I am planning to transfer to UCs and here is my first draft of personal statement, can somebody give me some advices.
Numbers could be sexy, if you would like to give a closer look at it.
"Did you really study? How come you got such a low grade on this easy test?" Slowly putting up my arms, I finally decided to free the teardrops from my eyes. Plot...plot. The little rain that I produced quickly damped the floor in front of the desk where my math teacher was sitting at with a long wood ruler holding in her hand. Whack...whack. Numb palms, stiff legs, anything other than that had left in my memory was the miserable thought-I'll never be good at numbers, never.
Many times when thinking back of this terrible experience in primary school, I feel ironic and relieved that numbers, what were once my night mare, had actually showed me a whole new world and made me who I am today. Born in a typical family in China, I'm the only child in my family who was placed on great expectation by my parents. I forced myself to deal with numbers even I firmly believed that I have absolutely no talent for numbers. However, neither I nor my family could have imagined that ten years later, I am now studying aboard in Unite States majoring in accounting. Today, numbers are no longer my nightmare but my friends, hobbies and tools.
My inferiority towards numbers did not change until junior high school when one day my father told me that he was once bad at numbers, too. "I don't even know what does a √ means when I was taking a final exam in high school" said dad who chose medicine as major in college and finally became a surgeon after he graduated. "However, I soon realized the importance of being numerically precise as a doctor. In this society, being logical and accurate is required to be success". He then flung down a challenge, "It's ignorant for you to think numbers are useless and dull. Instead of complaining, can you conquer it?" "Of course, I won't give in to you, dad". That's how I decided to give a closer look at numbers, rebelliously and curiously.
Braced up I tried hard to conquer the fear of numbers. I joined the math club and began fighting with tons of exercises. My first time of experiencing the payoff was in a good stand competition in junior high school. Instead of snacks or miscellaneous goods like key chains that everyone was thinking, I suggested customized t-shirts, which would bring more profit and cost more meanwhile. By showing branch of numbers that I have figured out by researching the market, I strongly enhanced my choice. At last, my team won the first price with the most profits earned. Because of the victory, for the first time I found that other than being powerful and practicable, numbers can also be a brilliant tool for leadership. That is when I endowed a new label for numbers, sexy.
I found my role model of sexiness in high school after I read ZiMo Zeng's story. Skinny figure wrapped by elegant Armani suit assorted with astonishing jewelry from Chanel, Zeng, who graduated from Dartmouth College and was employed by the Morgan Stanley completely subverted the dull image of financial worker with her confidence and fashion sense. Irresistibly, I was attracted by the sexy financial world and started my college life half-the-world away from home.
By taking classes and participating in clubs, I gained more insights about numbers. They are missish that they never show their beauty easily. They are straightforward that they will never keep either good or bad news in a secret. They are snobbish that they will drive those unprofitable deals away. They are efficient that they never give you helpless answers. They are naughty that never will they stay the same. They are prideful that they will fool the people who don't respect them. They are reliable that they will never let you down if you understand them. Yes, numbers are sexy, aren't they? Drawn to the charming world of finance, I've dream about my future in different ways. I may become a CPA who provide services for the public, a personal financial advisor who secure and scale up other people's wealth, or an analyst of investment who can participate in large corporation deals. No matter what kind of job I would have, I will keep working to shape myself into a professional, responsible and helpful person who can do something for others with the lovely, sexy numbers.
I think the expression is "thinking back on" instead of "of"
...feel the irony and relief that numbers, what were once my nightmare , had actually shown me a whole new world and made me who I am today.
Bracing for challenge, I tried hard to conquer the fear of numbers.
I really like the way you grab the reader's attention with "sexy," because grabbing the attention is important! However, can you choose a different word besides sexy? I think some people would find it inappropriate...
I like how talk about numbers in your second part (it's different), but I'm not a big fan of numbers being categorized as "sexy" and "naughty." For me, it just seems kind of inappropriate.
"Born in a typical family in China, I'm an only child in my family who was placed on great expectation by my parents."
This sentence is awkward, rearrange the words or rephrase it.
"I deal with numbers even I firmly believed that"
What do you believe? The fact that you deal with numbers a lot. This sentence is also awkward and unclear.
Read your essay aloud and fix that parts that sound awkward to you. There were a number of sentences that sounded off to me. Also, check over your grammar.
