The Transcendence of a Stage - transition from childhood to adulthood

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The backstage crowd bustled with energy and excitement on the night of the big show. The windowless room, filled with gleeful actors, musicians, and singers talking and roaming about, enraged me even more as I sat nervously on the director's chair looking at clock straight ahead. Tick tock, tick tock. When the clock struck six, I would have to leave. I would have to escape from this temporary safe haven and face the outside world. Nobody knew that I, a classical piano player completely in a different ballpark from modern day singers, would be selected to play for a talent show competition that is suppose to excite a crowd yearning for the comedians or the magicians. However, against all odds, I prepared for this day, the infamous Happy Valley's Got Talent Show.

This was the second year the community has decided to do this show. Last year's was an instant success. This year they added a special twist. The money collected from the show would go to a local charity called Tides, a peer support program that helps struggling kids recuperate from the death of a love one. I knew that even though this was a competition, fighting for a humanitarian cause came first. I wanted to do my part to give hope for kids not as lucky as I am.

A drop of sweat swiftly leaked down from my chin as I lurched up the stairs to the front stage. Six o'clock finally arrived - it was my turn. Walking towards the sleek grand piano placed firmly in the center of the stage, I stared out, and the crowd seemed like an ocean wave, swaying up and down, ready to wash down on me. Disregarding the monotonous stares, I placed my sweaty hands on the wooden black and white keys - and played.

The music I selected to play was Franz Liszt's Un Sospiro. It is a rather peaceful piece, with embellished arpeggios and cascading scale runs. Taking my teacher's advice as I glided through the keys, I imagine the scenery of the whispering wind stretching over the vastness of the forest valley. Branches calmly swaying to and fro - to and fro like my hands floating across the keyboard. Evaporating in a fog of musical color, the epic ends as I pressed the chords one by one, gently lifting my hands up as I caress the final resolution. I stood up to bow, and a sudden triumph drifted within my soul. I am done. Peace had come despite the roaring claps from the crowd that still echoes through the auditorium as I walk down the stage.

For the moment, pure human joy completely transcended the struggles leading up to this performance. It was more than the notes. It was the complete satisfaction of playing and taking risks. Happiness comes when you work hard. Happiness comes when the work you have done leads up to the ultimate test. Happiness comes when you have passed this test. Happiness comes when you are rewarded by the tumultuous claps of the crowd. Finally, happiness comes when you know that the work you put in ultimately gives back to the community. This is what fundraising is all about: the satisfaction of giving and helping others, traits that no one is born with but blossoms inside the heart of those who understands their responsibility within the community.

The essay itself is very well written and describes a very important event in your life. However, the reason as to why this particular event signifies the transition from childhood to adulthood in your community or family remains unclear. You would want to discuss a topic that clearly refers such an event in your life. Events such as receiving a family heirloom, a heart to heart talk with your mother or father about responsibilities and their expectations of you at a certain age, or perhaps a community event that marks such a passage like hunting or fishing with some people from the community along with other people of similar age to you. Although the above topic is very interesting and truly engaging, it does not refer to any reason as to why it should be considered a transitory event from childhood to adulthood that is shared with your family or community.Instead, it is a personal experience about a memorable event in your past. I hope my review helps you out. Good luck !

Thanks! Does anyone have any comments on my use of language in the essay?
I'm just wondering whether I can rephrase any specific sentences so that it sounds nicer and more flowing.

Your sentences flow well actually. It is also best to keep it in its original form because changing the sentence structure using other people's suggestions might make the teacher question if you used a professional writing service since your writing style will tend to change with the editing of the paper. I suggest that you read the essay at least 5 times and discover for yourself if you would like to rephrase certain parts. That way the sentence structure and flow will not change. Any suggestions we make to change the sentence structure such as rephrasing might not flow well with the rest of the paper. So it would be best for you to rewrite certain portions that you think need improvement. But let me get you started with this:

Last year's was an instant success - discuss this portion further. What was the activity last year? What made it a success? Why do you consider it successful?

You are doing an overall good job on this paper. It shows great promise content wise. Keep up the good work :-)

Nobody knew that I (no comma) being a classical piano playerpianistcompletely in a complete different ballpark from modern day singers, would be selected to play for a talent show competition that is supposed to excite a crowd yearning for the comedians or the magicians.

I wish you shortened that sentence.... It's a bit too long and hence difficult for the reader to memorize details :(


what do you mean by "of a love one"? That's not clear :(