Hi, this is my first essay and I was hoping I could get some feedback.
Thanks, Addison
UNC Essay Prompt
1. People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?
Pacing behind the wings, lyrics, lines, and choreography flooded my head. I could hear the prologue booming from the orchestra pit; my cue was drawing nearer. My time had come. The next hour would be my chance to express "me", my inner world. This world of mine is wrapped in beauty and bound in mystery. Few can understand it, but all can access it. All they have to do is buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, and find their seat, because I pour my soul onto the stage. As my voice and lyrics intertwine, one can hear my values. As I act and play throughout the stage, one can see my humor. And as I dance with careless freedom, one can feel my passion. As bows are given and the curtain is drawn, the world outside mine responds with a graceful cheer. My hour is up. All I can hope for is that they were entertained, that they could see what I see every day- the beauty, the mystery. As the great playwright William Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage." In my case however, my world is the stage. So come take a peek; come visit this inner world of mine. I promise only what I stand for as the lights dim and the music begins and I become transparent.
Hi Addison,
While your essay is poetic and deep with meaning, it does little in describing to the reader how your inner world works. I would write a simpler essay and describe how the stage is your inner world and how it has helped shape who you are.
Mark
Hi Mark,
Before doing a rewrite, I just wanted to make sure I understand your point in relation to the essay prompt. Instead of describing how my "inner world works", was I not supposed to describe how I "express my inner world and how does the world around" me respond? I just want to clarify that you had read the prompt as I did before rewriting.
Thanks, Addison
All they have to do is buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, and find their seat, because I pour my soul onto the stage.--- This is great! It seems like maybe something is missing, though...
All they have to do is buy a ticket, grab some popcorn, and find their seat, because when I pour my soul onto the stage I supply the energy that makes their experience worthwhile.----I wanted to show that you "take care of something" for them, so all they have to do is relax. That is a good concept...
As the great playwright William Shakespeare once... ---- goes without saying, so don't say it. That is a good rule to follow. Never say anything unnecessary unless it is particularly cool.
Hi Addison,
I think that you are on target if you express your inner world and how that inner world around you "responds" to the rest of the world. Are we not all living in our own 'inner world?' I have re-read your essay -- actually a number of times -- and while I still think that you are a wonderful writer (very poetic, very beautiful), I wonder if you are hitting the prompt correctly and I also wonder if your readers are able to understand what you are saying.
I actually wanted to see if some others were going to give their feedback, and while Kevin chimed in, I wonder if he feels as I do. When is this essay due? I would like others to chime in as well and give you some more feedback, even before you attempt a re-write.
Again, you are a wonderful writer!
Mark
Thanks Mark,
I probably was unclear. This essay if for my undergraduate admissions application and is one the the short answers you give on the application. I too look forward to see if I can get any other feedback on this.
Thanks Addison
Hello Addison!!
I agree with Mark. Your writing is excellent and quite poetic!
However, this is an admissions essay, and sometimes such a style can make the essay slightly abstract. I don't know if you intended it to be that way, but your essay seemed like one big metaphor to me. Consequently, I found it hard to follow the actual theme in some places.
I hate to see you rewrite this essay because it is really beautiful. Nevertheless, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.
