University of Illinois Essays (academic interest, work experience, service)

I wrote these essays relatively quickly.
Any comments and help would be GREATLY appreciated
Also on both essays i am like 100 words over the limit so any suggestions to shorten them would be excellent
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read these and suggest somthing.

Essay number 1
In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

Ever since I was young, I could easily tell that I preferred the math and science side of education opposed to the liberal arts. The first subject that captivated me was Mathematics. Ever since elementary school, I was always ahead of the normal math curriculum. I started Freshman year with Honors Algebra II/Trigonometry and excelled at it. I realized that I really enjoyed solving math problems, so I joined Math Team, and I have received many awards at local competitions, and I attended the State Competition at your school every year. After receiving a 5 on my Calculus BC test last year, I am currently taking Calculus III, which is the Mathematica based class that is offered through your school.

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

I play the unique sport of cricket, which is the internationally played sport that was introduced to be through my Indian cultural background. I was born and raised here in America, and I was never really exposed to cricket at a young age. However, because my parents were immigrants from India, they ordered international T.V. in order to see the World Cup of Cricket. We had a huge party at our house with all my friends to watch the YEAR finals, and this was the first time I really watched the sport in action.

Eventually our interest grew, and we started an organization, in which kids in our age group could play cricket. We started off by just playing with a simple bat and a tennis ball, but eventually we wanted to play the game with more intensity, but we needed an actual cricket field to play on. We went to our city council every week and tried to persuade them to build it, by signing petition, and telling our friends and family to join us every week until they finally agreed.

Ever since then, my friends and I created a team and practiced every summer. Every year we go to tournaments around our area in Chicago and Detroit. In 2004, I was selected to be on the Midwest Under-15 team to play in a National Tournament in San Jose, California. Here I got to meet and become good friends with many new people and increase my ability in the sport. I continue to practice with my local team, and because there are no nearby teams our age, we currently play in an adult league.

Our team also took an initiative, and taught little kids these past summers. Every week we get around 10 kids and we taught them some of the skills that we have learned, and let them have lots of fun. This has taught me valuable leadership qualities and how to organize a group of people.

ESSAY NUMBER 1

- i think there should be a better hook :)

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i think omitting "really" sounds better

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wait you're referring to the college as "your" right? maybe you should put the school name instead...

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omit the 2 "really"

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you could use better adjective/descriptions :)

-hmm, overall you definitely persuaded me that you excel in science/math = strong academically.
i have a feeling you should focus on one subject, but not to sure. you should see what others say :)
-and the prompt asks for academic interests, i feel like you focus a little too much on how much you achieved/excelled. and not to much on how it exactly interests you.

but seriously though, great job on all your math/science achievements. i mean i have always been one year ahead in math but like still impressive!

ESSAY NUMBER TWO

-again better hook

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run on sentence...

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i feel like this part of the prompt wasn't carried out well enough or expanded upon enough...

hope this helped :)
good luck!!!

Ever since I was young, ... opposed to the liberal arts.

I started Freshman year with Honors ... is offered through your school.[/b]
Most of this can be found elsewhere on your application. I would condense it. Admissions would be unpleased with an introduction talking about your various achievements.

... I naturally thought to try out the subject[/b]
It's natural? Like human nature? I have never taken an engineering type course even though my dad has been an engineer all of his life. , so I took this class that ...

I became very skilled at it, and believe ...
What makes you believe so? Actually, don't answer that because it will make this opinion seem even more arrogant.

I wanted to continue with the subject... Come on.

I was so interested in it, that during my sophomore ...
And it doesn't stop there right?

After the first week, I recognized ... my favorite science subject.[/b]
Your interests do not really have solid reasons and aren't developed at all throughout your essay.

I became so good at the subject that ...
Somehow I predicted this.

In Essay 1, you do not discuss what your academic interests are and why you are interested in that academic field. Instead, you show off a pretentious attitude that makes you think that you are really good, and that subjects like Physics only interest you because you are 'good' at it.

From your first essay, your overall writing style is very boring and insipid. It lacks flavor. What could have made up for it are a unique set of points, which you have failed to provide.


^It is not a unique sport. If it is internationally played, which I know it is, then it is definitely not unique.

I skim read the rest of your cricket essay and it too, lacked flavor. You just state, rather than narrate and discuss.