CA Prompt #1: Unique background or experience - The immigrant experience and progress.

Please critique my Common App #1 essay on my perspective of the immigrant experience and progress. I appreciate al feedbacks.

"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story"

While growing up, my father often told me the story of the day he found a nickel while walking back from school, and why that nickel meant so much to him as a poor child in the Caribbean. I heard many other stories in debates between my relatives over who had a harder life growing up and how they overcame that. These stories would have been enough to convey their intended message, but I experienced it firsthand every time when I visited my relatives in the Caribbean, and saw what it meant to live a hard life, with humility, but happy. These experiences have influenced how I value others by giving me a perspective of a world different from the one I live. It has also left with me a sense of fear because I feel responsible for expanding on the progress my family has made.

It is difficult to be a first generation immigrant trying to break the cycle of poverty and lack of progress. It is also difficult to be second generation, building progress while avoiding the struggles others have faced. Compared to my parents, I have lived a comfortable childhood, well integrated into American society and culture, but not disconnected from my other cultural background. I live in the socially and economically segregated crossroads of America, comfortable in any of these roads, but hopeful that someday they would merge into one. Today, it is not difficult to turn on the television set and hear politicians bluntly express their views of those at the bottom of the social-economic ladder; these are self-proclaimed experts on the experience, lives, and contributions of immigrants, minorities, and the poor; declaring, with conviction, the role each of us should play in society in our country. Although this sometimes scares me, I look forward to the future with confidence, and I cannot think of anything that would stop the course of progress.

Since an early age, I learned to be sensitive to the needs of others and have tried to contribute where I can. I am particularly attracted to causes that benefit the poor, and those that advance cancer research because of the devastating impact this disease has had on members of both sides of my family. My grandparents who are dedicated to church, and my mother who practices dentistry in a low-income neighborhood, have influenced me considerably. Participating with my grandparents in church activities instilled in me a sense of compassion for others, while spending time with my mother at work during the summers opened my interest in a health profession, where I can potentially be of service to others.

While growing up, I battled with academic challenges resulting from having had late command of the English language and having spoken Spanish exclusively for the first four years of my life. It was a challenge to catch up with other children after moving to a more demanding school district. My academic transcript tells part of the story which carried through my first two years of high school. The other part of the story is how I have overcome these difficulties and have drawn on my experiences to build a solid foundation based on a lot of hard work and encouragement from those around me. I feel comfortable with how I have progressed, and I have accomplished this while becoming fluent in two languages, which I view as culturally important, and professionally necessary for future graduate and professional work.

Looking ahead to college, I am interested in learning more about the world and increasing my understanding of the sciences and humanities while preparing for a possible healthcare career. I view the opportunity to attend college as a journey of possibilities; an opportunity to explore, including the possibility of participating in a service or educational program abroad. I am truly excited about my future, and I cannot wait until the fall of 2014.

This is a vague statement, especially compared to the previous sentence, which is very descriptive. I'm not saying you have to spend a paragraph describing it, but using more specific words would help engage the reader more.


These two statements kind of contradict each other, so explain why you would want them to merge...?


Very smart and well-worded, however it's pretty long. I'd break it up somewhere and make 2 or 3 sentences.


Delete the "tried", just say you've contributed. It comes off as stronger.


I think this conclusion sounds a bit cliche, I liked where you were headed in the previous sentence. Talking about exploration and such is a nice way to end.

I really liked your essay! It was well thought out, personal, and unique. However there are some points where you are a bit vague

All contributors, thank you so much for the very good comments. I have revised my essay and incorporated the suggestions. Any additional comments would be appreciated. Thank you.