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"My trip to Israel-new perspectives" - Michigan State University app essay


answers: 3
Jun 28, 2011, 07:30pm   #
Prompt: discuss an activity or organization that you have participated in or are currently participating in outside of your own cultural group.

The limit is up to 400 words. My essay, however, is 574! I was not able to shorten it, because I felt every sentence had deep meaning. Please help with this, thank you!!!


As we were walking through the market in Tel Aviv, Israel, the scents of semolina cakes and Burekas overwhelmed us with a yearning to try some. In the market, there were also many bright-colored orange trees. Kids were having fun, it was a welcoming feeling. This image turned into a drastic one when my father suspected a man stealing something from my mother's purse.

SEE BELOW

Jun 28, 2011, 10:57pm   #
This image turned into a drastic----maybe 'dramatic' would work better here?---

The hair on my hands was standing up, and I felt light-headed.---This is great writing!


I came about this opportunity to travel to Israel ---This sentence should start the next paragraph.

While my family and I were driving back to our relative's apartment, I had the a realization that when...

This soothed my mind after the market experience.

Before we left, our relatives warned us of the chaotic scenes; this did not sway us.

People were crying in the streets.

I realized that even though even though two Jews could live thousands of miles apart,...

This visit made me realize just how lucky I was to live in a safe environment. While we were walking through Jerusalem, a poor man caught my attention. For some reason, I felt his eyes express a lost hope. I gave him an American souvenir, because I had no money. By doing so, I felt a made a small change for a long way for this man.
---How would you feel about taking away the part here in red, and add the next part with the children dancing, to right after the part about the bombing? It would show a stark contrast, and help with the word count. I know it's hard to cut, but it would still be a great and very interesting essay, also getting your point across.

If I am given the chance to attend Michigan State University, one of my main priorities---no comma here---would be to share my experiences of the Israeli culture, from the violence to the beautiful meadows. This is better if you add the short sentence to the previous one, for a smoother sentence. (Also, the shorter one was incomplete.)

I would also discuss the ambitions and passions they---who?--- have in life.

... and also continue my goal of exploring more cultures, and finding unique stories, people, and traditions in each one.

Good luck in school, I hope everything goes well for you there!

:)
Jun 30, 2011, 10:12pm   #
Updated Version:


As we were walking through Tel Aviv, Israel, the aromas of semolina cakes and Burekas overwhelmed us with a yearning to try some. In the market, there were also many brightly-colored orange trees. Kids were having fun, it was a welcoming feeling. This image turned into a dramatic one when my father suspected a man stealing something from my mother's purse. The hair on my hands was standing up, and I felt light-headed. Both my father and the man were screaming at each other in their own languages; a language barrier was set. I was screaming to my dad that the man was merely trying to put back my mother's cell phone that dropped out.

I came about this opportunity to travel to Israel from my own genuine interest to learn about Israel's dynamic culture my relatives talked about when I was younger, and to also learn about Israel's political and economic state as well. While we were driving back to our relative's apartment, I realized that our culture and Israel's are vastly different in terms of traditions and customs. It is crucial to understand these differences before traveling to any country. The assimilation will be easier. While I was in the car, I noticed something peculiar: a beautiful scene of purple orchids. This soothed my mind after the market experience.

The next day, our plans were to go to Jerusalem. Before we left, our relatives warned us of the chaotic scenes; this did not sway us. When we arrived, there was a sign that said "No Crossing!" People were crying in the streets. A bomb had exploded. Our hearts pounded and we were speechless. We also observed a glimpse of poverty, and religious tension as well. I realized that even though two Jews could live thousands of miles apart, they still feel the same patriotic feelings for their country, a closely knit brotherhood. Later on, we observed a festive group of kids dancing to folk music in the middle of the street. This made me realize that these people can find a positive side of life, even though a 911-like scene can happen daily. In Jerusalem, there was also this sense that people valued their religion, unlike any place I've seen on earth.

If I am given the chance to attend Michigan State University, one of my main priorities will be to share my experiences of the Israeli culture, from the violence to the tranquil meadows. In effect, this will allow the students to have a greater awareness of the cultures that make up our world, and how some are less fortunate than others. I would also discuss the ambitions and passions these cultures have in life. In Michigan State University, I would join the xxxx club to contribute both my knowledge and passion. This will allow me to continue my goal of exploring more cultures, and finding unique stories, people, and traditions in each one. I would also become volunteer and leader in the community.
Great writing, Eddie!

I think this essay is too short to begin with so much description. I want you to hit the reader hard in the face with your main idea. It is important to jerk the fishing pole right away, as soon as the fish bites:

As we were walking through Tel Aviv, Israel, the aromas of semolina cakes and Burekas overwhelmed us with a yearning to try some. In the market, there were also many brightly-colored orange trees. Kids were having fun, it was a welcoming feeling. This image During a family vacation, the scene in Tel Aviv turned into a dramatic one when my father suspected a man stealing something from my mother's purse. The hair on my hands was standing up, and I felt light-headed. Both my father and the man were screaming at each other in their own languages; a language barrier was set. I was screaming to my dad that the man was merely trying to put back my mother's cell phone that dropped out. (Now add a brilliant thesis statement that drops a concept in the reader's lap... the main idea of the essay.)

:-)



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