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'Unfortunate beginning' - Common app essay - significant person (my mother)


ichid99 9 / 10  
Jan 3, 2009   #1
Please check my mechanics and grammar. I know its long, but please help.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

The moment my mother walked away from my abusive father for her children, I finally realized what an extraordinary woman she is. The strength that she displays through the adversities of growing up in a poverty stricken family and her survival in a foreign country greatly shaped my perspective in life. Witnessing her battle to live life trying to survive and provide her children with the opportunities that she never had, strengthen my determination to shoot for my dreams. Her passion and drive for knowledge and her unwavering principles of honesty, hard work, and perseverance became my sources of motivation and inspiration. Through the eyes of my mother, I am her dream and for that reason my goal in life is not to be rich or famous, but to possess the capability to support my family and make my mother's dream come true.

My mother entered this world with an unfortunate beginning. She was an unwanted child abandoned by her mother at an early age. Although she was adopted soon after, her childhood was full of hardships. She had limited access to education and had to start working at an early age of seven, selling firewood at a local market. She married at the age of sixteen, but life did not turn for the better. A year after I was born, my mother decided to leave Vietnam for a better future in America. In a foreign country, life was hard for my parents. Their English vocabulary barely fills a page of a book and their education did not reach that of the junior high level. My mother eventually found a job at a packaging company and continued to work there for the next twelve years. My father on the other hand, constantly changed jobs and was never happy settling down for too long. He was the type that likes to talk big and do little. My mother was forced to take on another job at a nail salon, ending up working seven days a week in order to earn enough to pay the bills. My mother tolerated my father for as long as she could, but made a decision to end their eighteen year marriage when he turned to drugs. From that point on, my perspective of my mom changed from being just a friend and a mother to a teacher and a hero.

My mother used to have a saying that, "a person cannot be considered great until he or she has experienced failure and was able to rise up every time he or she falls." Witnessing my mother's plight and her determination to rise above it all constantly makes this quote ring true. The "failures" that my mother tags onto her life whether it is poverty, lack of education, or an abusive marriage are trials and tribulations in life that most people never experienced and shouldn't have to face. Through my eyes, the "failures" that she tags herself with cannot be consider failures, but achievements for being able to rise up every time she falls. The steadfast attitude that she displays through her adversities was passed down to me. For a period of time, I started working to support myself and to relieve my mother of as much burden as I could possibly take. To guarantee my future and please my mother, I applied and received a scholarship to attend college. Her determination to overcome "failures" has instilled the same drive and ambition in me to succeed.

One value instilled in my childhood by my mother was the importance of giving back to the community. Entering a new country and struggling to make a living, fellow immigrants and neighbors gave my parents shelter and a job to start their new life. When my mother was left without a husband and three children to raise, strangers lent their hands to support her in her time of need. In return for the kindness that was shown to her, she frequently involves herself in the community and volunteers when she can. I remember tagging along with my mother on every Vietnamese holiday to a nearby temple, where she volunteers to help hand out food to the guest and the needy. My mother's efforts to give back to the community inspire me to give back in my own way. During high school, I chaired the Hands Up Club (Sign Language Club) and was a member of Japanese Club. My involvement with these clubs provided me with the opportunity to apply my knowledge to help others and share with them the many cultures that defines me. When an immigrant family moved in the same apartment complex as my family, I lend them a hand through basic assistance such as babysitting and provided them with basic living supplies when necessary. At other times, I would volunteer at a local food bank and help give out food to those in need. The kindness that was shown to my mother reinforces my awareness of the need to use my abilities to the betterment of others and inspires me to establish my presence as a member of the community.

I am a product of my mother's hard work and care. My mother's understanding of academic excellence help me understands the world around me. She believes it is justice for her children to be given every opportunity to succeed. Her Buddhist faith and understanding of harmony shaped my perspective of life. Through all the adversities in her life, she took on the leadership role as head of the household to protect her children. My life and upbringing have been modeled in the same fashion as Seattle University. Seattle University provides me the opportunity to continue to model my life's work in the same fashion and make a contribution to this world. I am ready to advance my education and become a leader within my community, in hopes to empower the people the same way my mother has empowered me.
newsha31 19 / 75  
Jan 3, 2009   #2
"Witnessing her battle to survive and provide her children the opportunities that she never had.."

i tried to critisize more, but i stopped for two reasons: ive been working on my own essay for 6 solid hours today, and second, im not a native english speaker, im afraid if im not right.

but it is a well written essay, it attracts the reader. i really liked this part : "Through the eyes of my mother, I am her dream..." i understand what it really means and how it feels... :)
Linnus 6 / 89  
Jan 4, 2009   #3
"The moment my mother walked away from my abusive father for her children, I finally realized what an extraordinary woman she is."

I don't think "finally" is necessary.

"The strength that she displaysdisplayed through the adversities of growing up in a poverty stricken family and her survival in a foreign country greatly shaped my perspective in life."

"Witnessing her battle to live life trying to survive and provide her children with the opportunities that she never had, strengthen my determination to shoot for my dreams. Her passion and drive for knowledge and her unwavering principles of honesty, hard work, and perseverance became my sources of motivation and inspiration."

These two sentence convey the same idea. Try to combine them.

"make my mother's dream come true."

So you are living for your mother, but not yourself?

I quickly scanned through the rest of your essay. It tells me a lot about your mother, but not yourself.

Good luck!
charliesun 9 / 28  
Jan 4, 2009   #4
I think you write it pretty well. But the essay is a bit longer for the admission officer. The point is about your mother's influence on you. So you are the point, not your mother. I suggest you to make the description of your mother concise.


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