a Hokie
Peace!
The two words does not go with the sentence.
It is a good start. I would suggest you number the reasons in first, second, third, etc. format so that the admissions officer will be clear that you are stating 5 reasons. It is also important that you expand upon each reason that you present. Separate each reason into paragraphs so that you will have enough room to fully discuss your reasons and provide examples whenever necessary. For a stronger finish to this essay, I recommend that you mention how you personally embody the 5 reasons that you previously stated and how you and the university can help each other further strengthen the university in terms of academic achievements and community relationship. Any grammar problems are really negligible and can be sorted out once you have revised the essay. That way you don't have to worry about fitting any corrections into the final or 2nd essay form :-)
Okay so I made a few revisions, could you please tell me if this sounds better than the original and if I should adjust something else
Essay:
The moment I stepped on Hokie soil and heard the words "Once a Hokie, always a Hokie" from my tour guide, I knew that this would be the University. There are a considerable amount of characteristics embodied by Virginia Tech that make it my first choice, but one of my most honored traits would be the extraordinary student body. During my first tour of the campus, it became easily distinguishable that the student body at Tech is remarkably supportive towards one another as well as outsiders, such as myself, through courteous actions performed throughout the campus. Along with the exceptional student body, Tech rewards the Hokie Nation with a vast amount of organizations to choose from, ensuring that every Hokie can have extracurricular activities to anticipate after a long day. While I believe that a sense of community is very important when becoming a Hokie, education is also a major factor in the decision making process. Becoming a Hokie became a dream of mine when I realized the valuable Engineering programs offered at Virginia Tech, more precisely the Aerospace Engineering program. Along with these attributes that pull me to this University, the beauty of a small college town is the binding to the book. By the time I am ready to step foot out of Virginia Tech with a college degree, I want to bleed Chicago maroon and burnt orange from my veins with pride for becoming an everlasting member of the esteemed Hokie Nation.
, I knew that this would be the University.
- the university
for me .
During my first tour of the campus, it became easily distinguishable that the student body at Tech is remarkably supportive towards one another as well as outsiders,
- ... I noticed that the student body...
Along with the exceptional student body,
to anticipate after a long day.
- to
help them unwindafter a long day of classes .
Aside from a few grammatical concerns, this new essay is quite good. But I don't understand, don't you need to state 5 reasons you want to become a Hokie? Did that change? You only spoke of the student body, extra curricular activities, and academics this time. You still need 2 reasons right? Or did I miss something? Regardless, this essay is much stronger than your previous one. I am sure that you have time to develop more versions, you come upon the perfect one for you :-)
My four were the amazing student body, the vast amount of clubs offered, the Aerospace Engineering program, and the beauty of a small college town. I thought I had another one in the essay, I shall work on that then. And thank you for the feedback!
I think your essay is okay, I can follow your story. You showed that you know the university well. Unfortunately, you didn't show about yourself very much, while the essay should be about YOU, not the Hokie. Through this essay, I know what Virginia Tech is like, but I don't know you.
You should also organize the reasons you stated into points, so your ideas will be easier to understand.
After all, good luck for the admission. Wish me luck too :)
