Unanswered [14] / Featured [5] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

My Unusual Experience at the Hospital - Univesity of Florida Essay


answers: 2
Oct 29, 2009, 06:03pm   #
Hello, this is my essay for the University of Florida. Please let me know what you think, any suggestions are welcome. The topic is:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"Excuse me! I need to pass through this hallway," said a nurse to me as I stood puzzled and astonished at the busyness of the hospital on my first day of volunteering. Maneuvering around nurses, patients, and machines of all sorts, I made my way to the nurses station to report for my first day as a volunteer. "Hey! You must be our new candy striper," yelled the nurse at the desk, "lets get you all settled in, don't worry life is pretty easy up here; you'll get the hang of things in no time." However, the nurses encouragement proved to be false as I began my invaluable experience at the hospital.

It was my fourth day as a volunteer and with less than a week of experience, the fast pace environment at the hospital was still obscure to me. As I began my new routine at the hospital, I turned a corner at the end of the hall and I found myself frantically shouting "Help, help! Nurse someone fell down over here!" My heart racing at a pace I had never felt before, I was sent into a state of shock as a stood there overwhelmed by the situation. "Hey volunteer, check her pulse!" shouted one of the nurses, snapping me out of my shock. As nurses hastily ran over to assist, I placed my figures, shaking from the excitement, on the patient's neck to check her pulse . "It might be her blood pressure, get a BP cart over there," another nurse exclaimed. As I stood back in overwhelming astonishment, a doctor got a hold of me and a student nurse and forced us back into the circle around the patient. As the other nurses focused on the patient's vitals and temperature, the doctor said to me and the student nurse, "her blood pressure may be too low, we need to get her feet above her head to get the blood flowing to her head." As we stood there holding the patients feet in the air, the very few minutes that passed by felt as if we were standing there for hours. "What happen? Where am I?" said the disoriented patient, who finally to my relief was back to a full conscious state.

After all of the excitement was over, nurses and the doctor commended me on my promptness in the situation. This experience allowed me to establish a new level of comfort and self-confidence in the hospital; I did not hesitate to assist nurses and patients around the hospital anymore, but instead felt the responsibility of being attentive to my surrounding. This event showed me that the actions of one group of individuals can impact another individual's life immensely. I now seek to be a positive influence on the life's of those around me as the nurses and doctors were to me; and would like to continue this desire in the community of the University of Florida.

I don't want to sound harsh, this definitely isn't a bad esssay, but there's nothing about this essay that stands out. Not the story being told, not the conclusions behing told, you got to come with a truer, deeper story with more interesting details and more importantly, you got to make deeper, more in depth conclusions. HEre's your conclusion "This event showed me that the actions of one group of individuals can impact another individual's life immensely. I now seek to be a positive influence on the life's of those around me as the nurses and doctors were to me; and would like to continue this desire in the community of the University of Florida". This is weak, frankly, not only is this generic and could be applied to numerous scenarios, you tie nothing into the University of Florida which is a huge school and has lots of diversity and oppurtunites, you're missing a great oppurtunity by not mentioning much about the school. Again, I'm not trying to go over the top, again its not a bad essay, just not one that will do much to enhance your chances to get in as it stands right now.
Oct 29, 2009, 06:45pm   #
I'll agree with Simrath here ... tie it more closely to the University and what you would like to gain out of your experience as a student there as well as what you have to offer in return.

It is okay that the story is ordinary. Not everyone has a life altering experience to draw on for essays of this nature. Talk more about how the moment affected you though and what the act of mentoring meant to you.

You have several small grammatical errors that detract from the story. The use of apostrophes for the possessive really sticks out because it is a mistake that is made repeatedly.

Here are some examples:

PatelJ:
"lets get you all settled in

Let's ... as in Let us

PatelJ:
the nurses encouragement

nurse's encouragement. Who's encouragement? The nurse's. If it were more than one nurse offering the encouragement, it would be the nurses' encouragement.

PatelJ:
the fast pace environment

the fast-paced environment

PatelJ:
holding the patients feet

the patient's feet

PatelJ:
attentive to my surrounding

surroundings

PatelJ:
a positive influence on the life's of those around me

lives--you need the plural here instead of the possesive



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓