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unfamiliar teenagers - BROWN SUPP. Best Advice


sammiepuddle 5 / 15  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
please someone help. I know it is very cliche, but i do not know how to fix that and make it less average and more powerful.

I made some edits since my first post.. but it's still pretty bland...

I am surrounded by fifteen unfamiliar teenagers. One is standing in the corner with her hands covering her eyes and counting "3, 2, 1, ready or not here I come!" Another is hiding underneath the piano in the corner. A rattle comes from the closet and I suppose that someone else is hiding in there. At the long table along the rear wall of the room, a curly haired girl sits alone.

This is my first meeting as a volunteer for the Special Education Parent and Teacher Association, commonly known as SEPTA. It is a program at my town's public library to have parents and children with special needs gather in an inclusive social and educational environment. The SEPTA bimonthly parent information meetings provide childcare for their teens with special needs. The volunteers, like me, are responsible to interact and socialize with these teens.

A rush of nervousness washes over me. How could I relate to these strangers? Awkwardly standing at the entrance, I am at lost at what to do. I watch the cheerless curly haired girl watching the giggling teens playing their game of hide and seek. Suddenly, my mind wanders to a vision of my father at the dinner table explaining the value of a simple "hello." He explains that having the ability to be warm and amicable in an unfamiliar situation is the keystone in establishing relationships. After a brief wrestle with the fear of rejection, I inhale and make my way to the lonely girl, my father's words of wisdom at the brink of my thoughts.

"Hello." She looks up at me and, to my relief, smiles. After a few minutes of simple chatting, I learn that we have much in common. We speak about a variety of subjects from High School to the Yankees during the remaining two hours, which becomes the first of many conversations that I have with her. This simple dialogue led the way to trust, camaraderie and working towards common goals. Plus, my inhibition and apprehensiveness are no longer obstacles when in a new situation.

Through this wonderful volunteer opportunity, I have befriended many other teens with a wide spectrum of disabilities ranging from autism, cerebral palsy, ADHD, Down syndrome, learning disabilities and communicatively impaired. What I value most is the friendships and bonds I have made with peers whom I otherwise would never have met. To talk and listen to them and their dreams, I have found each child to be unique and extraordinary - and it all began from a simple hello.

any suggestions would be much appreciated.
I need to hit submit tonight!! ahh!
byflash 2 / 11  
Nov 1, 2009   #2
What's the prompt?
OP sammiepuddle 5 / 15  
Nov 1, 2009   #3
best advice you've ever recieved.
kart00cj 3 / 5  
Nov 1, 2009   #4
It's a good story but it seems you spend alot more time telling about the experience than really explaining why it was the best advice
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 2, 2009   #5
It will be great if, at the end, you reflect on the advice and talk about it, using the word advice to acknowledge their prompt. Make it formally, clearly answer the question in that last paragraph.

However, it is fine as it is! I love the hide and seek at the start! Use a comma:
Ready or not, here I ...


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