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UC Prompt 2 - Vanessa's Story


answers: 5
This is my tentative draft of my essay. Constructive criticism is appreciated! Thanks!

University of California Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"We have a few announcements this morning before we all get to work. First of all, I just wanted to let you all know that Vanessa's mom called to let us know that this is her last day." My supervisor's voice was low and full of disappointment. It's always sad to hear about a student leaving High Jump. Especially for me since I have been through the program and it has given me so many opportunities. High Jump is a non-profit organization that provides middle school students with the resources to attend a prestigious high school beyond the limitations of their home schools or family income. This is my second year working with High Jump as teaching assistant for 7th grade biology.

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I'm still not sure how this relates to the person you are. I understand that you are a hard working person, but why I'm still not sure why this is important. How has it directly impacted you?
I think this is answers the prompt extremely well. The only thing I think you could work on is discussing its impact on you. How did the experience change you?

I hope I helped!

If you have time, can you please read my essays and give me advice?? Thanks so much!

http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/phases-bipo lar-essay-ut-need-advice-editing-11165/

http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/pura-vida-c ommon-app-essay-11154/
I revised it a little bit, any more suggestions? Grammar checks and more constructive criticism would be great

"We have a few announcements this morning before we all get to work. First of all, I just wanted to let you all know that Vanessa's mom called to let us know that this is her last day." My supervisor's voice was full of disappointment. It's always sad to hear about a student leaving High Jump. Especially for me since I have been through the program and it has given me so many opportunities. High Jump is a non-profit organization that provides middle school students with the resources to attend a prestigious high school beyond the limitations of their home schools or family income. This is my second year working with High Jump as teaching assistant for 7th grade biology.
To be honest, I didn't really know Vanessa that well because she was a new student and had only attended one class day. By the morning meeting's conclusion, we had been told that she was not leaving due to lack of motivation, but rather to too much work. On top of her normal school work, she also had High Jump homework and work from Church School. When she reached our science class that day, she had passed the teacher and I a homemade yearbook that was full of goodbyes from students and staff. I decided that I would not let this student slip through the cracks of something that could be so good for her. In my entry in her yearbook, I wrote how much we would miss her in the program and how I knew exactly what she was going though because I had gone through that exact workload in middle school. I told her that if she ever needed help, not to be afraid to contact me because I know it is easier to talk to someone closer to your age. I slid the paper back to her and I watched her read it as a smile came across her face.
The next week's class day rolled around soon enough and I was again sitting in morning meeting. The day's atmosphere was completely different. Again, my supervisor went up to speak and asked if anyone had spoken to Vanessa the week before because she was once again present for class. As I left the meeting, Vanessa walked into the building and gave me a hug. She told me how I had motivated her to come back and if I could help her learn to handle all her work. Needless to say, I never thought I could impact someone in that way.
We spent the day after school making a schedule for her work and I emphasized how perseverance helped me get through that time and how it has helped me ever since. In the process, I discovered how much a little act could influence someone's life. It makes me proud that being able to reach out and connect with others on a personal level is a quality that I possess and can use to enrich my life and the lives of others in my community.
This is especially true for me since I have been through the program and it has given me so many opportunities.

To be honest, I didn't really know Vanessa very well, because she...

Hey, I think you should tell us what High Jump is somewhere in that first paragraph.

Use a comma for compound sentences:
We spent the day after school making a schedule for her work, and I emphasized...



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