University of Rochester supplement. Short Answer, Individuality and independence

The question is:

Rochester students represent many different points of view. Each student constructs an indenpendent study and research plan. Describe what you will contribute in Rochester's diversity in ideas, experiences and identities. If you can, incorporate a positive past experience where you chose your own learning path, or a negative experience where you wanted to exercise more independence.

Here's the answer:

Individuality and independence are some of the qualities I greatly admire. It is in fact, a result of a personal experience in the past. In my freshman year in high school, I easily swayed between other people's decision. Somehow I seemed to believe that it was fine to selflessly respect other's opinion even though it meant that I had to yield mine. I was very conscious of what my friends thought of everything. For example, when I chose clothes in a store, I stopped and thought if most teenagers would have liked them as I did. However I started to realize that I kept concealing my true self and it would impede me from achieving my desires if I continued. This belief was confirmed when I read Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead"; it stressed the importance of being a unique individual. I think students in Rochester are all very unique in their own way of thinking, learning, and experiencing. By expressing my own thoughts and beliefs and sharing them with others, I would also contribute to this uniqueness as an individual.

I was kinda lost at the end
becuz somehow it doesnt answer the question well...
i need some advice

please and thank you ;]

Maybe you can talk about how you have changed as an individual? How are you more independant now, and how are you more unique?

Dont want to be frank, but in my opinion I think your essay is in lack of 'stuffing' and depth. Like an fried egg with no yolk.

I'll make this easy for you and me(Im busy doing essays, too, got like 10 universities I want to apply.).

Since:
Individuality and independence are some of the qualities I greatly admire.

You've talked about individuality. Where is the part about independence in your essay? Need evidence.

I think students in Rochester are all very unique in their own way of thinking, learning, and experiencing. <--where does this come from? You need proof! Talk a bit more about Rochester's students?

And yes, I think your essay is not focused enough/straight to the point.
You have a good example in your essay, but you need to emphasize it better, to make it stand out,if you know what I mean. Good Luck!!

Thanks Mpx and Esaias :)

i did feel like i wasn't telling more about myself.