Unanswered [2] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

UC prompt#1 the unknown road


answers: 7
Nov 26, 2009, 11:52am   #1
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Hello, my name is ..."
As I walked to the stage, my legs shook uncontrollably that I could hardly walk. I could hear my heart thumping heavily and become faster and faster. Although I can feel my icy hand, my face turns red. "How can I get through this?" I thought to myself anxiously. The nerve took over every thought and word.
"I'm going to present a current event about the national governments in America."
Standing in front of the whole class, I tried to utter my first word with 60 staring eyes focusing on me. As I continued to speak, however, my discomfort and apprehension diminished. I saw the curiosity and the encouragement from my classmates' face, which forced me to finish. Despite my awkward English, my classmates gave me almost deafening applause which proved the countless nights I put effort in. I walked down the stage, with smile and valor.
That was my first time to give a speech. When I just came to America, I felt fearful and reluctant to stand in front of everyone and speak. Because of my lack of knowledge in English, and mostly the fear and unconfident, I never think of giving a speech in front anyone.
I was always praised for my intelligence and diligence in school. But I didn't try to step out of my own narrow world. As my primary view of American student, they have more diverse life beyond study. Some of my classmates participate in various sports teams, some establish alluring and organized clubs, and some work for the tuition in college. I realized that America needs leadership and innovation, not obedience and stereotype. They gave speeches in front of the whole school to run for student council and dare to challenge the teacher, which is out of my original imagination.
I'm not a natural-born speaker. Like most children in China today, I was always under the protection and love of my parents. Recalling the time when I was in China, I preferred to be an audience rather than a speaker. I didn't dare to stand on stage and was afraid that everyone will laugh at me if I made a minor mistake.
*I need to change. I need to venture outside my comfort bubble. During the short study-participated experience in Hillsboro High School, I have found my dream and value of life, the participation and enjoyment in the school life.
Only because the two different culture shape who I am today.* When again standing on stage, I became confident and present my project proficiently. Now I even enjoy the feeling to give a speech, instead of sitting there to be an audience. That's success, which I can never get if I choose only to be an audience. Furthermore, I own the courage and determination to choose my own unknown fate. Because I know, whatever life will be, I already have the ability to challenge myself, to conquer myself, to exceed myself.
plz give me opinions, I just could not think of any other ideas... I write some other essays but it seemed so bad...
thanks a lot:]

Nov 26, 2009, 06:48pm   #2
Your essay is pretty good. There were a lot of grammatical mistakes that you definitely need others to look over. There is some unnecessary comments, especially about Americans, etc.

As I walked to the stage, my legs shook so uncontrollably that I could hardly walk.

I could hear my heart thumping heavily and as it become faster and faster.
i'm not sure if you want to take out the "and" and add the "as" part, but it might sound better

Although I could feel my icy hand, my face turned red.
you were using past before, and continue to use it afterward. you might want to do the same for this sentence.

The nerve took over every thought and word.
i'm not sure what you mean by this. do you mean your nervousness?

I saw the curiosity and the encouragement from my classmates' faces, which forced me to finish.
the word "force" may be too strong a word

Despite my awkward English, my classmates gave me almost deafening applause which proved the countless nights I put effort in to be helpful.

I walked down the stage, with smile and
valor.
the vocab for this seems a little out of place

That was the first time I had ever given a speech.

Because of my lack of knowledge in English, and also my fear and little confidence, I never thought I would ever give a speech in front anyone.

As my primary view of American students are that they have a diverse life beyond study.

some establish alluring and organized clubs
again, the vocab may be too much

some work for the tuition in college.
you probably don't need the end part of this sentence

I realized that America needs leadership and innovation, not obedience and stereotype.
this seems a little harsh. i feel like you are unnecessarily criticizing "America". i also don't understand "stereotype" in this sentence

American students give speeches in front of the whole school to run for student council and dare to challenge the teachers, which is , for me, hard to grasp.

I'm not a natural-born speaker. Like most children in China today, I was always under the protection and love of my parents.
this part does not relate to what you were talking about just before. there needs to be a transition or something

i'm not sure how you are planning to end this essay, but you definitely need to be strong!

Now, I was wondering if you could look at my essay! I'm guessing that if you click on my username, you can get to my essay. I need help on my most recent post. It would be awesome if you could read over it!
Best of luck!
Nov 26, 2009, 08:19pm   #3
thanks a lot, but i still think my essay is a little trite, like some people use this examples quite often and i'm also trying to write abnother one, but i just don't know what to write about
The nerve took over every thought and word.
i'm not sure what you mean by this. do you mean your nervousness?
yes i'm nervous and i want to write about it in a different way... can you help me to correct it?
I realized that America needs leadership and innovation, not obedience and stereotype.
this seems a little harsh. i feel like you are unnecessarily criticizing "America". i also don't understand "stereotype" in this sentence

for this one i want to write about the americans dare to provide some new things or opinions to their teacher. i'm not critcizing america, it's just the difference between china and america. like what i did is more like listening to what the teacher says. actually i kind of praising them
and for the end of the essay
this is what i'm writing about
Because I know, whatever life will be, I already have the ability to challenge myself, to conquer myself, to exceed myself.
how is that?
and i'm going to try some other essays, this one doesn't look good. i'm so stressed out and don't know what to write about.
there's not many days left for UC. which UC schools are u applying to?
hope that you can give me some more opinions!
Best luck to you and to us!!!
Nov 26, 2009, 11:44pm   #4
ghostmay101:
i'm not sure what you mean by this. do you mean your nervousness?yes i'm nervous and i want to write about it in a different way... can you help me to correct it?

i think the way you wrote this was fine: just change the word to "nervousness" instead of "the nerve". that's all i was referring to. it's fine besides that.

ghostmay101:
I realized that America needs leadership and innovation, not obedience and stereotype.
this seems a little harsh. i feel like you are unnecessarily criticizing "America". i also don't understand "stereotype" in this sentence
for this one i want to write about the americans dare to provide some new things or opinions to their teacher. i'm not critcizing america, it's just the difference between china and america. like what i did is more like listening to what the teacher says. actually i kind of praising them


if that's what you're trying to say, do exactly that! just take out the stuff about stereotype and stuff, and insert an edited variation of what you just wrote!
hahaha, i'm stressed out too! i think everyone is :)
i'm applying to berkeley, la, sd, davis, irvine.

btw, so i had another thread i was wondering if you could look at. it's titled "UC Prompt 1: What school has done to me! that was originally the one i wanted people to look at, but i guess i wasn't clear. so if you could take a look, that would be AMAZING! C:
Nov 27, 2009, 12:31am   #5
Overall I found this essay really enjoyable to read. The intro really sets the scene. I wouldnt mention your town as a bubble, because chances are many will feel the same. Are you going to lengthen it?
Nov 27, 2009, 07:10am   #6
okay,thanks
i need also to change my topic a little because it's kind of common
and i want write more about how the difference between amrica and china actually bring me something
is there any suggestions of how i will lengthen it.
and i could add a little more since it's almost 500 words
thanks a lot!!!
Nov 27, 2009, 08:40am   #7
I like your essay, especially your tone and easy style of writing. Perhaps you can focus more on what the question is asking, like which part of "your world" you want to share? Generally I think what you are writing now is about an experience or lesson you v learned. Try to tell the admission folk more about your feelings of two different backgrounds and so on.
Nov 27, 2009, 11:11am   #8
yes that's what i'm trying to tell about and i want to talk about both cultures are really important to me and the chinese culture also gives me a lot
it's the experience of both cultures shape who i am today
but i find hard to write specifically.
i think the same way as you
but plz give some advises to me on how to write about my native culture according to my essay
i really want to add something to it!!!
thx a lot !!!



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓