Hi this is my first draft and I was wondering if I wrote a clear essay that makes sense and is good enough to submit. Suggestions are encouraged, especially if you go to VA tech.
Here is the prompt/instructions:
Our motto is UtProsim. Comment
UtProsim is way more than just a Latin saying, it's a lifestyle. I've been living it all my life, especially growing up with a family that did so much for me, such as giving me guidance and support to improve myself. In return, I develop that sense of helping or serving others so they too can become a better individual. In high school, I became part of Club R.E.A.L. which focuses on helping the community through fundraising, car washes, fundraising, and mentoring young children. This is just the tip of the iceberg that is known as UtProsim. Attending one of VA Tech's open house, I got a better of understanding of UtProsim. First off, it's everywhere from the northwest parking lot of the campus all the way to Lane Stadium and everything in between. By seeing firsthand the people in VA tech demonstrate UtProsim, I could see that it's not just about saying you will do good things for others, but it's transitioning those sayings into actions, performing the deeds of service to others so that everyone can benefit from it. UtProsim is to help others and contribute to the betterment of communities, families, and even a single person all over the world. VA Tech exemplifies that and that's why I wish to join, so that I can too exemplify UtProsim through engineering. I want to design and build projects that someday could help people. With UtProsim, I can accomplish that and continue to embody the lifestyle that I live.
Alvaro, it is nice that you were able to show how well you understand the motto of the school. It is also nice that you were able to relate it to the things that you see occurring around you. However, I believe that your comment could have been made stronger by a paragraph telling the reader that you did not realize that you have been living the motto of VA all your life, or at least as far back as you can remember. When you comment on the motto of a school, it always helps to show how you already embody or can embody the motto of the school in your daily life. It will also help to explain what you understand about the motto and how it applies to your life. The comments you made about the way that you plan to make the motto a part of your academic life is also a nice touch as a comment. After all, if you already live the school motto, you are already well on your way to becoming a member of the community once you are accepted as a student.
First off, it's everywhere from the northwest parking lot of the campus all the way to Lane Stadium and everything in between.
- Try to be specific instead of general. Explain the activities on campus that embodied UTProsim. Relate how you identified with it and then comment about how the Latin saying truly has relevance in today's world and is embodied by the students of the university. That should help you make a definitive comment about the Latin term.Instead of explaining what you saw during your visit to the campus that embodied the saying, you should instead discuss how you feel about the Latin saying and how the students of the university apply it to their lives. You are supposed to comment about the saying. Not just offer an observation or explain what you understand about it. A comment means to give your point of view about an issue. After commenting, you should try to make a comment that tells the admissions officer how you plan to enhance UTProsim during your time there as a student. That ought to fix the essay / statement for you :-)
